syaSYA

i grow stronger each time

2011-07-01T22:27:00.004+08:00

okay. hi.

i know its been a very long time since i last blogged. sorry about that. lets just say, im busy. anyways. life has been great so far. yes, i sometimes feel shitty. but i guess that happens. like all the time.

in life, people com and go as they please. but when they step into my life. i want to treasure them. i never want them to leave. but if leaving is what suits you. then fine. im not going to hold you back. i have no bloody right to. begging or pleading or asking is never going to help. once that person made up their mind, there is no turning it around. i guess this is what life is teaching me. life goes on no matter how hard it gets for you. facing one obstacle was hard enough. why does my life reevovle around losing the most valueable people? it has been that way since .. let me see .. 2009. awesome isnt it? like dominos, everyone leaves. one after another. after one has leave and i am recovered from that, another one goes. taking the fall from the first person.

to you. if you are reading this then im glad. i really am. but i have got a couple of questions for you. did i do or say something wrong till you ignore me for the past 2 days? i texed you asking if you were okay and you did not even answer. if you want to leave then fine. i dont mind. do you know how insane it is? i cannot seem to sleep cause i have no idea what the hell is wrong. did i say or do something to offend you? i just need to know the reason. just please tell me. its killing me. i mean it. i just want to know the reason. that is it. one favour (you know who you are). that is all im asking.

and babe, thanks for being there for me. appreciate it loads. without you, i think i would have already gone mad. litereally. thanks babe, for telling me off like that. thanks for making me feel a whole lot better. god knows what will happen to me if you're not there. so next movie on you okay babe? thank you very much. haha.

okay. so now, i think i shall switch my lappy off so i can finally go to sleep. if i can even sleep that is. will try to update as much as i can since im not working anymore. for now, i guess all i can do is be positive. one fall is all it takes for me to find my strength all over again. okay. happy sleeping(:

we all need someone in our life.

2011-06-02T11:13:00.004+08:00

hello. i know this is random for me to be posting on a weekday whereby im working in the afternoon. but ohh well, since im already on lappy, why should i miss it right? well, im guessing this week will be a non-stop week for me. cause its been a busy week starting from monday. next week would be the same as well. but ohh well, at least its going to make myself not think of anything that would be able to break me down. wait. why should i break down? i mean. life is awesome. really. it is.

but sometimes i miss you. yesterday, i thought i saw you. but i didnt want to call your name. but the way you walked, the way you dress and the way your hands was when you had your phone in your hands texting. girl, i could be right. yes, i miss you. but well, im not coming until you've changed your attitude. guys are not everything. hope you still come by. cause i still go to yours. and girl, i still remember your number even though it has been a lon long time ago. miss you girl. maybe i should meetup with you. who knows you've changed. only god knows.

okay, enough about being emotional. i shall get my things done asap. i have a whole lot to do. my book is three pages full. so all the best to me. i should get going right now. get all the things done so i wont forget about anything that i should do. found that a book is the best way to cope with my life right now. too many things to do, too little time to accomplish them.

ohh, i just remember. my ezlink expired already. gahh. omg. need to make a new one. how awesome. money spent on that little piece of urgh. i so cannot wait to get my hands on a motorcycle license. if dad allows that is. cause i want a motor. fastest way to travel.

anyways, i need to meet up with alot of people. okay. shall make a date with these people. i want off on 30th. so i can go watch transformers. i like to watch transformers. okay. that is all for now. i got tohings to complete. okay bye.

weak is not in my dictionary.

2011-05-28T15:11:00.002+08:00

warning. this post is a little lenghty. kindly prepare yourself. so here goes nothing. happy reading(:

well, yesterday was a very sad day cause its marlon's last day): im absolutely going to miss you marlon. the one i like to disturb at the cashier counter. the one who started the 'syahadah 1, syahadah-hadah 1' song. gosh. dear sir marlon, hope you get me something from phillipines. teehee. i expect it to be you returning to singapore and attaching yourself to topshopknightsbridge again so they can ake you the chief cashier. cause you are simply the best. the one who knows alot. the one who taught me to do some stuffs even when im not allowed to do so because i did not have any right to be doing whatever i did. but hey, after all, customers first right? so dont blame me for having the urgent need to assist them. so now, if you guys are in need of manpower, i can multitask and do what marlon taught me to do. omg, i will miss disturbing you marlon): please come back soon.

okay, enough sadness for now. lets move on.

im supposed to be out with babe today to watch SBDC but well, it starts late and ive got tuition to go to. after tuition, madrasah. last madrasah lesson for this sememster. i have no idea if its the same for my brother though. hope his class will not be going to the ledang hike. kay, i dont mind if his class is going. but i mind if he goes. cause its going to just annoy the crap out of me. literally annoy the crap out of me. cause he will be like scolding me and stuffs like that. which is just terribly annoying. i mean i know my limit cause i know my surroundings. but on the other hand, at least it wll show his true colours. okay, that is mean. i know. but outside, he is quiet. according to the many people i have asked. not really asked. as in i told them that i will ask my brother to help me pass them the items they go like, 'huh? he's your brother? you guys are very different. he is the type who keeps quiet in class. very humble.' and il be like, little did they know how noisy he is at home. he likes to find fault with me and bully me. okay. enough about that.

so il be meeting babe tomorrow after work instead. teehee. i miss babe. need to tell her something. confirm she shocked to the max. i mean for real. she confirm would be a llittle mad but she would just change the topic so i wont be thinking of it. well. babe is just the best. i really need to be going tout with babe alot. been neglecting her cause of work. also cause she's busy with school and she moved to the other side of the island. haih. so hard to talk to this very petite babe of mine. wonder whats the latest news. haih. i really ought to catch up with her.

okay. that is all for now cause i want to watch hindustan! my favourite. have not been able to do so for ages. gahh. now time to cure my deprive-hood of hindustan. peace out.

i just need to love myself

2011-05-24T00:05:00.003+08:00

be selfish, love yourself and put you before everything else. peace out.

i just realised that are way better things to think of then be pissed or whatever i felt just now about it. i mean hey, its not like its the end of the world. that was just a sudden outburst. due to according to my gossip partner, china bitch aka betina. a continuation from the anger. salah timing bro.

but hey, im really glad for you. whatever it is, its your life anyway. not mine. so do whatever you want with it. seriously, the rage was just from something else. remember that day i told you about the person accusing me blindly? yeeah. a continuation to that. you may think that i might be making up stories to cover the anger and all. but no. this is the truth. if you dont then my link says it all(: glad you learn from the past. if you think you know me, think again okay? cause the person i was back then might not necessarily be the person i am today. same goes to you. whatever it is, all the best for your future endeavours. lets end this here and now.

so anyways, i love the new orange uniform. its pretty. partly cause its orange and i love orange hence gthe reason why i love orange. but the green is so what the hell. must they come up with that dull shade of green. of all shades, that shade. bleargh. what on earth mann. if its lime green or any pretty shades of green, its aye-okay by me. okay, now i really need to get myself new shoes. im sick and tired of thee shoes im wearing. need to stock up on that. then i need time to alter my bottoms. turn those pants into skirts. hopefully i can do all that in like less than a week. depending on the dates with babygirls/lovelies/colleagues/ex-colleagues. need to meet up with these people super soon. like really super soon. i miss them a whole lot. well, i guess that is all for now. goodnight. sleeptight.

i love my weekends.

2011-05-22T21:09:00.002+08:00

omg. im so sorry for neglecting this blog. been quite busy and lazy.

so lets start with my day yesterday. woke up at noon cause it was a nice weather to sleep in. so after waking up, showered and stuff then head to tuition. something happened at tuition. so i decided to take it all out by running. i had no freaking idea that it felt awesome to actually run. you actually let all the stress out by running. though your leg hurts at first, it is actually the best therapy ever. so im going to start running every week now. what more with the upcoming hike at mount ophir(gunung ledang) this coming july i want to be going. i need to be fit for that trip. insyaAllah i can make it without any difficulties. lucky for me, im an outdoor person. so this is really an opportunity i cannot seem to waste.

so today, woke up and made myself a pouch. im so happy. i finally made a pouch. only thing is, its too plain. too damn plain. so i need to find some iron-ons or some way to make it pretty. then also cause someone finally texted me. haha. okay. me happy. i get to destress with my awesome crazy beylo friend. made me laugh non-stop. haha. that happens every single time we meet. silly things are bound to happen. jokes will be made. at times, tears will fall and dry. i love my bestfriend. even though i get bullied all the time, its worth the bully. cause of you, i can smile and lead life well. you motivate me. thanks a whole lot.

to my dearest person. me getting upset is cause i am not over the memories. but i am over you. its just that sometimes, memories flood my mind just like that. its just those times whereby im not over you. but at other times, i am over you. that spark of memory is all i need to remind me of you. guess everytime those memories flood i should run. so let me just say this, i am officially over you but not the memories.

okay that is all i have. going to head to bed soon enough. goodnight. will update as frequent as i can. okay bye.

fck yourself and shut up!

2011-05-03T20:58:00.003+08:00

can you just shut the fck up and get of my back? do you know how fcking annoying you are. every single one of you are. its just fcking annoyng do you not know? its called personal for a fcking reason. if you dont understand then go google the damn word. my whole day was awesome you decided to be an annoying fcker. fck yourself please. ugh.

now i wonder why some people are just dickheads. have you nothing better to do? why get a job when you have nothing else but bother about people's life? if you intend to fcking intrrude, then fine. you will see the result of this. now do me this little favour, get yourself a real life. meaning stop putting your fcking nose in my business! please kindly fck off. i dont need you. i really dont. one day, il freaking prove that to you. i swear i will. say whatever you want. do whatever you want. cause i dont give a shit. i tried but let me just say this, as days go by, i find that whatever i do will never be right. it will never satisfy any of you. yeeah, i think i can live by myself. i dont need you. UGH! i hate you! now this is why i never want to stick around. you all can just be lovey dovey with all of you. dont fcking bother to include me. i dont give a shit anymore. i dont. i really dont.

why oh why do people have to be so damn annoying? i intended to put a very meaningful post but things change in a blink of an eye. ugh. anyways, i have been wanting to blog since forever. i am so tired. work is really tiring. i have no time for myself anymore. i have no time to study. i really need to do something. well, i have something planned in my head. i hope things goes well. i have alot of things i want to do. i have alot more things that i need to do. im lucky that music exist. at least it drowns everything.

gosh. i really need to get a grip of myself. im officailly over the fact that you want us to be just friends. i just realise that i am lucky that you even care to be just friends. yes, it would hurt at first. but eventually, i will be happy. cause at least i still get to talk to you. at least i still get to see you. at least i still have you to confide in. at the end of the day, i know that you would at least be there. you have not left me alone. im glad for that. even though i yearn for more. im really thankful that this is your decision. i really ought to thank you for that. i want us to meet up one day, most probably during your holiday. i owe you a treat. i owe you your birthday treat. i know people would think im crazy or stupid. but crazy as it seems, you would know why im crazy enough to do what im doing when things happen to you. stupid as it may be, im glad i didnt really listen to them. at the end of the day, it boils down to me. even though we're not together, we are together. dont understand? you sure will. one day. boy, im glad i had time to actually talk to you. i mean im glad you have the time to talk to me. im glad that you were kept busy. cause you know that is the reason why im okay with your decision. im glad to not have lost you. yes, ive lost you but not totally. i should be greatful for that. i hope god gives us the chance to live our dreams. i already know what you want to do after your time in ns. you have your future planned already. im glad for you. im happy for you. guess now it gives me time to actually think of my own future. plan my future.

sometimes however, songs hurt you. like the songs the store is playing right now. it brings me memories of december. it made me remember all those who worked at the store before they quit or was terminated. it got me missing those awesome people. i want to meet those people.that was the first thing i remembered. then next comes the memory of you. the song made me remember everything that happened in december. it made me want to cry. but i didnt let myself cry or even shed a single tear. cause boy, let me tell you that i will always remember the good and the bad times we had. i told myself to get a grip and be strong. i still have you in my life even though we are not as close as before. at least you will be there. im glad. im glad you would be there for me. that means you never did break your promise. and for the record, i will keep to the promise i made. that we shall talk about when we see each other aye? thank you for not totally leaving me. im glad. i have no other way to express this happiness.

well, lets fast forward to the now. haha. seems like i changed my moods so damn fast huh? moodswings allow a person to do so. haha. ohh what the hell. moodswings plus calming songs. songs that means alot to me. gosh. i need to say something about osama bin laden being dead.

firstly, innalillahi wainnalillahirajiun. osama bin laden being dead is something shocking. all over the world, most people think he was dead or was hiding in the caves. but i have something to those who is happy about his death. or to those who caused his death. america, why the hell are you so freaking happy about his death? are you actually celebrating the death of a person who might be nothing but a good person? isit because you are so insecure about palestine? what has palestine ever done to you? i dont think they did anything to you. maybe america, you are just so damn scared that there might be a country way better than you? are you afraid that they would be the rishest country? are you afraid that an Islamic country will be better than you? dear america, what do you have against Islam? what do you have against us innocent Muslims? what have we ever done to you? why do have so much against Islam? we have done absolutely nothing to you or your religion? when we say a little about your religion or about any other religion, you protest saying we are just plain bad. when other religions are being made fun of, everyone is so upset and something will be done. but when Islam was made fun of, you say we are overreacting? masyaAllah. it seems like the world has everything against Islam and nothing is done about it. but if Islam has something to say, you shut us out just like that. is that fair? whatever it is, insyaAllah, life would be easy for us to live.

okay, this was actually caused by something i saw from a site. will not say where. cause masyaAllah, i do not know why even some Muslims are happy that osama is dead. is he not a brother in Islam? yes, we cannot protest but why are you happy over his death my dear brother? nauzubillah. i shall stop here.

okay, i know that was random. and i think my post is so damn long. haha. i didnt know i could type this freaking long. and i found out something from someone. i feel a little bad after knowing about this. well, apparently even after whatever happened, you still stood up for me. you still said all those even though you didnt need to. you are a true friend indeed. but that doesnt mean anything. until you learn why i am staying away from you, i wont be that close to you. im afraid of the consequences. im afraid of the things that will start happening. but it wouldnt hurt you if i texted you. haha. odd i still remember your number even though it was ages ago and i dont even have your number in my freaking phone. haha. ohh wells, i guess once i get a number stuck to my head, it'll stay there cause i always text you. haha. but that was last time. now not anymore. sorry babe. but things are meant to change. once you get that bad habit of yours to stop, il be there. haha. okay. now im just talking nonsense. okay. i should stop and go to bed cause i need to be up by 5 tomorrow to reach work at exactly before 7. haih. so goodnight world. im going to sleep. ill update whenever i can. okay bye.

answers.

2011-04-03T19:35:00.004+08:00

ohh well. what to do? this is what i asked for. i asked for an answer and i got it. so fck this feeling. i should be glad that you at least responded to my questions. its the least you could do. bet you're feeling the exact same thing. either you're doing a little better or a little worst. obviously you would never show it. but let me tell you this. you better not be keeping this to yourself. i know you that much to know that you keep it to yourself till you cannot take it anymore. but no. do not keep this all to yourself. do not destroy yourself. please dont. ive seen what happens when you do. you yourself saw the effects. please stop doing this to yourself. yes, you are an introvert, i know. but why do you always have to keep it to yourself when the people all around you care so much about you? please stop this mindset that you have. yes, i know you're trying your best to not be an introvert. i know dear. ive seen the struggles. been in the struggle. so i truly understand.

and if this is really what you want then so be it. i know i cannot change your thinking. not like this i cant. you're the type that once i get my mind set on it, nothing can change that thinking of mine. unless its not a strong enough decision made by you. i guess that is about all i know about you. and yes, i only realise how selfish i am. now only do i realise what ive never been able to realise before. nonetheless, you will always be with me. no matter what. because you have shown me so much. you taught me alot. yes, it will take time to heal. but il try my best to be alright. to be the person i used to be. only difference is that you wont be around. not like you used to be. not the way i wanted it to be. but well, situations change and so does the people. wish you would take back your decision. but wishing wont make a freaking difference would it now? i know that you have truly made up your mind. guess i got to learn to move on. and you should to. you need to. if you saw me on the streets, please acknowledge me. you acknowledging my presence would hurt but it would be way better than you not acknowledging me at all. i will miss you. i still do. so i guess it is goodbye for now. maybe it'll be forever. im not sure. all i know is that you'd always be where i want you to be, in my heart. hope id be at the same place i used to be. but i doubt so. guess this is it. all the best with your future. if you produce the results they always wanted from you then im happy for you. i guess i really was a barrier for you to be doing great. and for that, im sorry. sorry to have ruined your life and your bright future. whatever lies in the future, i know you willl face them with patience cause ive been one pain in the ass. glad you manage to be very patient. hope you will be all your life. happy living your life. live it to the fullest. okay bye. i need to stop typing. you, my dear, know why.

evry oth thing i need to say

2011-03-30T19:29:00.003+08:00

ive got be fcking strong. this is a challenge thrown right to my face. i need to just calm myself down and get back up like i always do. only this time i need to do it alone. even though i seem okay, well, maybe its pretense. maybe its not. ive no idea. i cannot do anything. im lost now. il stay on the ground for the moment. i may be alone for the moment. but as time passes, i will be able to get back up. i need to. staying down is not an optiion. it never is in my dictionary. staying down is only temporary. giving up does not register in my dictionary. fck everything. i got to slowly get on. even if it hurts a whole fcking lot. even if it means lettiing go. i will do all i need to do to get back up. to get back on track. to be able to smile for real for long. no more plastic smiles. no more plasticity. i will slowly banish all this things. one by one. it will take me a super fcking long time. but as the saying goes, time heals. so fck evrything. imma let time heal this. even though it might be long. i just need to be okay. i need to get on my feet without you. without anything else but the strength that i got within myself. now i learn that you can only depend on you. you must depend on yourself before you can depend on anyone else. its important to do that. so things like this will not happen. even if it does, at least you wont be that lost. you dont really need that much time cause hell yeeah, you'd be strong by yourself. you just need to search within. that is all.

and to you know who you are. you know what i want. what i need. if you please, let me get on with life. get on with everything else then please help me. nobody else can do that. only you can do that. i need you to do that. man up. if you cant even help me through this then how are you even suppose to help me? i just need one thing from you. just one thing and il be gone. i promise. just that.

okay bye. i need to stop before i cant stop these tears.p.s. il be waiting.

lost

2011-03-27T21:32:00.003+08:00

you suddenly popped back. do you have any idea how shocking is it? have you no idea how heartbreaking it is? i think you do. im at a lost for words. i have no idea how to say whatever i need to say. maybe talking about it straight to the face helps. we'll see about that. hopefully. haih. im sure ereally lost. idk where to start. i really dont. when im calmer and a little bit better then maybe il type it out. see how aye? okay. im going out now. idw to think of anything. not right now that is. okay bye.

A-W-E-S-O-M-E!

2011-03-24T22:13:00.005+08:00

and that
just because you have experience that
it doesnt mean that you would be alright all of a sudden. cause
since pretending is not good, the only thing that i musnt do is
but hell no. itss freaking affecting me like hell. so fuck this mess and move on. i will. slowly. guess what jerk? i am. im slowly getting rid of the thought of you. and guess what? today just proves that i can when i try. and i swear today is an awesome day. after work that is. work was horrible cause i kept getting myself injured. if the injuries werent there along with my very good friend, then today would be the most awesome day after such a long time. i finally smiled a proper smile. even though there was this one moment where things went ... nevermind. i love today thanks to tallie. irritaing tallie. and now i want to get eeyore thanks to tallie. gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahh. next time tigger will be there to join the crowd. and tigger is better than eeyore. tigger is nicer. more taken care of and more brand new than your eeyore. blueak! next lepak session, tigger will be there. haha. i feel so free whenever we slack. more please. at least im starting to smile truly now. no more of these fake-ness. it'll be over soon enough. i know i can get through this right now. i know i can trust myself to smile without hesitating. without any edge of plasticity. finally a chance to be able to feel the way i felt before all this. thanks ye tallie? me hearts you for making me the person i was before. not fully but at least something huh? i shall be a happy kid for the moment. please dont destroy my mood okay? okay. im done. tired know work work work. im feeling sick sia now. gahh. hopefully tak jangkit itu tallie.
even though i say all this, i still fcking love you. i was trying my best not to cry when im typing this cause baby, you're still a part of me. get back to me. dont leave me hanging. just plese tell me what you want to do cause you're definitely killing me. killing me way too much byy. please stop killing me emotionally and mentally. make things right please. just meet me that once and really thats it. il move on. slowly though. please?/s>

march 23 babies.

2011-03-23T11:29:00.004+08:00
babe! happy 18 yeeeeeee? dah legal age ehh? pantat. even though we're not that close as we used to be back then, aku tetap sayang kaw. rindu gle ngan kaw tawu? meet up soon alright babe? sumpah gue rinde gle sama kamu. thanks for being there when i needed someone. sorry for the violence last time. may still be there in the future. haha. have fun on your bday aye babe? love you.

hey bitch! yeeah, i know there are gaps between us. but hey, i didnt forget you. nor did i forget your bday. so happy 17 girl. have fun today. good luck with school. study hard aye? guys dont really matter for the moment. cast them aside. get your goals straight. prove to those mother fckers the real you. show them you can do it. remember what you always say? about you wanting to prove those bitches that they're wrong? well, even though they're not in the same school as you, you still have that ultra ego to prove that you're actually way better than them. so go girl. get them to shut their mouth okay? love you.

to a colleague, even though you're a pain in the ass somtimes, at least you are the one person who i can always bitch with. gettng to know you better by the day. haha. hope you get that freaking position. then you can you-know-i-know-what at certain people. just wondering what they will say to you. haha.

maybe, just maybe i should let go.

2011-03-19T12:51:00.013+08:00

i dont feel good. its been weeks. i hate you. guess you dont have the bloody guts right? cause of this shit thats happening, i treat people wrongly. yes, why get them invovled? but i guess its just me to throw my tantrums huh? whatever it is, you are just ruining me. not a day pass without me thinking what the hell is wrong with you. guess i cant afford to say anything. i just have to shut the fck up and let it go. even if i have to let it go slowly, i will. i cannot let myself cling onto this thing. there is no sure thing so might as well i back off, shut the fck up and slowly let everything go. its the best thing to do right now. cause seriously, im killing myself. nobody knows that im killing myself with thoughts of you. nobody knows how you are killing me. no fcking body. im all alone in this. like it or not, i have to be strong. i got to find the strength to leave all the memories and shut the door and never eever open it. its no use. why rememberor dread over something or someone when they dont show the need to even be remembered? waste energy only. at the end of the day, im just hurting myself. why on freaking earth am i doing so? for what must i hurt myself when clearly, evidence shows that you dont give no shit. i have no idea why the fck im doing this. i should freaking stop. i need to stop. i got to stop doing this to myself. i need to show myself that life is wonderful even though you're not there to remind me. i need to learn to manage everything. i cannot depend on you or anyone else. i need to depend on myself. i need to stop this feeling. stop this shit. i got to. thats a promise. i need to stop thinking of you. i have to get over it. you're not going to come. not now, not ever.

and now, i know that there are things that will change. i finally see it now. at last.

and i swear, it hurts but il just try to be strong.
to those awesome people whom i mistreated cause of this issue, thanks for not taking it to heart. i love you all. i swear you guys are just awesome people. you guys know what im going thru and are helping me thru this. you guys are just the best. i have no idea how to thank you guys. i promise to try my best to just let it go. slowly kay? you guys know whats happening right? help me thru this guys. i know you guys want the best for me. i love you guys for being the bestest people ive ever met. thanks guys. idk how the hell i would cope without you guys. sumpah korang awesome. i love you guys!

history on replay.

2010-12-12T21:09:00.006+08:00

im kinda missing people. alot have happened. ive been very busy with work lately. its so hard to find time. most of the people i got close to are gone. such sadness. well, it leaves me with no other choice but to get closer to the other mates. i miss my people though. they're my happy pill mann. they make me laugh like im on laughing gas. act like a crazy mad person cause of their jokes and such. how i miss bitching with them. talking about nothing but nonsense. shall meet up with them someday.

yes, things happened and there will be some changes. there are bound to be something that changes the situation. something that adjusts everything. something somehow will be different even though its about the same situation. gosh, what the hell is wrong with me. im just blabbing nonsense due to lack some sleep. im so damn tired. body aching. heart just feels strange. ive no idea why or how to get rid of this feeling but i know i need to. someone help me please?

that is why im not letting you go. no matter what, il fight for you to stay. once is more than enough. i never ever want to go through it a second time round. it sucks a whole effing lot that once. im trying to forget it happened. and almost happened again. so close, so damn near. just that one step and everything will be repeated history. haih. it sucks being me. some things will never be alright for me. its hard. i know. gahh. i need to just have a day out with my babe then cry or scream. i just need a day to chill.

okay, im going to not blog for quite some time. im too busy to entertain this blog of mine. okay bye. miss me. well, i think nobody visits here anymore. what the hell. okay im done. bye.

sneaky sly slenge.

2010-10-31T13:41:00.003+08:00
today marks the date whereby i first knew you guys existed. but if i were to follow by the day, last friday would be it. a year has past since we met and knew each other existed. but there, i put it in past tense. why the past tense? cause you guys went. you left me. left my life. but i still think of you guys. i dont think that you even remember me kan? who the hell am i in your life? just a little bugger god introduced then make you forget. nonetheless, i know your papers starts on the 9th. so study hard for it. i know you guys can make it through. you guys can make it through anything if you put your heart and soul into it. i know so.
to the one who disappeared, i know that you are still into your music and stuffs. i know you can make it. you can do anything you want to do. just dont stress yourself out too much. if the activities you have going on are too much then i think you should just put it to rest. i barely know you but from what i know, you're kind and you never forget the one that creates us all. everytime i go to your blog or tumblr, im inspired by your words and such. maybe if i continue to do so, i will be able to change myself. god knows. but if your blog/tumblr have such an impact on me then i think you can help others change too. that will make you precious to our muslim community.
to the one who left me 9 months and 16 days ago. you've been such a great person to me. you were my friend, my brother, an adviser, a teacher. you were the best friend anyone could ask for. but i made a mistake and you left. just like that. i doubt you even remember me. remember you said, the pain will last for a day only, then its gone. and you said that you were already gone even though you stayed. thanks ehh? but that only taught me something. your presence and your bestfriend's. it made an impact on my life. reading your tumblr sometimes knock senses into me. you do indirectly help me. even though you might not plan on doing so since you've erased me from your memory. but whatever. i still remember you. thanks for everything brother/friend.

and this is what i feel like doing. i want to shoot you down. why? ive no damn idea why. i know i just want to do it. maybe i should find time to do this after o's. get the hatred out of me. the pain. the loss. the suffering. i want to do alot of things so i can rid this stupid feeling in me. i need to rid it cause its bad for me. for my health. and speaking of which, it has been three days since i got any sleep. when i sleep, i feel like im not asleep. its like my body rests but my mind dont. ive no idea why. i better get exams over and done with so i can finally finally get this stupid unhappiness out of me quickly. its eating me. its eating my brains, my cells, my heart and my sanity.
after i shoot, can i just climb from a tree than fall into a river or sea and drown? i want to drown in my own misery. i want to drown into a pool of my emotions. can i? can i just do that? its better if that happens. i dont know the people around me anymore. its either ive changed or you change or we just grew estranged. ive no idea which. maybe i just dont see or care about others even though i think i do. maybe i should just take a step back and look. just look at everything and everyone. now i shut people out just like that. a sudden snap of emotions and i go shutting them off. i stay cooped up inside my own shell. my own place of comfort. cause what's the use of telling others about what's hurting you anyways? they take notice for a short while and then they do it again. but they dont realise. because these things have become a habit. not one person does this. i bet everyone does. we are just too forgetful. we are the beings that are normal. the ordinary ones. so lets just get that we cannot really change and stay like that for long. no matter what, there's this tendency to be our bad/old selves. it really depends on ourselves actually. so for now, il just shut my mouth and keep the pain all to myself. let me suffer now. i dont give a shit anymore. you might say you're concern but i wont back down. im not putting my guard down. if i want to tell you, i will do so voluntarily.

well, i guess that takes a little bit pain away from this little small being. im just really sick. all i want to do is be all alone and collect my thoughts. so pardon me for neglecting or pushing you away. i need to be sure what i must do. im doing this for my own good. it might affect others too hence why it affects you too. that is why i will just shut myself and not tell anyone anything yet. not now. maybe not ever. im sorry. goodbye. i need to be studying now.

random update.

2010-09-16T21:55:00.006+08:00

someone is going to get me this right?

but can i please have this instead? yes, i want it in orange. so thanks!

this post is going to be uber short cause its a very short update on things.

okay, so prelims are over for now. got to start mugging real hard from now on. prelims results so far is very unsatisfying. so im going to start studying. going to ask teachers for help for my very weak subjects as of now.

im really damn sad of the fact about something i recently got to know. thanks for being there for me ridhwan. but as you already know, im very close to uztad hasan so i need time to finally digest that information. thanks for being there to help me get through this fact.

also, im going to be kinda sad cause of another reason. got to keep on trying to be strong. as of now, i need all the strength to be doing what i might be doing. ive no idea if i can do what i want to do. my mind says i should but my heart says no hence eventually poisoning my mind to say no to the idea my mind suggested. what im saying might not make sense to you. but thats only cause you have absolutely no idea what im talking about. gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahh. talked to ardie yesterday. got to know he's in the same school as a few someones. ohh wells. i guess that's what happen to those someones huh? well, i got to go. chao for now.

been bugging busy.

2010-09-06T22:28:00.006+08:00
im getting too busy to update this blog due to upcoming O's and ongoing prelims. so i might not touch this computer much unless needed. i will upload pictures on facebook and update there a tiny bit too but i doubt that would happen much cause im getting real lazy to touch the computer these days. been out studying with my friend. going to mug with my closest girls that are of course very clever. furthermore, its the only way i can spend time with my twin whom i neglected for years. sorry twin. i still say we look alike no matter the difference. love you twin!

guess what?life's been a total jerk and a bullet train. nothing goes slow or smooth anymore. now i totally understand the phrase, 'we can only plan but its ultimately up to HIM.' some people will never understand you. no matter what. some people can cheer you up just with their presence. some just ruin your day. things happen, shit comes but no matter what we've got to go through it. its not like we have so much time to lose nor do we have much choices for one problem. we still have to make it cause there's not much time. life is fast. im trying to get used to it. im trying to get use to this situation im in right now.

in case i dont update during raye, let me just say this;
selamat hari raye.
enjoy this day as we have no idea if we are going for the next one. anything can happen in a blink of an eye, and for those who have lost someone they loved a whole lot pray for them. they will be safe. they will be. hopefully.

to those taking their N's, all the best for all your papers. im a little too late but hey, at least i did wish you.

to my babe who's all the way at jurong, do your best. i know what you want. you know what you want as well. so work hard for it okay baby? love you loads. maybe i should head to your house once you move to woodlands. silly you. keep moving. tsk. well, see you soon babe? love you laaaaaaaa. miss you loads tawu? sorry that time tak ajak turon east coast.

and those taking o's all the best. good luck. study hard. about a month more to go. so work hard. have fun mugging alright?

to someone i love so much,
i know times tough for you now. just know this one thing. WE are in this as one, we will stand by you no matter what. when you fall, we are going to catch you. when you cannot hold on any longer, be strong. i know they do not deserve this. but what's life without obstacles? this can only make them stronger. you are the strongest woman i know who made it this far without giving up no matter how painful it is. you never understood what giving up means. i salute you. i hate seeing you sad, i cannot stand seeing you cry. i love you. i may not be wise but this is for you. and that up there is what we need and will do.

and to you,
sorry for being so bitchy and annoying these few months. you know what's happening to and around me. sometimes i just need to you shut up and just listen. at times, i want you to hug me and say some comforting words at the end of everything. im really sorry for being very irritating and annoying and all that i never was before some serious shit happened. i know it test your patience, i know my being a total annoying bitch is what you hate the most but you stood by me. you still are even though you are a jerk at times. but point is, you stand by me no matter what. thats what i love about you. you make a promise and you dont break it. where on earth can anybody find anyone like that? its hard. its rare. you're so special and im very grateful to have you around my life. hope you stay very long in my life cause i cant seem to afford to lose anyone anymore. enough is enough. and i know you have limits too. sometimes i go overboard and things goes out of control. fights will break out, anger will wipe away any sense of mercy. we can go for days not talking. but that wont help so we do what we must and move on. ive no idea why im typing all these. you know i love you so much right? thanks for being there for me through my ups and downs. thanks for doing everything to make me smile whenever im down or pissed. so seriously, when is it my turn to listen to your stories? bet you have lots of them. will be waiting.

to you know who you are. i miss you.

okay im done here. buhbye people. till the next update. take care. il most probably update on 12 november earliest? so yeeah. byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

grateful?

2010-08-25T22:22:00.003+08:00
well well well. looks like i found something else behind this whole situation. but im really freaking glad that its all over. the thing with the person that i despise for a moment is done. luckily something knocked some sense into me and i started to calm down and think things through. now that reminds me of an phrase someone told me. it goes like this, 'never let emotions cloud your decision'. but being the me i am, i didnt think things through at that point of time. okay, case closed with the thingy ready. thanks to everyone who is involved and who tried to coax me and make me think rationally and properly. after the talk just now, it took a huge burden off me. but im still stressed out. dont ask why. i myself dont know. really.

but i can absolutely say ive neglected the freaking comp cause of the fasting month. ive either been sleeping, reading the house of night novels or simply cause my brothers are playing games on the comp. to top it off, f&n lessons are not held in the lab anymore cause of the possibility that we use the comp for other uses than the necessary ones. but not all are guilty actually. not all the time that is.

and guess what? this month is another awful month even though its the most prosperous month in islam. i wonder why though. and i definitely have no idea how much more madness i can take in. its too annoying, too stressing and just too much for me to take in. and well, as per normal, after the fasting month its time for raya but im sure im not looking forward for it this year. it feels so unimportant now. what with prelims and my O's coming pretty soon. some problems i do not wish to elaborate on cause i would just break down if i do. a whole lot of bullshit has happened. not just to me but to the family itself. im lost for words. but just thinking of it makes me sick with pain, anger, hurt, annoyance and vengeance. when will all this crap end? im not even sure i can hold on to what ive been striving to keep hold of. but maybe, just maybe that with my trying best not to ever let go would be the best thing to do even though it pains me at times and i just want it exposed. i guess all i could ask for is a break. a break from all this so i can be all by myself, all alone so i can cry my hearts out so i dont keep hurting myself like a stupid fool which i know im already doing but whattheheck laa. ive got to be strong no matter what. ive got to right?

talking of which i think ive totally changed into a new person though there is some of the old me left. but its just not the same anymore. i dont want to be this person who doesnt think rationally. who acts based on emotions. the one who gives up easily. the one who is cheerful even though some things are bothering her. ive no idea where that girl went. now im all shattered, broken, hollow and i feel empty. ive zilch idea why im like this. i never wished to be this way. i am too emotional now. i cry when im all alone. when nobody is there and i just sit, staring right at nothing and then the tears will just drop.

to wandy/wawan/wan, i lazy type there uhh. its too long to put there. so this is for you okay? and which name shall i call you by now? anws, yes, my prelims are starting on sept. except for my practical exam which is coming soon and i havent even started revising. so what makes you think ive alot of time to study? must rush sey. oops? your oral was today? how was it? im sure you did fine. i kind of screwed mine up cause i wasnt thinking straight at the point of time. and i really dont know what ive turned into or where the old me is hiding. but i seriously dont like this new person. and you have changed to. can you like email me your number? you still have my email right?

and to you. i was actually lying when i said i needed some peace. i actually wanted to go far away from all these. i just wanted to be alone at that time. i trust you but ive lost so much people i trusted so much with so ive to know how to play with trust. how to trust people with. how to be fair with trust. and trust as you know, cannot be built as easily as it getting destroyed. yes, we can trust some people but your relationship to the person is the one that determines and builds the trust. either making the trust stronger and bigger or just simply having faith in the person that whatever you say will not be told to others and vice versa. ive no idea why im babbling about trust. i trust you fully. but thats not the thing that i actually wanted to say to you. ive no idea what i want to say now. its like theres a switch in my brain that auto deletes the important things. maybe the reason why i said about trust is cause i was kind of pissed at you for suddenly changing your mind when you advised me. after hearing all those crap i seriously thought you'd back me up, agreeing with what im doing but you did the total opposite. i was hurt i didnt know what to say. i wanted you to actually confort me but you made me even confused. and if you realised, i tried my best to avoid you seeing me cause i didnt want to fake my happiness around you. and now, i really dont know whats wrong with me. i want to be all alone but at the same time, i want to be surrounded with my loved ones. ugh. i hate this stupid feeling. even worst is i hate myself for lying to you and not being reasonable when what you said was right. im sorry. but sorry wont help with anything right? then i guess i should just shut up. hope you read this soon?

where did the old me go to?

2010-08-14T13:20:00.004+08:00
ive nothing to say except for the fact that im really worried. i just found out something about myself. im not the person i used to be. ive no idea what im turning into. and hearing those words from you make it extra clear despite the hurt i felt. but that put reality back into place for me. that made me think if i was a good enough person. it made me doubt myself. i even got angry and upset with myself. not only that, i wish i could just fade into the shadows and never return to the lights cause if this continues, its embarrassing and troublesome. i really dont get myself. i dont. i want to just get away from here.

and im even much more worried about you. idk what happened to you. are you okay? i need to know if you are doing well cause im really worried about you. my mind revolves around the fact that ive absolutely no freaking idea if you are alright. can i please get to know if you're okay? im really super freaked out. i cannot stop thinking about what happened. i need to know something. i need to know if you're okay. i really need to. i need to know about everything. every single detail. can you get back to me asap? i barely ate earlier this morning. i couldnt eat not knowing that you are okay. i need to know you are okay. thats all. you know how absolutely worried i am about you. and sorry for my attitude yesterday. ive no idea what got into me. im so sorry about that. i didnt mean to pissed you off like that. im truly very sorry. guess it makes a whole lot of difference with you reacting that way to my reaction and attitude. you had no idea what went through my mind when you reacted that way.

can i just throw away this new me? i really have no freaking idea what has gotten into me these past few days. im not myself. im not acting how i should be. ugh. i hate this.

and to wandy, im not happy you disappeared. ive been thinking why. i didnt even know how to find you. i thought you didnt want to be my friend anymore. please come back.

okay bye. got to go.

f-ers

2010-08-06T22:44:00.005+08:00
some days ago. okay to be exact on friday, something occurred. and that make me conclude that some people are awesome piss-off-ers. they can piss you off just with their attitude. also with their act big attitude. these people really ought to use their brains.
i mean look ohkay mr H. you're two years older than her and you cant even think that you might be a bad influence for her? you should be trying to stay away cause you know that you'd be bad company. wasnt that one time of caning enough for you? if it wasnt then i bet my sister can make things worst for you. try us, try messing with our family. we're protective over the younger ones and if you dare mess with one of us, you mess with the whole bunch. get that in your head okay mr H. as of now, if i ever hear that you response to her calls and texts, you'll get it cause i already told you that you shouldnt. and yes, you deleted her number. but she can contact you and you can continue this thing without me or anyone else knowing. if i catch you boy you're screwed.

and to you mr R. just cause you're in a 'club' you think you're a big shot that i must be intimidated by you and respect you. sorry uhh brother. sikit pon tak goyang beb! so what kalaw kaw lagi tinggi dari aku? so what kalaw kaw lagi besar dari aku? tu bende sume tak pasal ehh. kalaw kaw berani sangat asal kaw nak kene side member kaw over someone smaller than you. please laa ehh, mau carik pasal then carik pasal ngan orang same besar ngan kaw. kalaw tu baru aku respect kaw. kalaw tak, pi jalan sua. in the first place, kaw tkde kene mengene ngan niy bende pe. yang kaw sibok apehal? ehh, kawan H pon ade ngan dier pe. tapi dier tawu respect kite peh privacy. aku ngan dier bobal kawan aku tk kacaw, kacaw kaw/korang pon tak kacaw bey yang kaw nak melebih apehal? ehh brother, mau carik pasal carik pasal kene tempat laa ehh. and brother, kalaw nak hang orang please tkmo hang salah orang. aku baru pekik bey react gtu macam. aku tawu aku pompan. asal tak happy pe aku act macam laki pasal perangai sial kaw? relax uhh brother, mau carik pasal, carik ngan orang yang betol okay? f-ing asshole. kaw perkare kecik beb!

and to that little niece of mine. if you happen to find this blog or if you come to know about it then this paragraph is for you baybeh! you know how freaking pissed i was at you? do you freaking know what the freaking hell you're doing right now? do you know what's happening? enough with what i did. you dont have to add to his pain anymore okay. you dont know what atuk's going through right now cause you dont have to know. you know cause of YOU, cause of what YOU did, you created TROUBLE. yeeah, you CREATED them. and you better watch what you do. if i catch you trying to contact H, you're doomed. and if you ever want to run away from home, i swear that you will regret all your life. il make sure of that. you promised you wont. im keeping to your word girl. make sure you dont. cause if you go back against your word, doom you shall face. not only me but also your parents and uncle. you will be doomed i tell you. i promise you that. so you better make sure you dont do anything stupid.

to those involved, thanks for being there to stop me even though i retaliated and shouted at you people you know that i didnt mean to act that way. people like R deserves some teachings. and i could have taught him something and things would have gotten worst than it already has been. so thank you very much. esp ashari, jomin, yurika and my bitch. thanks people. me love you many many.

so well, went out with mum after that incident. so it somehow cleared my mind. but sad thing is both my bracelets are broken. awesome much. so thanks H and R. you guys rock at spoiling people's day. so went shopping with mum. got lots of stuffs for myself. at least something calmed me down for that few moment. if i remember properly, i got myself 3 long sleeve shirts, i kain batik for my kebaya, 2 scarfs, nail henna, brooch, books, file and a trip to my little sweetheart's. it was an awesome day out i must say. on top of that it was mum's birthday yesterday. so happy birthday mum.

anws, the trip to popular was fun. something happened. a random guy suggested a better physics guidebook. goodness, if it wasnt for him, i dont think that i'd actually noticed the better book. so thanks whoever you are. good luck for your 'O's. i was kindof shocked when he came to me and suggested the book his teacher told him to get. haha. thank you whoever you are.

and i think i can do well for my social studies. hopefully. okay got to go. buhbye.

when can i spend time with the ones i love&need?

2010-07-29T08:38:00.005+08:00
sometimes the best thing to do is just walk away. sometimes you just have to stay no matter how bad it hurts. with people around you, you have to be strong. or at least try to be. the simplest way out is to just fake it. the hardest is to try to get back your old self.

im getting really tired with all these. its sickening. i should be doing my coursework but im seriuosly downright clueless. at least im starting to do notes now. weekly study session with regina starting from today. im getting absolutely tired with everything that is happening. things are happening too fast. i hate it.

can i just shut down from everyone? i know its not the best thing to do. sometimes the best thing to do is follow your guts, instincts and heart. sometimes you just have to do it cause in life you have to take risks. without risks, you're not living your life.

FERRRRRRRRRRRRRR! babe, when i can spend time talking to you? i want our heart to heart talks. i miss that a whole lot. just like that we drifted apart. its just so fast. too fast when we knew too little of each other. gosh babe, i wish we'd have the whole of our class back): i miss you loads. hope you're doing fine coping with everything that has happened. & i totally miss the time i annoy yout hen you annoy the creep out of me till i hit you then you stop then start again. when can we have that? and the quote is from her blog.

We need to forgive ourselves for all the things we did, and for what we should have done. We can’t keep dwelling on the regrets of what should have happened; it’d kill us inside out. - Fer's blog.

just like that, you make me think. you made me think deep and careful. you make me realise what's going on. you make me smile to myself cause indirectly you advised me. see how awesome our bond is? meet up/see you soon okay darl? one sch, diff class. i wish this week not many girls come then i can head to your class then we can talk all we want. hopefully. see you round! and thanks for the indirect advise. SAYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANG kamu deh.

to that bitch! hang in there. its just part of parcel of life. sometimes you lose some, sometimes you gain some. sometimes you have to let something go in order for you to gain soemthing. fights are good for any relationship. just not too much of it. too much of something is bad, even the good ones are a curse - from i forgot what song. what's with me and singing songs when you say something which is lame or ive nothing else to do or say? anws, im glad i could be of help to you. its nothing much. you throw your anger, i throw mine plus some sensible things too.

and and i want this below can? it seems preety. but i want it in orange):

ohkay, that is all. im going to do my work now. buhbye people. im going to upadate whenever possible.

i hate the fact that i miss you when i shouldnt.

2010-07-21T10:42:00.004+08:00
ive no idea why things are going the downside lately. this week has been a tremendously horrible one. even though its not even the end of the week.

i hate it when people fake things. when you think you knew them but to them you seemed like a see-through. you're not that important to them. it hurts. a whole lot. but all i could do is just keep it to myself cause there's the safest place ever. nobody will be able to spread the news cause only you know them. only yourself.

how strong can i be? how strong am i? tears were shed this past few days. its hurtful. its too much pain to bear but that's just a part of life isnt it? somethings are just not meant to last, some things last but they're not in the best condition. just like all the things in life. i hate it when situations get out of hand.

i still miss you. thats it. sorry to you know who you are. and you. you're still on my mind. i still think of you. almost all the time. but most of the times. i hate you for leaving such a great impact on my life. i hate you. i hate you. i hate you. thanks for making my life miserable. THANKS A WHOLE LOT. how the hell did you creep into my life and leave a f-ing big impact? why did you do all this? you may say its not your fault. but it is. maybe it isnt. why did you find me in the first place? you were the one who came right into my life and then you left me just like that. is my life a game to you? is it for you to do as you please? huh? you came when you wanted to, you left whenever you wanted to as well. am i a toy? you said you didnt toy with me but hey, YOU CAME INTO MY LIFE! now tell me, am i in the wrong? you were the one who came looking for me laa please. if you didnt come into my life none of this would have happened right? i would never remember you the way i do. i would never talk or think of you the way i do. but i guess the milk has been spilled and you'd get sick if you drink a contaminated milk cause its dirty and its not good for those who are weak. i know you're clever enough to figure this out. im sure you get what i mean mister. thanks for ruining almost a year of my life. fine, blame me for toying with you but you started it. like you said before, maybe this is just retribution for what you did to whoever it was. hope you're happy living your single life. remember the promise you made boy. the one you said you'll remain single till you go to work. but i guess the promises you made means nothing to you now huh. im out of your life. the promises is nothing. go break all of them alright boy? break them all. whatever it is, tanggung sendiri ehh? love you so much for ruining my life. why dont you reappear and disappear so you can leave more impact on my life then shatter my hearts to millions and millions of pieces just by giving me false hope of you being my friend forever and staying there? thanks a lot friend. only you, me and someone knows who im talking about. and you my dear, know that its you right?

ugh. thats a whole chunk of words for you. yes, its yours. all yours. maybe you deserve this but maybe you dont. only god knows right? so much for going to change together. thanks for helping me do nothing but dwell on the past. thanks ehh? you are so awesome. i love you for that. thanks for everything. esp for the miserable ones cause i know you'd be smiling at my misery. love you loads my dear friend.

i should stop talking about you. heart aches but whatthehell. i should not even be thinking of you. im done here. update when i feel like it. okay bye.

luminious orangyorange!

2010-07-15T09:11:00.007+08:00

i want something like the above pictures. the third one would be nice. i want an orange purse. will someone be kind enough to buy me? wait, i think i know who's getting for me a purse. haha. thank you very much someone.

nicole has an orange luminous clutch like this red one above. im so damn jaelous cause its ORANGE and its LUMINIOUS! *major sulks* she purposely use it so id be jealous. nicole, you wait till i get something orange. someone's getting me an orange purse. thank you someone. i love you very much for getting me an orange purse. hehe.

ohh, im a little okay today cause i can redo my experiment tomorrow. got someone to accompany me so i would redo with her. i love you very much aiyun. so wait, that means i need to buy the ingredients later when going home. and that means im going to ditch the study plan with yana. crap. thanks coursework. ohh, speaking of the study plan, it was spoilt. damnit. nehmind, il try to make it happen no matter what. HMPH! im going to have a fun time eating tmrw. haha.

OHH! and someone's getting me an orange bag for my birthday, i think. kay, im excited even though its months away. its orange so heck! im so freaking estatic and all the happy words that can describe happpiness. haha. im going crazy over orange. i want to go shopping soon. can someone go flea market with me? i think il go flea with my brother(s) and niece (if she has some money) so we can splurge on clothes, dresses, bottoms and accessories! my brother needs a new set of nice clothes for work while i need a new wardrobe of orange and literally a new wardrobe cause my wardrobe is filled with clothes already. niece needs to more bottoms that she can fit perfectly in to her wardrobe. haha.

okay, lesson end ready. im a happy lad now. dont spoil my mood.

-edited-
well, apparently god has other plans and some things totally spoilt my mood. while walking out of school, i saw f-face. how annoying. if i knew, i would have wasted much much more time. so annoying sia that f-face. got a little sick just now but im better now. but what totally blew the mood was my mp3. its just f-ed-up. im so damn pissed okay. the thing practically got on my nerves. i vented my anger on my youngest brother. he scolded me cause for venting my anger on him. but thanks to his skills and his knowledge, my mp3 is okay. i hope it'll stay this way. if not i must find something or someone else to vent my anger on.

going to be very busy nowadays. got to really start studying or someone will get angry if i back out on my words. will try my best to stay consistent alright? no promises. im so going to make you people shut the f-up. got to prove all the f-ing peeps out there that i can be successful. okay, i better get my things prepared for tomorrow. nights people. buhbye.

funfunfun!

2010-07-12T16:56:00.005+08:00

saturday was an awesome day out with family. my sister held a birthday party for baby nephew. he turned one that day. the center of attraction was him for awhile until oldest niece brought hair spray and sprayed sweetie's (younger niece) hair pink. i wanted to do my hair but didnt want to dirty the toilet so my sister asked me to do her hair. and i did. then sweethy (oldest nephew) wanted his hair done too. and so i became a hair stylist. tsk, i cant remember how many people's hair i did but i managed to colour my hair. mind you me and my niece finished more than two bottles of can just for our hair. fuhh. imagine how much chemical there was in our hair.

a little update. i lazy to do another post. so i screwed oral. stammered a little but hopefully will get a band b or ms sahira will kill me. actually she wont, she'd just be very very disappointed. i want to get an A so i wont need retake the malay. okay bye. i need to transfer some stuffs and off to sleep! ohh, oldest brother bought a new computer. he should've bought a laptop instead -.- nonetheless, its better and non-laggy. i hope. okay buhbye.

lovelies, there's a hidden meaning there.

2010-07-05T23:30:00.005+08:00
yesterday was awesome. went out with mum. got myself an earpiece and a shirt. we both got some beads and some other stuffs she wants to do in her free time and we got kitchen utensils. not utensils actually, more of those electronic devices. i cant really remember what they're called. yes, pathetic i know. but you cant blame me cause im supposed to be asleep right now thats why my brain isnt functioning as well if im awake at the supposed time i should. anyways i know its getting late cause there's school tomorrow but ive things to do. things that needs to be done and datelines to meet. unfortunately i didnt spend the weekends that well till i have to stay up to this late. awesome right? ugh! i hate datelines and the stupid annoyance of some people. some are good annoyance but some are real annoyance. the real meaning of annoyance.

well, what made my day on sunday was when my darlings came over. and i do hope that this friday, saturday and sunday i can head to downtown east to chill out since sister is having a chalet. how can i not love my sister? she knows exactly what i need. on that day, at that place i would let lose. party all day long on saturday. hopefully i can do that. wait, i think im going to be damn busy that day. so maybe its only my sunday or maybe even friday there, see how it goes.

damn, i feel hungry. but ive not finished doing my work. maybe when im done with work on the computer then i go eat. gosh im so hungry i feel like eating those delicious mouth-watery food im looking at right now. if only technologies are so high tech that food could be served just from clicking on the picture of the food that would be awesome. ugh, im making myself starve for this. if she doesnt take my work and ask me to edit somemore i think il go beserk. that day when she checked my work she told me something very 'hilarious'. you think everyone is like you isit? if you dont know anything please do not say anything or even comment on unnecessary things. i would like you to rather check things out before you say anything. you know this proves that when you speak any old how, you could spike anger and hatred. so watch your mouth people. watch your tongue esp. without your tongue, your mouth is useless.

okay, now im starting to talk nonsense cause im already sleep deprived. thanks ehh teacher for making me this way. well, not really your fault. but i dont really care cause the words you threw were not sharp. just annoying cause i know you're quite well to do but that doesnt mean everyone is okay. get that to yourself. just cause you family is fine and can afford things that doesnt prove that all people are like you okay? there are unfortunate people out there too. you of all people should know that. haih, i hope you know your mistake. and i'd be glad if you'd buy me a lappy since its so damn cheap. i think you'd afford it with no problem or have any difficulties in getting me one right? why am i infesting this lovely blog of mine with all this? gaaaaaaaaaaaah.

gosh i should stop blogging and continue with my work since ive some more work to do which is written. thanks school/teachers, i kind of love you for making me stay up this late to complete the task given by the teachers that make up the staff in the school and the pupils that make the students. i wonder why we have exams.

okay bye. i ought to be doing my stuffs if i want to sleep very soon which i doubt can ever happen if i dont stop.

editted.
i hate the today's last lesson. i hate today's physics lesson as well. thanks to physics i got a deep cut. thanks screwdriver for cutting me. i love you so much for doing that. NOT. and the last lesson of today practically made my blood boil as the teacher teaching the last hour was damn annoying and my enemy. my worst enemy ever. he has problems with girls. biased asshole! reality check mister, you want to pursue the matter about my girl then go ahead. you dont know how she's like so dont you dare do that to her again i tell you. if you yourself dare then go pursue it. id be supporting her and siding her. you wont even let people explain. and you are so goddamn unreasonable. i mean like totally unreasonable at all. you suck a whole lot. go check yourself in the mirror to see your flaws before you want to find fault in your students. that girl of mine isnt interested in lessons thats why she doesnt even listen in the first place you fcking loser.

ugh, im off now. am damn annoyed with some things. before i blow up. i better control myself. okay bye.continue tmrw.

fantastic favourable fun friday.

2010-07-02T14:18:00.005+08:00

well, i love today cause it was the most peaceful day ever. its the best day of the week. i mean no disturbances or annoyance by anyone. wooooooooooooooo! how i wish every single day of school can be like this. if it is, id be the happiest person on earth i tell you. ohh and that picture above is ernie from sesame street! our form teacher gave it to us since monday is youth day. she's so sweet. but sad thing is she lost her voice. so the whole class was totally quiet for like the whole hour. firstly, we got work to do. the other reason is she let us listen to songs. history is not so bad cause at least i managed to pay attention in class. TOTALLY pay attention. YAY! should do this often. i hope she teaches me next week. i totally understand what she's teaching. i got use to her ways already. hopefully i get her as my teacher even though she's strict but i dont mind cause bottom point i can study.

i love ernie. its so sweet. though the icing is a little too much but they made it so damn nice. i want more. i think im going to ask her where she got it from. its super duper uber nice! im so going to hunt for more of it. i think she got me addicted to that cookie. mmmmmmmmm .. YUMMY, YUM YUM. *drools thinking of the taste*

okay, im off to watching movies now. or maybe i should continue watching House MD. im so loving the today. im actually supposed to be sleeping right now cause im tired and have been sleep deprived cause ive been staying up late to complete the undone homework. i should be sleeping early tonight. if i dont watch soccer or watch some other tv shows that's available on the screen at that period of time.

i think i shall update my blog weekly. but that's if i have time to even update cause i should be studying hard and making notes. i wish i can get that motivation and drive. ive my goals set. i just need to study to achieve it. thats all. aku nak buat orang saket hati ngan aku punye keputusan seperti mane mereka telah menyaketkan hati aku ngan kate-kate dier. okay bye. sorry for the malay, just felt like it.

suckish day today.

2010-06-28T21:55:00.004+08:00
first day of school was supposed to be awesome. but it turned out quite disastrous when teacher came to talk about the coursework. its not like im the only one who never send it to her what. please laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. im starting to kind of have this ugly relationship with f&n. gahh. its so annoying. the annoying part is the one where she also finds me to be her target/victim of whatever she has to say. just cause she has those numbers .. UGH! besides that, we changed seating arrangements which is i guess good? let's see how things go huh?

apart from that, i had quite an awesome time making fun of my brother. for girls ehh? its a joke. lucky me i have brothers to help me distract me from certain things. im so glad i have brothers. for once im starting to appreciate their presence. yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay. love them. i should go before he starts to annoy me.

one month? HAHA!

2010-06-26T12:11:00.002+08:00
i went out yesterday and it was awesome. went to study with kakAtiqah. now i feel better than before that. she knows, i know. got my mind off things. which is exactly what i needed. if it wasnt for her, god knows what will happen. ohh! some other things happened and it was such quite a joke. i really couldnt stop laughing. ila ehh? HAHAHA! sorry but if you knew what happened, you wont be able to stop laughing either cause its damn funny. again, thanks for yesterday kakak! i really really really needed that. would have blown my head off if i didnt meet you. and the jokes that were made me smile.

sometimes i feel annoyed my memories. somethings are just better off left in its original situation but well, i have no idea why those memories came back. it is very annoying and hurtful. i wish i have a brainwash machine so i can get rid of that memory forever. i never want to relive those moments. not again, not ever. i just hope it'll stop now. i need it to stop now.

i think i might give my sweethearts a call cause i miss them. its been three weeks they didnt come on fridays. i need to see that cute little face of my niece. she can make me smile and tired me at the same time. but she's worth the energy used. i love her so much.

im happy today. veryvery elated due to some reasons. one month ehh? you know i know okay? haha. we laughed at this. right kak? guess thats what happen when you dont get some things out of your system. mesti refresh kan? start a new? haha. okay, this is yesterday's jokes. i really cannot stop laughing. at least now i can keep laughing at this and it'll make me smile. just like someone wants me to. kankankan? haha.

well, thats all. i need to do some last minute homework that i just got yesterday. if i finish it by 2 i can watch hindustan! yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay. i have lots of things to look forward to. today is just the happiest day ever even though there are some not wanted things going on. okay bye.

stuck in a world of my own.

2010-06-24T10:33:00.002+08:00
im stuck at home with some outings in between. i need a break from all this. i remembered something yesterday and it got me crying. god, those incident are still so fresh on my mind. i hate this. ugh. okay bye. sorry for not updating properly. but well, not much has been going on. okay now buhbye.

shut up! let me think.

2010-06-18T18:11:00.001+08:00

i will update properly soon.
i just need a little time to think about things thats upsetting me. okay bye.

not in much mood.

2010-06-18T13:08:00.002+08:00
i dont know whats with me but im just not strong anymore. how much longer am i suppose to be this way. it hurts every single day. every second of every minute of every hour of every day of every week of each month each year. i cannot stand the pain anymore. maybe i should really just disappear like how i should have even though it hurts me so much. i dont know if i could thats why im still hanging around not disappearing. but slowly, bit by bit i will. i just dont know when for sure but i should. its the best isnt it. i really dont want to but if i should i would. with that, i need to make sure i can be strong without faking it. without anymore covers. this is just the worst month. the firsty half of this year is torture for me. JUST the FIRST half. hope it doesnt get worst. if it does, 2010 is officially my worst year ever.

can i just drop everything and not pretend its hurting me terribly. i dont know what else to say or what to do or what to expect to do anymore. people expect me to be strong, to be an optimist, to concentrate on my studies. tell me how can i ever do that when everything is such a mess and ive my mind on other things which are more important at this very moment. something which matters more than my studies. something which would affect my studies. ugh, maybe i should just let things go and give more concentration on studies as much as i can. gosh, i hate this so fcked up situation right now. i hate it so very very very much. i want to just vanish from this so this would end this instant.

on a lighter note, happy birthday kak Atiqah. love you very much. meet up with you very soon okay? once im done with the things that needs to be done. i need you so very badly. it might be like the other time i met you outside school. i mean the 'rain and mini waterfall'. dont understand ask me kay?

hurt in deep misery.

2010-06-12T16:54:00.003+08:00
im so upset due to thursday's incident. why the heck did i see you? more of what were you doing in the east when its not even your schooling day and there is nothing much here at my area. i saw you walking. from far i guessed that it was you. i kept looking at you, you looked at me then you just look away. now im thinking if i was ever your friend back then. it hurts a whole lot to not get acknowledged. i wanted to break down on the spot but my niece was there with me. i had to take care of her. i didnt cry cause i didnt want her to panic and it was public. tell me why i remembered how you looked like even though it was ages(some when last year) when i saw you in reality? can my holiday get any worst? apart form the pile of work i have? ugh. once im done with school homework, ive got other work to do. my brother has a job waiting for me. gahh. this is officially the worst june holiday ever. forget it. i shouldnt even complain cause im going to have to go through this no matter what right Mr S?

thanks friend, for making me feel a whole lot more miserable than i already am. despite the fact that i was kind of happy to see you. the ignorance was the most painful thing you ever did to me. thanks for ignoring. did it even occur to you that you've seen me somewhere? i doubt so. i dont even think you care. hope i dont see you around much cause if im going to get ignored just like that. why didnt i acknowledge you? you're the one who decided to just vanish. now just vanish and get out of my head. thanks for all the ignorance, i appreciate it a whole lot.
and to a friend of this friend, im not sure if you still visit this blog of mine, but tell your friend i can never forget how he looks like. i can even remember how you look like clearly. who cares right? i doubt you would bother doing anything even if you know i still remember those small details when we were still close.

Mr S, thanks for being there for me whenever i needed you. you're awesome and i love you for being such a good person to me. thanks for caring and everything. i just dont know how to repary your kindness. i know i can be a total bitch at times. but you're still here for me. just like you've always promised. the promise where you said that you'd be here for me no matter what. and that's what i love about you. that little promise of yours make me very very happy. thanks for being such a good person.

thanks for making me feel super miserable and have such a hard time to sleep. you're very awesome friend. what a friend. thanks. wait, i shouldnt even be thinking of this. cause you didnt even bother to stay in my life so why the hell should i make an effort to stay in yours or to even let you stay in mine? im such a douchebag for being so miserable over someone like you. you may/may not know who you are. but this hint might tell you who you are. thursday around 3.30 pm at bedok interchange in your specs, blue shirt, cargo pants, black backpack and a camera in one of your hand, if im not wrong its on the right. you figure out who you are okay? bye.

ecstatic mood(:

2010-06-08T19:58:00.003+08:00
im so happy today. please do not spoil my very ecstatic mood. im so very happy today. cause of this one super cute thing. plus, i called my sweethearts yesterday. i miss talking to them. i miss them sleeping here even more. in two days, ive completed my math paper one. yaaaaay. no wait, damn it cause i never take paper two. how awesome? got to think of something so i can do my paper two asap then enjoy my holidays. for about one week only. or less than that. got to prepare for doom once got F&N lesson. cause coursework is incomplete. not my fault okay. she never put the pictures in her thumbdrive, told us to take the pictures then its not there. who wouldnt be pissed? furthermore i feel like doing the dishes at home so i can take my own picture. tak payah nak sakit hati tak dapat gambar. furthermore, its more relaxed at home. nobody to rush you to finish your work to go somewhere else. so that's it once im done with homeworks, im off to do my dishes again. that is final. i want my dishes to look very appealing. i think il change some recipes cause im not happy with some of the recipes that i already have. hope i finish my homework soon.

you can be annoying but super sweet at the same time. thanks for the comfort. needed it so much. thank you for caring so much though you're super annoying to the max, you're still the best. dont be too happy about this. im still a little unhappy about some things. but i dont want to make a big fuss. so i let it go. not worth the trouble right? okay bye.
p.s. you know who you are you annoying person.

just an insight.

2010-06-05T21:15:00.003+08:00
gosh how i hate things right now. how i wish things would be so easy to deal with. i want life to go smoothly but sadly it doesnt. it doesnt ever moved smoothly. even if it does, there's either a pit-stop or there's a little problem. cause life is like that. no matter how smooth you think your life is, there will always be the ups and the downs.

no matter how hard you try, you will always fall before you succeed. with failure, it turns into success. with sadness in you, you have to find happiness. with loneliness, you find company to be with all the time. but what if you didnt find hapiness, success or even someone to be with. what would your life be like? it would seem useless and hopeless.

everything would seem fake and not worthy anymore. all your hard work would be put to waste. all the guard you put on would just drop and eventually you'd be exposed. that mask, the pretense, the lies that you have to keep up when you faked everything just seemed too hard to keep up anymore. and all you felt like doing is sitting in one corner of the room and cry your hearts out till someone find you and do everything to cheer you up.

if life could be anything, i'd want it to go my way not like a fairytale. cause a fairytale is nothing but just lies that can hurt you in the long run. fairytales are like dreams that cease to exist. fairytales are nothing but a lie. which prince can find the princess by asking her to try on the glass slipper? which beast can turn into a prince when he kiss the love of his life? this is just a moment where they make you all dreamy and get you away from reality. but after the story ends, you're back to reality and everything hurts even more because you know that reality will be nothing like those fairytale which is just a fantasy.

so i should stop fantasizing about how we could be, about how things we could do, about the things we could share, about the pain that would have never exist, about the life we could have shared. cause its all fake, its not real. cause after fantasizing about all that, it makes me feel even worst than i already am/was.

now tell me how am i to survive being without you. im not sure i can but im trying to. it hurts a whole lot. but if i dont, then il never know the true meaning of surviving. each day is very painful and it hurts awfully. but i pretended to be strong when im not. i just act like its all okay but its not. it never was. i hide it, i kept it locked away in myself till a certain point where i cant take it anymore and tears just well up. every time i feel sad, i look at the sky at night and count the stars thinking are you doing what im doing cause we used to do that a lot. and now without you by my side i feel completely lost. i feel like a total dork and i shut myself off. living without you is very difficult, its just too much for me to take in. and you know me well enough to know why its a whole lot more difficult than it was before. want to know why? cause no matter what you say or do, it never takes away the actual hurt, the actual guilt and sadness that i kept deep down and locked at the back of my mind. i might say that i dont think about it when all i ever do is wish that i could go back into time so that we dont have to be this way. i miss you badly. i miss us even more. but what can we do?

you have no idea what goes on in my head or my heart. but thats cause i kept that part away from you so that you dont feel so burdened by my problems, by my guilt, my sadness, my emptiness. i hide things from you cause i dont want you to worry so much about me cause you are much more important that i am. its hard to be just fade away not knowing what you would have missed. you used to be my everything, you still are and will always be. its hard, its harsh and too much of a reality check. but once im gone, you'd be alright. i might be too. but no matter what, you're always in my heart, in my mind and in my sleep. you would never know how much you mean to me cause i never told you. you wont know a whole lot of things about me cause i decide that i should just go. its going to hurt, its going to be real bad but i know i have to do this. maybe it'll be better this way? im not sure. lets see what got has in store for each of us.

i will always think about you no matter how much impact it has on me cause im not sure what i would be without thinking about you. about the memories. about those days where everything was carefree when we were hanging out. its just not the same now. forget me now so that you can get to know me somewhen later in your life. im going to let you fade away, if that's even possible. you're the only one that i can never let go even if i say i will. its just pretense. i put on a mask when im without you. when im by your side, i can never fake a thing.

if it doesnt concern you dont be such an annoying pain in the ass person and read it okay? dont be such a d*ckhead, you douchebag.
and i have this feeling that you're lying to me about something. have you truly stopped? i have this feeling that you havent. maybe im wrong? i dont know, im not sure but do you care to tell me the truth? my guts say you really havent. and you do know that my guts and instinct are ~~almost~~ always right right? il hear from you soon right?
p.s. ignore the last post, i was just so freaking sad without you by my side.

got to save myself from this pain.

2010-06-02T16:54:00.007+08:00

guess what? im going to shut myself from you cause i need to take a breather. i need to learn how to go through all this without you. i need to, i need to, i need to. i miss you but im not going to go back on my words. i cant. i really shouldnt be doing this anymore. im torturing myself. but if i dont then when will all of this stop? it wont stop if i dont make a move. ive got to learn to be stong. i got to learn to be independent. i got to learn how to love my life without your presence.it hurts yes it does. but i will not go back on my words. i shouldnt. should i? i really have to get hold of myself and get use to this.
im going to shut myself off from you. goodbye.
goodbye for now. maybe we meet again someday. i love you so very much that im hurting myself so i will learn how survive any pain. im a selfish useless bitch that's going to hurt you. sorry for this.guess what? il try my best to stay away from you. sorry and goodbye. take very good care of yourself. love you. bye.

love my sweethearts!

2010-05-29T12:14:00.003+08:00
a week since i last updated. been quite busy and plain lazy. going to neglect blogger for quite some time. especially during june. that's if i can stand the temptation on turning on this computer to check facebook or to blog. ohh! today's someone special day. i wonder who's that lucky girl.

well, lets start with the start of the week which is a monday! im being long winded here cause im somewhat hyper thanks to yesterday. well monday was spent in the geography room studying malay with mira cause the others were having their practical. so during recess, i dropped by asking mdm siti about something but she say ask tomorrow. then the period after recess was spent in class either playing board games or watching movie after a briefing about the testimonial thingy but i spent my time listening to song before heading to the hall for some talk about the schools. ~~and shedding tears due to some reason.~~

on tuesday, spent the first half slacking cause the teachers werent there yet. after what seemed like a decade the teachers arrive. so we went into class and guess what? we spent 15 minutes of our recess in class. awesome much. but ohh wells, what to do? after that back to class to do something. i forgot what but headed to hall soon after cause we had these talks about schools yet again.

wednesday wednesday. its a yknw i knw thing. haha! it was spent doing practical all morning till 11 plus? got a blister early in the morning while walking to school. so did practical bare-footed till mdm siti gave me a plaster. how sweet. we were cooking while the rest were having morning assembly. haha! that is great! skipping a morning assembly. fun like crap mann. but i didnt do one dish despite the head start cause i was plain lazy and cause mdm siti and mdm haryani kept rushing us to get ready for form class day. so around 11.15 we head there and had our fun. went off quite early. had an awesome time that day. a day well spent. i just love that day very much.

thursday, had lessons as per normal and p.e. was just bullshit. our class should have fight back mann. nonsense teacher. guess what? we hate you. if they dont well i do. thanks to that, i was sweating as though the sun was so freaking near me. had assembly at 12.30 and was released late thanks to the lower sec. job well done lower sec, you guys made our day dragged and fun. next time do it even louder alright? met teachers and waited for my psycho junior(inside joke). head to tampines after that. homed by 4.

friday, day was spent sleeping till 12. keep waking up in between for idk what reason. i just felt fatigue that whole day. had brunch with family at home. spent the rest of the day watching tv. at night my sweethearts came! my baby nephew look so thin now. but the weight's still about the same. my niece is super cute. wants me to make her sleep. but end up i ditched her for my sleep. my nephew is toothless now. haha. his teeth dropped. all four front top teeth. haha. when i laughed at him he smiled with his mouth closed. haha. cute right? they never fail to make me smile from ear to ear. love them so much.

today's someone's birthday. and i bet she's having some fun before reading some things for malay paper on monday. happy 16th birthday fatin! hope you have fun and enjoy your day today. you know im here for you if you need some annoying-ness and some element of memories and those nonsense we share. love you! see you on monday.

at least i feel better now. a little better than before. hope whatever decision i made is the right decision. i want to make it work. it has to. i know you'd understand even though you're a little reluctant to go through this, but so am i. i just dont really show it. thanks for cooperating. the pain and hurt will be gone as soon as we stop thinking about it. which i clearly know it wont but we should try to just let go for now cause that's what best for the moment. lets give it a break. you know what i mea dont you? if you dont then ask.

thats all i have for now. got to study for my malay. then i can rest then start studying again. hopefully i continue studying properly. hopefully it wont stop. i seriously got to buck up. lets find my inspiration and motivation. okay bye.

form class day.

2010-05-27T20:46:00.004+08:00

just pictures. will update properly soon.

MIRAAAAAAAAA! go take the gambar-gambar you want. aku dah upload okay. haha. see you monday. ohh! anws, aku rase aku tak dalam the same class as kaw for poa. have fun ngan idk who. HAHA!

SPEECHLESS.

2010-05-23T15:13:00.005+08:00
im crushed. im sad. im feeling all stupid and hopeless right now. just cause of one incident early in the morning. i cannot help stop myself from thinking of it cause i dont know what to say. i just dont. im clueless. this wasnt how i expected it to be. i didnt mean for it to be like this. you dont get it. ive not told you the reason why and yet you come to a conclusion. it isnt what you think it is cause you dont know the reason for this yet. so why cant you just concentrate on your things first before i tell you? i dont want this to affect anyone badly. i dont want it to affect anyone of us too bad. you concentrate on getting well first while i have to concentrate on preparing for my malay paper. you know how much i need to concentrate on this right? you know how badly i want an A for my malay right? please dont make this anymore harder than it already is. ive broke down like what feels a million times. you crushed me just by asking that question which was not the whole deal. it crushed me evrn worst when those few words came out. i cried ohkay. yes, i cried cause it was just too hurtful to digest. you dont know whats the whole thing about. you spat out those super hurtful words. i cannot take that fact that you came to that conclusion cause that isnt exactly what i had in mind. so can you please just let it go for now?

do you know how much it hurts right now? do you have any idea how much pain you just put me through with just your words? i didnt want this to happen. this wasnt how it was suppose to happen. now tell me what the hell just happened around here? what happened to you? now you keep things from me too. how awesome? yes you dont want me to worry by not telling. and by not telling you think i dont think of it? you think i dont try to figure out what the hell isit? maybe its cause i hid this from you as well that you hid that from me? i really dont know what else to do anymore. wait, i do know what to so just not sure what the fck i should say to you. im just not in the right mood. im not in a good state. im getting sick you know. yes i didnt tell you cause its not like im already sick with fever or something. im just falling sick but im not. and this stupid moodswing makes everything worst. guess ive to come clean with you about this super soon huh?
~~it hurts a whole lot cause it crushed me so very deep that i think im lost in my own world of pain, hurt and sadness. you hurt me too much.~~
but for now just let me be. just by saying this, it hurts a whole lot. cause its almost the same as what you said. ugh, forget it. we will talk soon.

mateen, i feel you. seriously but what can we do? we can make it better if we want to. im in the same position as you only worst. come on mann, you got to be a good role model for both your younger siblings. do you want nur to be like this? do you want hadi to to like this? i doubt so. so please, do what you must. neglect your friends if you must change. its not easy i know. its hard but its worth thr try and worth the effort. ive already started my journey to be better. furthermore we have lots of uncles, lots of cousins to look up and seek help. so that's what ive got to say for you. its ultimately your choice mann. takecare bro!

its too freaking much for me.

2010-05-21T18:05:00.005+08:00
i cannot take it any longer. its too painful. too hurtful. im not sure if i can keep up being this way. its just not me anymore. i really need to get this done and over with. i need to get over this thing thats been left undone. ive got to deal with this then maybe il be at ease. maybe it'll be hard but at least i know i did the right thing. ugh! why are things so damn difficult nowadays? i just hate it. i hate myself for making all the stupid decisions. looking back, it hurts and it looks stupid to me. but what's done is done. the damage cant be undone. the pain, the guilt, the hurt, the agony, the doubt, the truth, the distrust towards me, the suspicion. basically everything that has happened, is happening and will happen is too much for me to take in. its too much. too much for a person like me to handle. my head hurts thinking about this. it hurts cause it feels like it can explode any moment from now that i know is totally impossible unless i have a bomb inside me which clearly i dont cause im not anyone who want to kill myself or others nor do i have any disease that makes the head swell so big. so my head cannot literally explode but inside there are already sparks. ive been super weird lately. only i know cause i notice myself too much. i now pay extra attention to what i do. its just annoying but thats just what i need to do. to notice and amend those that are totally wrong. im tired, im tired, im tired. im just tired of facing this. how long more should i stay this way? how long more can i keep this pain away? how long more do i have to keep lying to myself? how long more will my heart be at unease? how long more do i need to keep up with this false pretense? just how long more? im sick and tired of crying, trying to hold on, trying to act as though its not affecting me so much when it affects a whole lot of me, trying to be strong when i have no more strength left, trying to be the person i once was? when is it going to end? when will the day of happiness come? when will the day where i dont have to be so restless anymore? when will i smile widely without faking it? when can i ever be the person i was back then?~~i miss you so much that letting go would be the right thing to do right now.~~

i need yogHURT and PAINkillers.

2010-05-19T16:47:00.002+08:00
find the hidden meaning in those words. if you figure it out then well good for you. you know sometimes in life you just have to hide the pain and the hurt cause you dont want the person you love and/or the person you care about to worry and/or feel hopeless and useless cause they cannot help you due to some circumstances? well, in life you just have to deal with this. sometimes you hide some things because you dont want to hurt the other party or you dont want to hurt yourself knowing that the other person would be hurt. the latter would be harder to deal with wont it? i dont get what up with me. i just dont. im totally changing. i myself can feel it. but i know that this is the right thing to do. and this is the best way to solve this so that not many people wont suffer. gosh how i hate this feeling. this remorseful-despite-knowing-that-its-the-best-thing-and-also-the-right-thing-to-do feeling. ohh well, i guess this gives me time to get my own self prepared with what will happen and whatever obstacles coming my way cause im going to try my very best to break the news without implying so much pain be it directly or indirectly cause i cant see you hurt cause it'll hurt me even more and il be miserable for such a long time. you my dear, have to get yourself ready for what's to come. it might be bad, it might be good. just get yourself mentally and emotionally prepared alright?

super sonic sarcastic sarcasm.

2010-05-16T18:01:00.005+08:00
well, i know its been a week plus since i last update. its exam period so i was studying really hard for the last few papers. have to ace those papers. i had exam all the way last week. and friday was suppose to be marking day, which mean the graduating classes need not go to school. but we had to just to check the social studies paper. super unpleasant day that was.

however, ive other things that made me a happy person. cause i went out with my juniors on thursday after my very last exam. we decided to catch a movie but that movie was unavailable to we decided to watch robin hood. it was an awesome movie. well, that's if i did not include what happened when the people behind us were talking when the movie was showing and they couldnt even sit on their seats without making such a big fuss out of it. deciding where to sit was a problem for them. i think they're a bunch of lower sec students. stupid jerks. they were talking loudly when the movie was starting, ending also the same. tsk. annoying to the max sia. went out so all of us can 'de-freeze'. mind you they did not tell me they want to catch a movie till that morning itself straight after school. if not i could ask my mum bring my jacket. tsktsk. so all of us were frozen ice in there. it was a two hours plusplus movie. so be prepared whoever wants to watch that movie.

and my friday was spent to check the social studies paper which i failed not that badly. after that i went to inter to get some stuffs for trying out my recipe yet again. got some other stuffs as well and saw a friend whom didnt recognise me till we were so near. well, i was actually unsure if it was him cause he looked a little different than as per normal. haha! then homed and got to know my little sweethearts were sick so they're not coming that night. well, thats one night for myself. i couldnt sleep due to some reasons which left me sad.

first half of my saturday was spent waiting for my brother to wake up and stuffs. went out at 2plus with my two brothers. went to inter to check some things out then off to bugis. walked around bugis street looking at some shirts for myself, a jacket for my youngest brother and t-shirts for my brothers which i check the quality and price but decided not to buy anything yet. but soon after my brother got his jacket, i got myself some bangles which i caught my eye the moment i saw it so i bought it. then we went out cause my youngest brother say he want go home. so my second brother say is there anything else i want so i told him i want the shirt that caught my eye just now but im afraid i wont have enough so he offered to pay for me. YAY. so both my second brother and my youngest brother bought me a shirt(partly my second brother cause he owes my youngest brother money. so its like they pay for me). ohh, my brother got a similar shirt to me but its not the same actually. so off we went to the mrt with a quick stop at diva. got two empty bracelets, which was coincidentally at discounts which made me as happy as a small kid getting sweets. and i told my brother i had little charms at home so since we're out we should head to tampines to get more charms and my youngest brother went home cause his leg was painful for idk-what-reason-cause-he-himself-dont-know-why. had light food then head to the shop, got what i think that little girl would like and home we went. did the bracelet and im done. all i need to do is make that little girl her card.

had religious school exams, dad was feeling nice so he asked if a girl walking was my classmate and they were shocked when i asked them to get in the car. so we went in and turn out we were the only ones there. so revise a little and started the paper. after exams dad picked me up, headed to brother's house but they were asleep so we went to my aunt's house where i entertained the little kids while their mum was teaching the brother. spent almost four hours there. dad wanted to buy some water but there was none left so he told me to buy ice kacang instead. after such a long time of not eating it and the super scorching hot weather it was worth it. loved it so very much. the rest of the day was spent sleeping and watching movie.

and today? today is a very suckish day cause of the results. some spoiled my mood while some made me happy. bought other things that i needed for my recipe and now im blogging while waiting for the things to defrost. hopefully i wont get lazy cause im watching another movie now. haha. my malay is totally disappointing. i expected to get way better marks than that. o level is in two weeks time. exactly two weeks time. gahh! hope i do very very well for that paper. get an A2 at least. that's my minimum target.

ohh! and im so looking forward to this friday, hopefully my oldest niece come on friday or i have to made a special delivery to my sister's house. and next wednesday! i hope we can cycle there. if we can, im a happy lad. i better get going so i can do my recipes. YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY. alright goodbye. and below are some pictures. enjoy people.

my fault like always.

2010-05-07T18:13:00.003+08:00
look, read and get this in your head ohkay? its not you, its ME. i feel like we've grown far apart. you've not done anything wrong or anything that could upset me. but its just me. the way i look at things now. im starting to look at things in a new perspective now. its difficult for us, i know. but its even harder for me. i dont have space to breath. its damn difficult. i know you're understanding and everything. but please, dont blame yourself for anything that might happen next cause clearly its not your fault.

and its obvious that i need time to think so why dont we do our own things for awhile. let me get my head clear. let me ask myself what i want and what the heck is wrong with me. im so sorry for hurting you if i already did indirectly or directly but i really dont mean to hu. im just not really myself these days. ive been in another person's shoes. i looked at things from different perspectives. ive been thinking about things differently. i really have and that is why i need time alone. that is why im not myself. that is why im being a bitch. that is why im being insensitive. that is why im being too distant. that is why im being everything i didnt used to be. that is why you would hate me. that is why im doing this right now. because i feel that its whats best right now. im so very sorry. you take care of yourself alright? try your best not to worry about me, i will be alright somehow.

kakAtiqah, i need you. shall give you a call soon. but im not sure when. maybe i should really pass a note to mahy so you'd know about it asap then you can advise me accordingly. cause seriously, i dont know whats up with me anymore. i need to meet up with you very soon. at least i can cry as much as i want around you and know that id be alright one way or another. hope we can meet super soon.

tell me what's on your mind.

2010-05-06T14:57:00.009+08:00
somtimes you'd rather be by yourself and disappear so you can escape it all. sometimes you have to mask it with what you want people to see. sometimes you fake things to hide the truth. sometimes you ask a person to stop caring but what you meant if for the person to care. sometimes you say you want to be left alone but what you meant was stay here with me. sometimes you say you're fine on your own when in fact you wont. sometimes you say you'd be strong but you know you wont. sometimes you pretend everything is alright when its a total disaster. sometimes you think that it is better for something to be the way it is but its not. sometimes i cry and say go away when in actual fact, i want you to hold me tight and wipe away my tears. sometimes you wish you'd be invisible, sometimes you wish you'd have powers but of course, that dont happen.

the reason why i wrote all of the above is because ive been thinking. ive been thinking about it for quite some time now. yes, i smile, i laugh, i joke and make a fool of myself sometimes. but what happens in my heart is not spoken. its sealed, totally shut out from anyone. everyone actually. one thing led to another. from that one test, from just that one paper it led to one emotion then to another. its too much for me. too much for me to handle. too much for me to handle. im not strong anymore. stop saying i am. sorry for giving you false hope, for lying to you about trying to be strong when i already know i cant. im sorry. its really to much. if you manage to read this id like to apologise for lying and hurting you. sorry for hurting you so much. sorry for making you put a whole lot of trust in me. because i know i cannot be that strong person anymore. ive lost it. ive lost the vibe. ive lost my cool. im not sure how to survive this now.

time and again, i shed tears because i miss your presence. because i cannot be with you. because of this bullshit situation. because we have to wait for a very long time. because its too hurtful. because its too much. because ive no strength. because i cannot spend time with you. because im not as strong as you claim i am. because im afraid of losing you. because of what happened in january. because i see my friends who are happy. because i see this very sweet couple. because i remember all the times we had, those happy moments. because i walk by places where there were memories. because you arent here to force me to do things anymore. because im in pieces and im lying to you saying im alright and stuffs. because of a whole lot of other reasons that i never mentioned to you. and this picture below is exactly how i feel.

but when can i see you again? when can i be in your arms again feeling your warm embrace? when will i be able to spend my time not faking everything? when can i be cheerful again? when will i be crying the tears of joy? when will i see you ever again? when will i be feeling your love? when can i be angry but happy at the same time? when can i be annoyed but still laugh? when can i finally spend time with you? when can i feel like a little girl again? will we even live that long? will i ever be in your arms?

i need to let this go. i need to throw all this feeling far away from me. il give my best shot at trying to survive everyday without you. just leave me be. goodbye for now. i might or might not be back to say hello. tell me what you think about this. im sorry once again. im very sorry. i need to get your thoughts on this. its not fair if i do it my way without consulting you. i really dont want to be a selfish person or self-centered bitch. sorry, im just not myself. i grew weak. sorry a whole lot.

cant stay for long.

2010-05-02T12:16:00.007+08:00
hello there. its been awhile since i last blogged huh? well what to expect when exam is already here. well, science practical was nonsense, lost two marks cause my compound was totally wrong. gahh, regretted not revising properly. physics was ohkay despite the fact that i did not study anything for physics. thank god its easy. but chem was practically useless piece of nonsense. then on friday, had both english and social studies. english was a little difficult, i forgot to write the header for my speech. such sadness right? haih. BUT social studies is even harder. guess what? i lost a good 11 marks for seq. why? cause i didnt have enough time to complete it. stupid mann. i studied for it! annoyed like (insert vulgarities). well, actually that means that i have to score better for my history. haiyo, sad mann like this. hopefully i cna do well for it.

ohh, and an incident happened on wednesday. stupid (insert occupation). get your facts right ohkay. dont accuse anyhow. and you're one hell of a biased person let me tell you. you annoying (insert occupation). please laa, im not in the wrong. and please, act your age will you? so unprofessional of you to be doing so. if you want to (insert thing here) then be it. im not in the wrong, im not afraid i tell you. (insert name) is so annoying who is obviously not professional enough to be a (insert occupation). you should do your work properly ohkay? trust me, you suck at your job. want make me regret? lets see who manage to do so alright? you somewhat challenge me indirectly by doing/saying what you did on that day. you make me lose my respect towards you.

thatperson, see that quote up there? its for you. despite whatever we've gone/going through you are still the reason for my smile, my laughter and for my worries to fade away. you are the only one who is able to do so. trust me, you're hard to find. nobody else can take your place. you're irreplaceable, that's what you are.

well, that is all for now. will update once mid-year end. and after mid-year, there will be other exams coming. how awesome? wait, after mid-year there will be 'o' level practical for F&N and then intensive studying for malay 'o' levels. hope i can do well for both. i need to do well to prove things to some annoying people, especially (insert name). trust me (insert occupation), i dont want to see your face again. it makes me want to puke.

hello goodbye.

2010-04-26T15:42:00.006+08:00

hello people. guess what? im in the lab right now. doing my freaking coursework. must state whether i bringing from home or what. like what the hell! grrrrrrrrrrrrrr. she's suppose to provide for us sia. but oh wells, at least we can do more at home since its that way laa. haha!

im getting too tired. sometimes its too tiring to do something for such a long time. its just too much to take in. will i be that way(points to picture above) for such a long time? im getting weak as each day pass. tell me what else can i do? what else should i do? i really cannot take this no more. its too painful. im beginning to lose the strength i have. tell me where should i get the strength from? you're not here anymore so where am i to search for my strength? where am i suppose to get my support from? where am i to get my motivation. where where where? its too much already. but what do i do? i just keep the pain to myself and then cry my hearts out alone. that's the only way right now. ohkay, i cannot take it anymore. buhbye. ive got to stay strong through today.

emotional much.

2010-04-23T13:22:00.004+08:00
today was one superhard day i had to go through almost alone. UGH! why the crap did it happen? why did i even bother? was it simply my mistake or is it another person's fault? i just dont get it. i dont get you. its hard. its too hard. maybe i should just keep myself to myself huh? isnt it better that way? totally right? at least i dont need to tell whats wrong and everything. it would be me living my life as a lie cause i can pretend that im happy when im totally not okay. i will try my best to hide the pain, the anger, the disappointment. tears started to fall and i had to stop for a moment. it hurts a whole lot having to go through life as though you're living in your own world cause its not your own, its shared. you have to stop daydreaming and get back to reality. but reality hurts more than your own world where everything is always alright and there are no worries. it hurts even more when you are being hurt by the person whom you used to be close to. it sucks big time. suddenly the other person become more important than you. suddenly the person you know became the person you once knew but you are trying to know the person again. its difficult to trust, to not be very emotional about it. and the worst thing is, the person you knew make the person you know the most important person on earth whereas if it wasnt for you, the person you knew wouldnt have known the person you know. its difficult to understand but if you get me then you must be totally clever. trust me. its such a complicated world we live in. but we have to make use of everything. every chance, every detail, every choice you make is another step to something bigger than you might think it is. its really hard to see things happen right before your eyes and you know you need to do something but you cant cause there is a barrier. either you stop yourself or someone stopped you. its damn hard. its pain but all i can do is keep the pain to myself. i wouldnt want to say a single word cause its better left unknown to you than known.

and you said what does (insert phrase here) mean. i myself dont know cause ive lost alot of that. so when you asked i kept quiet. i couldnt say anything anymore. i really cannot take this. despite everything i just say nothing of this hurt. why should i anyway. its not of any use is it? you changed a whole lot. i just dont know who you are anymore. you are the person i once know of. now you changed into someone i knew. but i still make an effort to get to know the new you. thats if you even see the effort i put in. if no then i guess its alright? i really want to leave myself locked up in the room and then cry so the tears i shed cause of you would be smiles in your eyes. that is all for now i guess?

and to thatperson, i miss you so very much. but can i do anything? no. i just have to swallow the pain day to day and hide everything cause its the best for now. even though i shed those tears every now and then, you wont know cause i hardly show it now. maybe ive grown stronger? maybe ive became stonecold to even show it? who knows when i myself dont. maybe its just of what im going through now thats forcing me to grow older and stronger faster. despite everything that we've gone through i guess its the best now. in time to come, we might see each other again.

goodnight people.

SICK):

2010-04-22T21:14:00.002+08:00
SICK! how awesome? started with a slight flu. turned out to be flu and occasional coughs. what a great way to greet NAPFA. had it today. went quite well i must say. despite the budak kecik disturbing me, i was determined to get my gold. provided i pass 2.4 with a C. at least. that's the minimal ohkay. and mr quek so mean! he didnt let me beat the record for shuttle run): how nice of him. tsk.

well, my monday was spent at hoe after school. had math remedial on tuesday. wednesday was spent talking to (insert name with insert people here). today i had a date with my ohh-so-lovely NAPFA. tmrw im going to have 2.4 cum cross country. how awesome right? but well, what can i do? im just a student. furthermore my fault for not eating meds.

anws, im going to sleep. be the emotional me once again. just not letting anyone see that me. im going to hide that side of me. kay, goodnight people.

emotional roller coaster.

2010-04-17T20:44:00.006+08:00
its been a week since i last update. give me a break mann. i ought to be getting time for myself. like today, all i did was slack at home doing nothing much but be a couch potato. well, starting from monday no more. i really have to start bucking up. like seriously laa. anws, here's a brief update about the whole week.

sunday. religious school, watch tv till late night.

monday. school, lunchtime concert, official stepping down of sce4s and 5s. handing over of roles and off for oral. home, coursework and a little bit of homework.

tuesday. school, home and did coursework again.

wednesday. school, stayed in school for a little while then home, coursework.

thursday. school, bought some things and tried some of my recipes, then coursework yet again.

friday. school, went home and my brother's motorcycle chain came off. how awesome was that? then went home, sleep then went shop to buy some stuffs then home and started doing a few more recipes. at night, became a babysitter again! it was awesome mann. i miss my little sweethearts. talked to sister for abit then slept at one plus in the morning.

today woke up early, close to 9. then have been slacking, eating, watching tv and nothing more. its been a very slow day for me. im really being a couch potato. got to sop that from getting any further.

one thing is for sure, ive been pretty down lately. ive no idea why. wait, maybe i do. its really annoying. i cannot stop thinking about some things. especially about things that has the most effect on my life. its just too much to take in. its really unbearable for me. i wish i can stop this feeling. i want this to end. i want this feeling to stop. i want to be able to be stronger than this feeling, unfortunately its stronger than me. im unsure of what to do now. gaaaaaaaah.

kay, buhbye. i want to sleep. byes.

bloody moodswings.

2010-04-13T22:03:00.003+08:00
i feel sad. i feel angry. i feel annoyed. i feel agitated. i feel happy. i feel moody. i feel sleepy. i feel a million of feelings right now. its all in a humongous big bowl of feelings and its being mixed. tell me why the hell am i feeling this way. i need to know how and what triggered it. gosh, i feel stupid. ive no bloody idea why. i hate moodswings. i hate it a whole lot. now i feel like i cant be bothered. what's with me? what is happening to me? ugh. i hate this. i officially hate menses and moodswings. no wait, i hate myself for not being able to control my moodswings. and now i feel like crying myself to sleep. damn it laa. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it. ugh, nehmind. let's just let go. i think.

SPEECH DAY(SATURDAY) = FUN! + AWESOME! + ENJOYABLE MOMENTS!

2010-04-10T18:34:00.006+08:00
well, been pretty busy lately. didnt have much time to update this blog of time. well, sadly enough im going to get even busier after this has all die down. as in the performance fever and the stepping down which im glad but not totally happy cause of some reasons. the reasons? you dont have to really know if you dont want to. haha.

well, my wednesday was spent at home cause i was dead tired and all. so well, i slept my way till before the sun set which was around 5plus? i did my homework after that. such a goodgirl. but i didnt finish it cause i was too sleepy plus lazy.

thursday, had rehearsals after school. lend the respective people the things. hope they wash and give me properly clean and all. they better be in good condition, as in the way i lend them. tsk. if not il ask them to buy for me the same exact ones. homed and was dead beat. slept way way early cause i was darn tired.

friday, was spend doing my pcip. it was awesome! im sure going to miss jason and mabel): that day mabel was sick. i was singing for some of them. jason said i could join american idol. he is fun to be with. i feel like making a trip there just to visit them. i miss them already. they all teach me something about life. i love them loads. at night, my little sweethearts came. just when my mum asked when we want to go there to give the letters to them. gosh, i miss those kids. well, was about to sleep then niece ask me to accompany her till she slept. the older niece mind you. so i did then i sleep.

saturday, woke up EARLY! like who the hell wakes up that early on a weekend if we're dead tired? headed to school, thought i was late but lucky me, i wasnt. so changed and practice and all. and then i blew it with my junior. the room suddenly grew quiet for a moment till (insert name) killed the silence. so rude of that girl! she dont even have basic manners. she totally deserved to get that from me. she cried, i didnt bother apologising cause im not at fault. besides i merely raised my voice. such a crybaby. thats what she get when she was NOT there LAST YEAR and she ACTS like she KNOWS EVERYTHING. who ask her to interrupt when i was talking to someone else? butt in somemore and il definitely going to teach her manners by myself. such a spoilt little (insert vulgarities). anws, when practising, somebody somewhat fainted. kay, she didnt faint, she fell flat on her face. she had no control of herself cause she was feeling giddy. me and syafiqah knew something was up but i had to confirm it with syafiqah. ohh, and at the very end of the practise, the sec3s giving us our farewell gifts, something happened. what an experience. went out with syafiqah for lunch. then homed.

sunday/today, went madrasah and im going to get ready to go out soon. i think i shall upload the photos soon. ive already moved it to the comp. but im busy doing other things like my coursework that is due this tuesday. my planning, decision making and quite a lot more.

syafiqah, be strong alright? i know you can fight it back. that time was a very scary time but i know i had to do something. do you know how worried both arini and i were about you? we were very worried. be strong to face this. you know i am still there for you no matter what. dont be shy or afraid to come to me for help. i will try my best to do everything i can so that you will be at peace and not easily get disturb. remember! stay strong, NEVER let it win.

wandy, you know why im pissed off at you for. read your blog and understand. try to read it from my perspective. please, remember what ive said to you way before this. i dislike it. please laa, its damn obviously what i dislike. ive told you once. remember it, search your brain for it. im really very disappointed in you. VERY disappointed. its got something to do with religion and what you're doing now. hopefully you'd understand.

missing them terribly):

2010-04-06T10:19:00.003+08:00
things are going well i guess? going through some stuffs made me sad and think of what happened as well as the pain and evrything. its just too easy cause this things keep appearing as and when it wants to appear. ive no control over it. im trying my best to forget some of you people. apparently i cant. the memories are just too strong for me. i remember most of the good things. but some of the bad things stay. like the moment someone left my life. its hard. and when a friend faced that, i felt the pain as well. an incident brought me to think about what happened to me. but im very envious of how the manage to handle it. its very heartbreaking. i will not say who or what triggered this. its kept deep down in myself.

well, moving on. this week will be yet another busy week. ugh. damn laa. speeh day, lunchtime concert, remedials and everything else. i really need to start bucking up. and having a chat with (someone) was fun and stress-reliving. its fun! also cause that person manage to help me in soon ways. good(gender) sey that person. ohh! i found out that even plants have gender. its quite cute ohkay. my mum was cutting the plants and i asked why she cut. she say cause its not bearing any food which meant it was a male. and i stared and asked in disbelief, plants also have gender? cool right? kay, maybe its cool for me. but not for you but who cares? its my blog anws. you have no right over this. tsk. ive been so busy i dnt even have time to update and upload the overdued photos. crap much. sorry little kiddo. this kidd has been asking me for the photos i took on sports day. he's chubby. which never fail to remind me of my nephew.

speaking of which, i saw them on sunday. the brother nephew keep disturbing me. and that made me smile. i miss him): since they moved, i rarely see them. my niece too. she didnt want to be with me at first. well, its been 3 weeks since we last met so thats why she feels uncomfortable. she's like that with everyone. now i wish i stayed near to my lovely sweethearts. they never fail to make me feel better despite making me a little angry at them. but they still make my day the most awesome day ever. i miss that. i miss them a whole lot. i think i should tell my mum to make a regular trip there at least once a week. its going to be the highlight of the week. also we can finally use those bikes that we've keep for such a long time. at least its of some use. gosh, talking about them makes me want to cry. i miss being with them. and niece started school yesterday. i hope things go alright. im really worried something i dont want to happen will happen to her. its very heartaching everytime that happen to any of them. im scared but happy for them. happy cause at last they got their house. also, they have a playground nearby which i hope would help nephew to slim down and scared cause (insert reason here). *sighs.* i miss my cute little sweethearts. and my younger nephew already knows how to stand and crawl by himself and he can now sit by himself. its that long. and he seems bigger somehow. haha. wow, i really didnt expect to write a lot about them. see how much i miss them? haih. things happen when i least want them to. but since they moved i should have more time to study. but the air without them feels so very different. if my niece was around, she would sit and study with me. at least ive someone to accompany me. then she sit there and draw and then she tells me whats it about. cute right? i miss that. my nephew does the same. now ive no motivation. i need my source of motivation. i need to find that very very badly now if i want to ace my mid-year exams. im holding back my tears remembering them. they're my sunshine when it rains. they're the clouds happiness each time im down. i love my babies(though they're not literally babies).
im officially missing my old life whereby everything was fun and alright. its stressful now, too stressful for me to handle?

FANTASTIC FRIDAY FUN!

2010-04-03T11:21:00.002+08:00
HELLO! im so damn happy but disapointed. but wait, before i do anything else, let me somewhat upadate about my days since the last time i blogged.

tuesday was pure school.

wednesday, had assembly then something happened then. was annoyed like *insert vulgarities* cause of *insert name* doing *insert thing here*. met kakAtiqah and talked to her for a while.

thursday, had choir as well as the speech day rehersal. again something happened. patience running low with *insert name*. its just so damn irritating and embarrassing!

and FRIDAY? my friday is the most awesome day ever! had a blast. try doing rock climbing/hiking to do some abseiling with skinny jeans/jeans, long sleeves plus headwear(tudung). its a lifetime experience. i had fun. try playing the normal games in school with the same attire. its tiring, hot but plain awesome fun. i really enjoyed myself at the dairy farm. well, we didnt go to the farm itself. it was nearby. i really want to do some climbing there. i was lucky to be the first group. cause if i didnt go first, i wont be able to enjoy any of the activity. it was a blast i tell you. those who were there would agree (i think) despite the heat and the lack of water and sweat and everything. picture will be uploaded very very soon!

im going out today. with my family. to where? to look at some stuffs. tell me how awesome my week is. i love 02042010 FRIDAY so very much. weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees. im high so please, dont spoil my mood people! will update all the pictures soon alright? be patient. im very busy nowadays. so yeeah.

still sick

2010-03-30T09:28:00.003+08:00
hey! i know its been such a long time since i last blogged. well, had been pretty busy the last week. had to settle thigns and all. quite annoying but had my fun despite everything. so well, let me start with er, thursday? yeeeah. il start with thursday. it might be a long post, so be warned!

thursday, went to school as per normal but had my mind made up about something. yes, i did my part. but during p.e. i opt to sit out cause my leg was still aching so i was excused. then after school, went hall to listen to the lower sec and some upper sec. and i scream at them with my already 'soft' voice. at last they shouted. then helped with the hopeless thing with turned a little hopeful. was a little pissed but then just chill.

friday, sports day. met fatin earlier, helped out, got ready then practice. the practice was ohkay but not the full run through cause we were lacking of manpower. had cheerleading then taught them the new cheer that will be judged. lead them in the cheering competition but the shoutings were not as awesome cause we were not loud and they just refuse to open their mouth. got third for cheerleading which was not so great. but lucky us, we won first for overall. thank god for that. and then went to eat. kay i didnt eat, i watched people eat then off to cip then finally eat. after finished, i head home with a heavy heart. only some people know why.
and ohh, it was someone's birthday. sent the mail to that person and i receive a respond which was quite shocking to me. all this while i thought otherwise but i was wrong. i was damn shocked and it was so dumb of me to think that way. kakAtiqah knows what exactly(:

saturday, i nearly forgot about the earth hour. so i got ready in the morning so i wont rush later on in the afternoon. so off to school, did the necessary things then home at night. it was a blast ohkay. but some things happened. so Volcano1, cheer up. you still got me by your side. just let them be alright? smile ohkay? you still have other people by your side so cheer up okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay? love you darl. and where's the lava? too small. haha!

sunday, went to religious school. but sadly for us, we got separated. they each went to the respective all boys and all girls class. during the things we did in class, i was having gastrics. but lucky me, we head to sister's house to help out. and i went to buy food and eat! like yes uhh. haha. home soon after. and i thought i could meet my little darlings but they werent there. i miss them. my annoying yet adorable sweethearts. i miss my niece the most of all three. haih.

monday, go school. then go to pasir ris for cip then back to school for choir. home and i knock myself out. all this happened cause i ate medicine early in the morning. clever huh? but then i tried my very best to stay awake all the way during school and the cip and choir. when i got home, i slept almost all the way till today morning. i woke up also cause i ate my medicine again. thats why i couldnt wake up.

anws, i really cannot wait for this friday! its my bunnaya camp appreciation day. and we're suppose to make cards for the personnels, mentors and advisors if we want to. also we were not told where the place is so its like a mini surprise for us. but ive no idea what to wear there since our theme is jungle bungle. such sadness. well, i will try to upload the pictures and videos of sports day and all. ohh well, till then. buhbye!

boohoo):

2010-03-25T21:21:00.002+08:00
previous post removed. wrote that out of anger. sorry! and well, i will be back with videos and photos. most of them will be uploaded at facebook. so yeeah. well, i want to sleep. ate my meds already. and its a few more hours to (thing here). how awesome is that? im going to sleep now. the medicines are really making me sleepy. plus the tiredness is just getting to me already. so buhbye. till here then. wait for my next update alright?

frustration only you can cure.

2010-03-24T20:53:00.004+08:00
im pissed to the max. its so nonsensical! no logic to it. if you people had been practicing and putting in lots of effort i think by now you just need to do the little tiny bits and then you're done. but from what i observed, kirim salam to 1st place sudah. even the first two things that we could easily attain points we lost. and we lost to VICTORS! what's this? no offence to anyone who's victors but since when does achievers lose to them? since when do we fail. gosh, if by tomorrow they never buck up on the practice god knows what will happen. and its not just the people. its the (insert people names here). like really. its frustrating and it never fail to piss me off. like totally. like hello! ive no freaking voice yet you guys cant listen to simple instructions. im going to do something tomorrow. i have to do it. if not then well, at least i helped where i could.

and something happened today. ugh! so careless of me. im mad at myself. its so irresponsible. not only today. yesterday also. ugh. im being irresponsible now. why? this is irritating and getting on my freaking nerves. how careless? how could it slipped my mind? what on earth was i thinking at that point of time? its just ugh. thank god fatin was there! thank you very very much fatin. yes, i know how you feel. i feel it too but way worst than you think it is. like seriously laa. thankyou for doing me that favour. i love you. thank you very much! sayang kaw despite kaw punye sombong-ness. kay, joking. aku tawu kaw busy.

and to dayya, stay strong. i get you. but chill dayya. im in the same boat as you. so please dayya, be strong and stay happy. and yes you can be strong. you already are strong now. i see the change. but dayya some things are better told off then you keep it to yourself. so differenciate that and do what you should alright?

and kakAtiqah, had a great time talking to you yesterday. all of a sudden, i feel brighter. thank you so very much kakak! love you loads. thanks for giving me advice. you're the most awesome sister anyone could have. thankyou! see you soon?

maybe im sick cause ive been missing you.

2010-03-23T09:44:00.004+08:00
im down with cough, occasional flu, occasional fever and very bad sore throat. its freaking bad till ive not much voice left. talking has never been a problem and never will be. though i keep using my energy to talk. its tough not having my normal voice. and i keep forgetting to bring my specs. how awesome? and im going to be very busy these week. i mean very. and yesterday was a happy-sad day for me. happy cause azrul gave me chocolates. thankyou very much azrul! also, i saw an old friend of mine in the bus and he remembered me and something else which made me feel very happy. had fun doing my cip with the rest(i lazy type their names). but then the sad thing was i somewhat lost my voice, went for choir but i cant sing. how great? it was my favourite song ohkay. damn sad. then the kid just had to made it worst by pissing me off. at night was tired but i just cant sleep. kept thinking of you and what to do. and today, later int he afternoon going to tamp stadium for trial run, if its not raining. hopefully it doesnt cause im already prepared for it ohkay. and tomorrow is oral. thursday having choir again then friday is sports day then off to cip then home. maybe il spend the saturday il spend it making notes or going to sister house to help out and sunday, religious class. but apart from that, today is the birthdates of two people. faeezah and ferdaus.

faeezah, happy 16th birthday girl. study hard in class. min sang might not be sitting next to you but that doesnt mean he cant teach you anymore right? and think ahead. malay o's are nearing so be preapred. do the best you can. and get ready for what life has to offer(:

ferdaus, happy 17th birthday babe! (merah for F.Cats) firstly, last long ngan dier kayy? apape kaw maseh ade aku. haha. aku akan sayang kaw no matter what. all the best for your poly and your future endeavours(?) darl. thanks for being there for me and thankyou for being such a nice friend. thanks for cheering me up when im down. you're my source of laughter babe. walaupon kaw irritating gle nak mampos aku tetap akan sayang kaw. and aku slalu layan kaw peh nonsense but sometimes tak tahan. and sorry for hitting you for fun or cause of a particular reason you know of. thanks for everything babe. and most importantly have fun today with your loved ones. see you on sunday.
p.s. tak sangke kaw bole bangon cepat. haha!

and as of now, im still hurt and i cant stop the pain. its too much for me to take. maybe that's why im sick? ugh. ive no idea. and three more days. yes, i remembered your birthday. but ive no idea what to do/say/react. im really lost. i know you're upset right now cause of the thing-you'd-be-having-soon. but idk what to do. its cause of what you told me the other time. i still remember it vividly. yes, very clearly i remember it. lucky me, i'd be busy that day. what a plus side to that. ugh. maybe its good that i keep myself busy that day. and i hate not having my normal voice): i cant sing any song. so if you see me and i seem to ignore you or whatsoever, it means im conserving my voice. but if i do, then good for you? gosh, i didnt know im going to have quite a lengthy post. well, since im very busy this week its worth the long post right?

wandy, go make FB account again. tu laaa, who ask you to delete? anws, il try to mail you when i can alright? for now, study hard. well, i know you are. but im not. not motivated. not yet maybe?

last time i saw you.

2010-03-21T14:18:00.004+08:00
today marks a month since we last met. yeeah, i know it falls on the same day as the previous month. freaky but whatever. and im glad i could go out today. but with my brother of course. and well, he treated me. that made me feel a whole lot better. at the library, memories came filling my mind. i nearly broke down there but i didnt. i held back my tears. i just couldnt afford to cry there. so i just moved away from the places with our memories. it hurts but i'd rather leave it there then cry out of a sudden. so yeeah. i miss you badly still. im waiting for time to pass. maybe in time we come across each other's path? im not sure but whatever. i miss you. but do you? im not sure. i want to forget you now. make it easier for me please. help me now will you?

confused-hurt-annoyed.

2010-03-18T16:28:00.004+08:00
sitting around by myself, being on my own is just not the best thing for me right now. its just not right. it makes me wonder about you. it makes me feel so, .. idk. i cant even find words to describe it. im just lost without you. im struggling even though i seem fine. its just too painful. its breaking. its something i cant figure out. i cant seem to find any solution for it. so how? what am i to do right now? its too much for me to bear. too much for me to handle. too much for me to take in. its just too much. its unfair. maybe its not a big deal for you. but its such a big deal for me. its too much! too much. its been near a month now. yes, i counted. i remembered. everything is still fresh though i try my very best to keep those thoughts out of my mind. but it just comes. yes. it just pops every now and then. especially when im alone. that's when its the worst. but at times things just remind me of you. phrases, situations, actions, typos. all sort of stuffs. why does it has to happen? tell me why did it have to be this way? cant it be any better? i miss you. i miss you so terribly. maybe that is why ive not been myself lately. but i dnt want to put the blame on you. that will only make things worst than it already is. ugh, i hate it when situations are like this. it makes me feel very guilty.

and for that certain someone. i dnt think you even bother to drop by here anymore. with you being very busy with your schoolwork as well as your competitions. and what happened between us? i guess its a no. and you may think i forgot what you want to be. what your goal is. and everything that is related to the friendship. well, im sad to say that i still remember everything clearly. i still remember how we met. the day we became friends. the quarrels we had. the problems we had. everything. yes, all of it. its still fresh. now, its a week to your birthday. i remember that. but i have no idea what to do. im not sure if you want to ever hear from me. last time i check, you hate(or dislike, im not sure) me for what i did. so im clueless.

and reality check, ive not done any homework at all. ive not completed what i want to edit in my task analysis. im way behind time. im not sure if i can go for tomorrow's outing though i want to. and i absolutely hate myself for putting myself in this position. also, im sick plus having muscle pain. and that girl pissed me off a whole lot today, i lost my patience with her and even the 'same-type-as-her-girl' is pissed with her. so how awesome is that? soon it'll be a war in that room itself with the anger we have bottled up. and the preparations of o's are not done yet, not even started. so tell me how do i get you out of my mind so i can concentrate on my studies? ugh! hate you. hate you. hate you. hate you. hate you for being on my mind constantly and now i cant get you out of my mind and im going crazy. the state im in right now? its just i dnt think any of you will ever understand what im going through now. nobody will i tell you. NONE. the end. be mad at me if you want but that doesnt change the fact that you're on my mind. so tell me what should i do now. im totally pissed. and almost every little thing piss me off now. yes, almost the smallest detail piss me. its that bad. on a lighter note, i have more awesome people to chat with now that the camp is over cause everyone is adding everyone else which means, ive more people to make me feel happy but they wnt make me as happy as you make me feel.

sorry for the very dramatic post. im just not in the brightest mood this week. i even somewhat scolded the kids. actually i shouted at them to sit properly and listen to instructions. no wait, i just shouted the group name and make them listen. i was that pissed. i shouldnt have done that to the kids. im such a bad person. but at least people could see that if i want to be nice, i can be and i can takecare of the kids. woohoo. plus point for me(:

falling sick?

2010-03-16T14:58:00.004+08:00
sometimes things have to happen and you get hurt. but learning how to live with it and put it aside is the right thing to do. but saying/typing it is very easy. but can i do this? am i able to make it happen? i really dont get it. i feel like giving in. i feel like giving up. but people are pushing me, pushing me towards a place im unsure of. im confused. i do not know anymore. i lost my strength somehow. i miss you very very badly. god knows how badly i miss you. tell me why did this had to happen? gosh, i wonder how im going to cope with it. im wondering how you're coping.

now im getting sick. my body is aching. im having sore throats. and ive no bloody appetite to eat. if i were to eat, i just need a little and im full. sometimes i drink a little and im bloated. i have no freaking idea whats happening to me. ugh. i need to recover from this quick. like now. if possible. and i really think im getting sick. and my hand is aching like nobody's business. its like its dislocated but its not. idk laaa. but what i know is that its very very pain.

and kakAtiqah, bile nak meet? i miss you very very much laaa. i need you. but then i cant contact you. how? i miss you badly sey. hope we can meet up soon. i need you and miss very very much laaa.

and wandy, tagboard hilang kemane?

the pain is getting too much.

2010-03-15T15:59:00.006+08:00

i look diffirent in all three photos right? do i or do i not? and msn is getting a little irritating. with viruses and everything. gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. i hate it mann.
camp run through. 06/03/10
home without specs.
with specs.

its been almost a week since i last blogged. im still shagged. still very tired. but i miss blogging. futhermore, this is for someone i miss. somehow. so i shall give very brief details about the days after i update. well, wednesday-friday had activities related to the o's/life skills and time management. sat-sun, camp. and today. but be warned, its wordy.

wednesday, was the start of the motivational 'camp' for all of us who's taking o's. its a day camp. first day got games and everyone was wet. and our class proof that girls are better than guys! we're the best alright. when we work together despite the differences we have, we can always beat the guys or in fact, anyone. because teamwork, coordination and putting aside differences is very tips that can be applied to life itself.

thursday we did some stuff about time management. after that went home and got ready to go to religious school to get our stuff ready. so i did the flag a little bit more and attached it to the pole, help some people also, people were being helpful and caring. had a little catchup session with nasierah. then homed.

friday, had the talk about life skills and went home. slept for a while. did some work then help here and there, check the comp for info for camp, pack and im done. slept by 11 plus close to 12?

saturday.
- woke up late, got ready then went there being late as a faci but on time as a personnel. then we sister facis were the last badge of people to leave.
- head there at around 8.45, reached the place at 9.30?
- had breifing by the capts, and ustazah about the kids.
- did tent halfway.
- welcomed the kids, got the stuff ready for them, arrange them.
- got them warmed up.
- introduced ourselves and the kids did the same.
- played more games, teach cheers.
- even more games.
- got the kids to sleep, slept at about 4?

sunday.
- woke up at at 5 and bathed(yes, i bathed once only so shut up).
- packed then took care of the kids.
- took their breakfast attend to a kid then entertain them. follow them while doing the morning stretches and their game.
- took food in the rain, helped cover the kids with the tent canvas. so i was soaking wet. and something else happened. bangkit made me imam. grrrrrrrrrrrrr. but i took it on anws.
- went back to mosque, changed into new clothes, took pictures, send them off.
- clear more things then homed. was suppose to go dinner with the other faci-s cause i barely ate anything but couldnt. was pissed but went home anws.
- unpack my things then slept.

monday.
- woke up at 7plus close to 8 panicking thinking i was late for choir.
- went out of my house at 9 and reached within 10-15 mins.
- had choir and we were done so fast we slacked all the way till 12 plus. we were done before 10.
- home, slept, FB-ed, read book then now blog. so that's about it.

having history remedial tomorrow. at 9. and i should be photocopying something right now. but heck. and ive been the one at camp shouting here and there but my dad is the one who lost his voice. get well soon.

and to that person, if you manage to read this then takecare of yourself. ive always been missing you. counting down to the days. remembering the memories. trying to takecare of myself. thinking of you. thinking of your health. thinking how well you are coping. thinking of your words. thinking of the advice. you are on my mind constantly. and now, its very very hard. im aching, im hurt so deep i feel so weak i just dont want to stand anymore. ive not much motivation now. idk what else to do. i miss you so very much. i really dont know. im clueless. im lost. im weak. im almost nothing without you. all the strength i have is because i know you would be sad and disappointed in me if i fall and never want to stand. you'd be angry if i didnt want to try but you would encourage me cause you care. you still do. i guess? i miss you but we have to deal with it. im not going to give up. im doing all this cause i know you still care and you want the best for me. thankyou. and dont worry about me. i'd be alright somehow. missing you terribly.

freaking stressed now.

2010-03-09T09:51:00.002+08:00
busy busy busy. with such little time left for preparation, im getting very stressed up. with o's preparation. with the camp. but this is a test, i must get through this. its a must for me to be doing so. i should be strong to overcome the challenges. like a sentence from the quran. with every hardship, there will be a time you win. in other words, even though you suffer the pain, the stress, the hardship, things will be great eventually. so im hoping for he best for this camp. personels, lets make this work alright? insyaallah our prayers that night would be heard. hope the camp would be a success. amin. and facis, we have to word hard. we have very little time left. four more days to go. so please work hard and make sure we have done our part. the important thing is that we do our part to make is go smoothly as planned. if there are some cock ups then we will face it together. its hard for most of us. the last i heard, two people quit cause they cant handle the stress. so lets make it work to the best we can alright? especially the facis. especially especially to my team, even though our ideas were taken, rejected and then approved, we shall make it work right? lets be the best among the best and lets help those who need our help.

and now, regarding school? the pressure is really on me already. the lunchtime concert, the juniors attitude towards the seniors. the bloody unnecessary comments. the annoying people. but im sure going to miss laughing and making jokes with my very very cute and adorable sec3 juniors. mainly i will miss syafiqah and arini. i will also miss my chocolate bar and candy floss. my very annoying, funny but lame juniors. haha. kay, im so very sad to be leaving but glad. i think all the sec4s and sec5s feel the same way as me. tsk. but what to do? its the way things were meant to be. so face it people. its meant to be that way so be it. we just have to live through it. i really need to be helping syafiqah before i go. i have to make sure of some things are alright first before i leave. she is somehow my responsibility even though she isnt. since im the oldest among the three and im the only other one who really understands whats going on.

and my life right now? ive no words to describe it. im speechless at times. at times i just want to give up on stuff. but i know i should not give up. people taught me to be optimist for a reason. and im not going to waste their efforts as well as their time. sometimes i miss people. sometimes i feel im at a lost. but what can i really do but accept the fact? accept everything face front. most of the times now i feel regret, i feel remorse, i feel at a loss. you people dont have to know why. im starting to get really pissed with some stuffs. im mad at myself. i have no more words to say. but i have a a new prinsip for myself. so great. but whatever laa kan? as if people want to know.

and wandy, can you just mail me. idk if you still using that mail of yours. if so can you state it at my tagboard? thanks. sorry to keep you waiting for a text from me. but im guessing im not getting my phone anytime now. cause im guessing my sim expired already. which probably means my phone is of no use right now cause i forgot my security code. how awesome is that? very right? i know.

for kakAtiqah, i will try to tell you everything when i have the time to mail you kay? i miss you so very much. hope we somehow bump into each other then can hug you. i wonder if you grew any taller. if so then i have to jingkit even more than i already am. haha. love you loads laaaaa. *KISS AND HUGS TIGHLTY*while crying.

that is all for now. buhbye.

draggy, bored, dry.

2010-03-06T18:34:00.003+08:00
i feeling so drop dead tired right now. very mendak kay the camp run-through. why so? cause we all lost energy along the way plus we're not involved much. like what the crap. and we're lagging behind time. like so very much. and well, i will try to upload photos as well as videos of the anugerah damai either here or at facebook. and now, i can say im doing a little better. and a little worst due to some stuffs. fatin really knows why. kan fatin kan? so the what the crap. but whatever lah kan? take it as it is. right fatin? kite kan sape. but well, i feel so freaking bored that i can sleep. but im staying awake by trying all type of things. like talking to the boys. but now, im at the other corner, far away from them. and my tests? the results were very sucky. i mean sucky. i manage to pass physics and math. chem was a failure and english? english was the worst ohkay. but mdm haryani said it was natural for everyone to fail the first term cause of the change of how they mark. they were marking strictly like how the cambridge will. so yeeeah.

sometimes things just dont happen the way you want them to right? i will take it, take it and make sure i do the right things about it. as in make the right decisions. now, i already made some. though i dont make it obvious. some things were meant t be the way its meant to be. gosh, i miss some stuffs/people/things but what to do? life goes on no matter what. alot of things will be happening/has happened this month. especially about birthdays. i remember some people/stuffs/words. so in simple, i remember things that i really dont want to share. and i think nobody really drops by this blog anymore.

well, in case wandy still does. here's a note for you. if you do well then good for you. im glad for you. at least you have your goals to reach to. i salute you. but let me remind you, i would not agree to those stuff that really dont make sense. like you know what. i know you understand what i mean. tak tawu, tanye. you can mail me also. and, what happened to your tagboard?

and asyura, thanks for offering your help. but you kan busy, i dont want disturb you. and, i miss you so very much. dah tiga tahun sey tak jumpe. i rindu you like aloooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooot! kay, fake not like but am/is. if you free one day, drop by choir kay? days are the same. in case you forgot, its on mondays and thursdays.

well, i guess that is all for now. this is just a very-mendak-at-the-moment post. so its a little draggy and dry. how im feeling right now. im also having a very bad headache thanks to the continuous usage of the specs. im so not used to the specs. im already very dependant on it. crap much. need to live a healthier life right now. tsk. so many things to do but so little ways of doing it. doesnt really make sense but whatever alright. buhbyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. i want to go sleep. knock myself out. that was fake. im done. chao. takecare alright.

let me fade into the darkness.

2010-03-02T10:20:00.002+08:00

i think i shall let my blog rot for a while. been down lately. but at times im quite high. most of the times i have something else on my mind. dont ask what. i wont bother telling or saying anything unless i cannot take it anymore. i have no idea what to say or do anymore. so yeeeah. all the best to me with this life of mine. i guess that is all for now. the rotting shall start from now.
i do not know what to do anymore. its hurting but what can i do?

tests; this week.

2010-02-26T14:32:00.005+08:00
i easily lost 11 marks for my math paper. and social studies? i only manage to write one pathetic paragraph for the freaking essay. how awesome? i studied for it but i didnt had the time to complete it. wasted much. if the 10 mins were not taken from everyone then we could all finish the paper. i estimated the time i needed. the teacher said we had an hour mind you. at last say only 50 mins. and there was only 5 more minutes left. and i manage to write a paragraph, im dead for the essay. hope i do well for history so i dont fail humanities yet again. cannot afford to fail anymore. and i really hope my source based questions are alright and it would be enough for me to pass the paper. i lost like 8 marks cause of the essay. crap load laaa. i hate being given false hope. i need that extra 10 minutes to finish the essay. ugh. but whats done is done. i better start studying well since we already got a rough idea when our papers are. the first paper is in may! that is in 3 months time. time is precious, clock is ticking, minds are drifting, test are killing! that was nonsense.

and i love yesterday's history second relief lesson. mira was laughing like nobody's business. mira, kite dah pandai cakap russian ehh? haha.
and congratulations to me, im the emcee for anugerah damai. thanks to the teachers. at first they wanted me to join cause cikgu nor is my choir teacher and she said,'syadah, awak choir kan, tak masok ke(syadah, you in choir right, you never join)?'. i said no and then cikgu sahira said,' ohh, awak choir, join laa. awak sop1, sop2 ke alto?(you choir then join uhh. you sop1, sop2, or alto).' i said im in sop1. she say,'okay pe. masok laa.' then i denied im in choir. and they both said to those sitting at the front to make sure i join-.-' later cikgu nor said that they needed an emcee and she wants omar to be the emcee. after which she looked at me and ask me to be the emcee-.-" she said i join and be the emcee but change their mind to making me the emcee. how great? but at least i dont have to see the-girl-who-makes-people-want-to-suicide. so maybe i should take that positively now. haha.

well, enough about yesterday. i missed alot of people's birthday. how awesome am i? tsk, so people, sorry for the belated wishes alright?

(20/02) happy belated 16th birthday ashari.
thankyou for being there for me. thanks for being a great friend who is there to cheer me up when im down, to make me hyper when im happy and to make me go crazy when im already hyper. but well, i guess thats what true friends are for right? thanks loads. take care of yourself. study hard for o's kay? malay kene score!

(22/02) happy belated do-not-want-to-expose-age birthday kakLin.
a year older but want to be young still. haha. dah tue pon kate mude. haha. niy ke namenye jiwe mude ke? haha. love you many many laaa. andand, the food made me bloated. i think almost everyone felt the same. haha. tapi yang paling best hammada. dah balik pon tanye pasal ketam.

(24/02) happy belated 17th birthday to a friend.(?)
all the best with your school work. remember your promises alright? keep to it. go for your goals and reach for your dreams. do the best in everything you do. make the right choices for everything. and hold on to your principles or make it better.

well, that is all for now. going to do my coursework again. buhbyeeeeeeeee people. i guess i will update when i can. well, almost everyone update when they can. im off to do my work. and this is freaking random, im craving for cadburry hazelnuts.

freezing ice!

2010-02-23T09:49:00.003+08:00
in the comp lab right now, doing coursework. am freezing in here. im not the only one mind you. even wobble cloud hands are like ice. seriously laaa. and im not feeling that well either. having test tomorrow. crap much. need to study! need to pass. i want my grades to improve. i hope it will. kay, gtg. bye!

and happy advance 17th birthday to someone.(24/02)

going to get busy.

2010-02-20T10:25:00.002+08:00
blog will be left dead due to upcoming tests this coming week. also ive not done my research and development of 20 pages that is due this freaking friday. cant they set a later dateline? who needs a month to make a decision sey? two or three weeks is more than enough. i need extra time. even yimei, the clever girl is not even halfway done. and my group still havent come up with another group name but then we received another mail about the group name and right now, im damn confused. ustazah is so fickle minded. but i cant blame her. if she feels its not right then we have to come up with something better. thing is, ive no freaking idea what to do or how to react to this all. such a hectic thing. with some other things happening, im always rushing nowadays. everyday i will be dead tired that i dont bother doing my homework for sleep and when i have to wake up, i simply ignore for the first two times but eventually wake up. my body isnt used to sleeping late anymore. this means ive to start managing my time well. and i need the holiday to get started on revising and doing notes! holiday, come quick please. and im going to need specs. went to the optometrist yesterday. my degrees isnt that high. which means i should start eating right and do the things that would not hurt my eyes and stop the bad habit or lying down to read. i guess that is how i got bad eyesight now. gosh i feel so damn .. frustrated, annoyed and freaking idk what. kay, thats all. want to go get ready my tuition stuffs and well, do some notes. haha. kay bye, will update when i can. maybe not till next week? gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. kay bye!

think what you want, say what you feel, hide the hurting-anger-upsetness.

2010-02-18T22:32:00.006+08:00
sometimes you just have to face things the way its meant to be. you tend to hide things from people but how long can you keep it to yourself? at times you feel like you can control your emotions, you think you can keep it locked away from everything else but little did you know you were wrong, very wrong. sometimes you see things the way you want it to be but you never thought of it the way it should be. trust me, there is a difference between a want and a should, a big difference i must say. at times, all you want is to be alone but in actual fact, you need somebody there for you so you can express yourself. but when you have someone next to you for you to share everything you hide, you tend to keep it to yourself. and at other times, you hide because you do not want to be known. you do not want to be part of something but you already are. no matter what. some things opposes your thoughts while some synchronize with your thoughts. but in reality, nobody can really get what they want. instead, they get some things that are worst while some, better. so face it, most of the things that happen will never happen the way you want it to be but it happens the way it should. you should never expect things to go smooth without you doing anything to ensure it is smooth. you have to take the initiative to do something or take the initiative make things work. who knows that maybe what you want will be what you get only better? to ensure smooth sailing, you must be ready for anything, you must be prepared for the worst and you must know how to turn the worst for the better. all of these are things that you should know when you are leading a life. gosh i hate myself right now. dont ask why. you dont need to know anything ohkay? still not in a good mood so shut the hell up and dont disturb me. i swear that you will regret doing what you did. but its too late for regrets right? whatever. really have no mood for anything much now. nights. buhbye. im going to be a jerk right now. but whattheheck.
sorry for the very confusing post. im just stating what i feel. im having a very mixed emotions right now. so i know i should go sleep at this very moment. kay buhbye people.

suckish mood.

2010-02-17T16:43:00.004+08:00
im not in a great mood. loads of test coming up. starting from tomorrow. i have test almost everyday of next week. how wonderful. tomorrow having chemistry and maybe malay paper 2 while im having f&n test on firday about proteins and egg. how marvellous. ive not even studied for any of it. congratulations to me. im going to do badly if i dont start studying. and i feel like escaping from all these again. but ive to face it cause this is life. and in life not everything you want goes the way you want it to. thats what ive learnt. but ugh! forget it. i will keep everything to myself yet again without letting anyone know anything anymore. cause right now, i feel like being by myself. yes, i want to be by myself. say what you want to say. i dont care anymore. ive done my part. im tired of everything. im slowly losing strength, im losing energy, im getting very tired right now. but what can i do? nothing. i cant escape cause if i do, im just making it worst. i guess that is all for now. im really not in any mood. kay bye.

FreakingFunFamilytime.

2010-02-15T19:25:00.008+08:00
hey there. well, i was away for like 2 nights and two days. its weird, i know. so here's the logic. i went out on saturday night(13/02) to go east coast then came back in the afternoon just now(15/02). dont understand, its your problem. anyways, will put it into mostly point form cause im still tired. so yeeah.

so on 13/02,
- we left for east coast around 9.
- put our things aside and help pitch a medium-sized tent.
- went to the rocks with first niece and stargazed for a bit.
- find first niece's friend plus cousins but apparently they got the wrong info about it so we ignored.
- went back to our spot.
- first niece rollerblade-d while i scooter-ed my way to the other end then back.
14/02
- went beach to walk and talk.
- help pitch a big tent at 2plusplus in the morning!
- off to sleep around 3.

14/02.
- woke up around 7.
- stoic for a little while then went to bath.
- got ready for madrasah and off at 9.
- reached at 9.30, joined in the activities.
- did games to ensure we know about it before asking ustazah to watch and approve.
- came up with stupid/funny actions along the way but it was quite fun especially with radin acting like a small kid. and when he explained about the game, he sounded damn funny. like makcik. the joker of the faci-s i must say.
- homed, got some things and off to buy drinks and ice.
- reached close to 3, went swimming at 4.
- swam for about half an hour then the water got really dirty so we(me and first niece) doodled on the sand.
- ate, played with fireworks then bath.
- slack, did nothing, slept early cause i was dead tired plus there was nothing much to do.

15/02
- woke up at random times. eventually woke up at 7.
- went to freshen up, then eat.
- told those who were swimming up cause dad came with food. then first brother came out and he carried me in! i was going to eat mind you. he went near my leg but i thought he was going to sit but then he carried me over his shoulders then throw me in. and i got wet! ugh. i was going to get change soon but my brother threw me in. i scream in a loud continuous manner but i couldnt get myself out of his grip. so i got thrown in. how great! NOT. chased him for revenge.
- resumed eating, changed then swim(started at around 9).
- cousin came and joined in the fun.
- dig a big hole to make a 'bathtub' but failed cause my first nephew destroyed it. wonderful much right? haha. but whatever. we had to bath anyways since it was raining. that was around 2. so i played for 5 hours but i got a little burnt. lucky me! but its pain everytime i want to wipe my face. pain like crap. stupid sunburn.
- bathed, packed stuff, sleep, woke up, homed.

so that is all people. will upload the pictures when im not lazy. haha. had an awesome time there. want more of this. maybe after O's? shall suggest that to sister since she planned this. well, most of the pictures will be in facebook. there was a number of candid shots of me. so unglam. but i dont mind since it was fun and it somehow took my mind of things. and i got sunburn and suntan. my face is red but my hands is a little darker than my already dark skin. anws, pictures are in order, from 13/02/10 night to 14/02 morning, night and 15/02 morning, afternoon. and pictures will cover up what i missed in the points ohkay?

most of the pictures are in facebook. so here goes!

walking at the beach.
digging a whole to be 'buried' in.
buried by sister-in-law, last brother, nieces and first nephew.
look at the black stuffs, its in the water.
this was suppose to be a jumpshot.
random.
muke baru bangon. and i look a little chubby here.
it was damn hot, the sun i mean.
after a whole lot of testing, my third finally could capture it.
before i got thrown in.

BOO!

2010-02-15T18:27:00.002+08:00

will do a proper update after i catch up with my sleep and get some rest! the outing was a blast! explain later. weeeee, off to sleep.

missing; hypocrisy.

2010-02-12T16:47:00.003+08:00
sometimes i just give in. i do most of the sacrificing. so now you treat me like a pump. you use me when you need me. if not, you wont even be looking at it. seriously girl, you've changed a whole freaking lot. i just dont know who are you anymore. i dont understand you at all. have i changed or have you changed? you became a totally different person when you got close to her. maybe im jealous. but what you really are being a hypocrite. you once said something to me about her. but now what? you realise how big a hypocrite you are? if you dont, well let me tell you that you are one big fat hypocrite! what happened to the promises? what happened to our friendship? well, i dont mind you treating me like a pump. cause i will treat you like you dont mean anything. realise how much you have lost? if you dont then i wont bother explaining. im getting even lazy to entertain you. i dont want to waste my energy on you. not worth my time or energy. but lucky you im not that mean to ignore you when you realise i exist.
some people changed drastically till i dont even know them. so i will fade into the darkness where you would never be able to see. cause i am not important to you anymore. im going to leave so you can live your life. goodbye friend. i dont know you and i dont intend to know the new you either.

i wonder if still remember me and the promises you made to me. well i guess its of no use if you remember the promises. you will break it no matter what. you never once stick to the promise you made when you still knew me. sometimes it aches to read those things. to even think of it would already hurt. and i remember something you said but im not sure if you remember since you intend to leave me be. lets just see what happens in the future.

i might be away for the next 2-3 days. going to have family gathering. still unsure of the details. but will find out from sister. its either chalet of overnight(s) by the sea. which obviously is always fun. especially since it was a few years back we went out together. also, lets listen to midnight ghost stories and storytell to scare each other. maybe il go walk and explore the area late at night/early morning to maybe do some things which i missed doing. maybe even walk to the place where we went and then let the memories flood.

stressing tough time!

2010-02-10T16:07:00.005+08:00
god, im already feeling the pressure of studies. as in, im waiting for the holidays to catch up on my work. also i want to start doing notes then re-rearrange my place and my books. i forgot where i put my stuff. clever much? im not sure.

and i seriously cant wait to shut you up, little girl. i think most people know who im referring to. cause if she does not listen to the seniors or the committee or even the instructor, then i dont care if she complains to the teacher. i dont mind at all. im not scared cause im not in the wrong. firstly, she went against one of the new rules for both schhol as well as (some society(?)). next, we're not in the wrong. we told you a couple of times already. so dont blame anyone of us seniors for the demerit points you get alright little girl? and please, dont think you can do everything. cause there are some things that you wont be able to do. so please, stop it ohkay little girl. you're a new comer, respect those who are older. please and thankyou. and to endure you? i can, insyaallah. but if you go over the line then i will do something about it. maybe the rest of the seniors do not say anything because they know you will complain. but face it little girl, the teachers arent that free to keep entertaining you. just because you are rich you think it can bribe these teachers? and if other teachers/classmates/schoolmates complain then its time the teachers question you. and you got transferred here, so abide the rules.

well, im already having pressure about my coursework. can die ohkay. they expect us to do like 20 pages maximum in roughly a month with only two lessons per week and about 3 hours in total? also with the available distractions of other subjects? how am i/we going to be able to finish the coursework? i wonder. but i guess this is a way to learn how to cope with alot of things at one go. also with the religious school camp coming up and the faci-s are way behind time, it makes me even stressed. but i guess that i should be getting myself mentally prepared for anyth. and with another rejected group name, it really is killing me. now i really have to buck up even more. do more for the tests. its all up to me. its all up to my efforts right now. crap it. i really cant wait for this weekend to chill. if my sister book a chalet then i can at least get some things off my mind. well, what to do? its my fault afterall. im facing it. and i think il request for a change of seats. thanks to my spoiled eyes. i absolutely hate it cause never once has it been spoiled. now its spoiled):

the term would end soon enough. in about a month? im not sure. and the cip is actually kindof killing me also. and there is this fact that is somehow killing me as well. it just never fail to spoil my mood. seriously. damn. il try my very best to be able to go. i want to be there cause its fun, im the one who is daring enough and know the right way to do it so i can show the rest as well as i need one more event to be able to get a point. what crappiness. but whatever. have to put that aside first. there are loads of things that i should do right now. like do my freaking coursework. edit my TA once again. and do more experiments as well as research on snacks. i have to cook 6 dishes minimum and 7 dishes maximum. its not much of a difference. but i really want to score for it. ugh. how not so great. but if its for the best then i shouldnt give up right? well, i should go. have to get ready for tuition soon.

and i have no freaking idea why i kept thinking that yesterday was today and today was the day after yesterday. dont understand? haha. its cause im feeling very weird. maybe its cause my watch broke? in simple terms, i thought yesterday was wednesday and today was thursday when in fact thursday is tomorrow. i guess im totally not myself now.
somehow, i miss you but i know i shouldnt. idk why but i do. i myself have no answer to it. at times i think of the times we had, times we met.
that is all, buhbye. takecare people!

foul mood.

2010-02-07T17:54:00.002+08:00
if i seem to treat you in a different way then sorry. im just not in the mood anymore. dont question why. ive been in a foul mood since friday? or was it thursday. either one of the days. things just had to get worst. but no matter what ive to be strong. but ive no idea since ive been in this foul mood since thursday. irritated much.

&today, we got the list of stuffs that we should do for the camp. our group name got rejected twice. crap much. had a little difficulty thinking of a new name. but thanks to shirin's great mind, we finally got a new name. hope it'll be alright. if shirin didnt think of another name that quick with the description, ive no idea what name the mentors would give us. but thank god we could decide. lucky us. and i think im suppose to send the new description. its overdued! im going to be get alot of scoldings. well. i think i should go do it. but im seriously lazy plus not in the mood. i hate being in a foul mood. it always make me feel lazy plus ignorant of things. i also am not able to think fast. like for the name, i couldnt give any ideas. that how freaking down i was despite me hiding it. i didnt really talk much.

also, i absolutely hate my brother for shooting the NERF bullets at me. two head shot, one arm. crap him. now im having what seems to be an endless headache. thanks to who? thanks to that brother of mine. ugh. job well done for him. being the youngest sometimes suck a whole lot. you get bullied more than you get loved by them. seriously laa. i get bullied almost all the time. very awesome right?

well, thats all i guess. i want to do my coursework as well as send the overdued mail of mine. pfft. well, i think i do most of the sending mail/telling the upper authority stuffs since both of them are working. but well, at least that's something i do for the group. there are alot more uhh. but im not in the mood. kay bye.

let's drown in the tears ive shed.

2010-02-06T13:44:00.004+08:00
im going to have tuition later. how great? tuition on a saturday. tsk. i so need to buck up even more. but i feel lazy nowadays.

maybe ive lost my energy thanks to (something). its been more than a week now. maybe i know why. but i just cant stop (something). even right now, i feel like (something ). have i lost my strength? have i lost my cover? have i lost hope? have i lost faith? have i lost what i had before? is the lost affecting me so much? what is happening? maybe there is too much lost for me to handle. will i be alright soon? can i do this by myself? can i stop (something)? almost all the things i do reminds me of (you dont need to know). its making things a whole lot more difficult. but ive to face it. ive to be strong. ive no idea how but i will. i should. one way or another. i need to be stronger. it will benefit myself. as well as those around me. but now, leave me alone. i dont want to talk. im going to keep everything to myself. im going to start doing that again. its going to kill me inside but i rather it kill me than some other things. well, maybe not everything.

that is all for now, i want to get myself ready for tuition. might be blogging again later. depends on my mood and how un-lazy i am. buhbye. takecare.

point the gun at my face.

2010-02-05T13:13:00.004+08:00
hey there people! well, in the comp lab just now, i almost cried. cause of two reasons. one of it is cause i cannot find the thumbdrive in the front pocket of my bag. i thought i dropped it when i was taking my tie and other stuffs from my bag. upon reaching home, i asked my mum if anyone used it. then she told me my brother wanted to use it but later he decided not to. so i went to my place, check the box-where he said he place it. but it wasnt there. so after questioning my niece and those at home, i asked my brother. apparently he decided to use it cause he couldnt attach the file to the mail. the only thing im worried right now is that he misplace it. he has the tendency to misplace stuffs. while the other reason shall remain unknown.

and just now, had health check-up. my right eye got problem. this is the first time the letters were blur. i even said z as n. ugh, annoying much. waiting for the letter so i can head to the optometrist asap. aiyun kept disturbing me. while waiting for our turn, apparently we were the last few, we talked. about what? secret. its a me-aiyun-know kind of thing. haha. so long never talk to that girl.

and, my body is aching thanks to yesterday's p.e. lesson. went gym and was instructed to try everything there. the effect is terrible. my shoulders are aching. my diaphragm is harder than it should be. and i think ive gained more weight. maybe ive finally reach 40kg already. hoho. like finally. should check it the next time i go gym for p.e.

and and and! i miss NURUL ATIQAH BTE ABDUL RAZAK!i wonder when we can meet. haiyo. school has started for you. i know you can fit yourself in eventually. though i know you will be tired. but well, that's JC right? you tend to get tired. but once you get the momentum, you wont be as tired. love you laa kakak!

kill the lights, hit the street.

2010-02-01T22:36:00.002+08:00
another post. guess im too hyper. but this post would be a little emotional. dnt ask why. but suddenly i feel at a loss. maybe i really am. but to be able to face it, im not sure if i can. cause now, im on my own. literally on my own. though some have offered help. but since im being me, i keep it to myself. its just complicated alright. be in my shoes, you wont be able to survive.

the sentence, the translation ustazah read, and what she said yesterday made me remember some things ive kept away. also when irwin was doing the takzirah(?) thing and shared his personal experience on life, i paused for a moment. i practically kept quiet and thought. ive notice alot of things. its like the jigsaw puzzle. ive the puzzle, only ive no clue on how to fix it, to make it into a picture. same goes with the things in my life right now. i know some things are trying to somehow/somewhat point me to a direction. only im not sure where or how to get to the place. its complicated. ive lost alot. last month was a struggle. im not sure if its still going to be that way. i hope not. and today, i realised something. maybe HE is trying to help me. maybe HE wants me to find him. because somehow, HE cant get through me. maybe the only way to teach me and to get me back close to HIM is by sending these challenges. and as im typing, im thinking. also im having some thoughts of some other stuff.

i miss you but i cant. i shouldnt, should i? im not sure. you left an impact that i cant erase. its hard to just let it vanish. its so cold when you're not here. but what can i do? its my mistake. im paying for it. if you happen to read this, ive no idea wht you will say. and ive no idea how to react to it. should i be glad you still come by or should i regret that i type this out? im blank. there are temptations to get to you. i can but since you said that word, ive to respect that. ive to respect the decision you made. cause yes, its my fault. why dont just kill me and walk down the street with the bloodstains on an empty road and feel satisfied? should you feel satisfied or should you feel remorse? that i leave up to you. if you think im talking about you then so be it. im very lazy to say anyth else. cause either way it cannot change anyth, can it?

after reading the paragraph above, some will feel hurt while some will laugh. but it depends on how you judge me now. its not my call. its yours. i cannot change your perception now. but its a bad impression you have on me then well i should change that right? you will never know what the future hold. and lately, ive had these dreams. im unsure what they mean. but its horrible. very very horrible. i guess this dream is related to the other dream. maybe. god knows.

dan berikanku kekuatan untuk hadapi segala dugaan yang telah engkau sediakan bagiku. aku akan hadapi semua ini dengan penuh kesabaran dan segala kekuatan yang masih ada. mungkin engkau ingin selamatkanku. mungkin engkau ingin membantuku. aku cuma boleh meneka kerana engkau sahaja yang mempunyai jawapannya. aku baru sedari bahawa selama ini aku telah mengabaikan nasihatmu yang amat terang. aku sedar inilah masa untuk aku berpusing ke arah yang benar. dengan itu, aku minta pertolonganmu. aku minta engkau disisiku dalam segala apa yang aku lakukan. mungkin ini yang terbaik bagi diriku dan juga orang-orang disekelilingku. aku berterima kasih atas peluang yang telah engkau berikan padaku. mungkin ini cara engkau menunjukan bahawa engkau masih sayang padaku. mungkin ini cara engkau menyedarkan diriku. aku amat gembira atas apa yang engkau lakukan. insyaallah, ini yang terbaik dan segala apa yang baik sentiasa datang dari engkau, dan segala yang buruk adalah salah diri sendiri. tiada satu orang pun sempurna dalam dunia ini. aku akan terima segala sesuatu dengan berpegangan dengan segala yang aku tahui. ini berkat belas kasihan engkau.

well, thats all for now. going off to bed soon. and, i miss big family]: wonder when the next gathering will be. when that happens, i guess ive loads of explaining to do. especially to those who were directly involved. going to receive a massive amount of scoldings and advise? not sure. but well, il take it as it is. once again, nights people. takecare. and learn something new everyday. especially if its vital for survival and also if it makes you a better person, why not go the extra mile? if you dont understand then forget it. i lazy explain. and, this is one long post. sorry i didnt warn earlier. didnt think i'd write this much. for the last time for today, nights. have fun, love life(:

lovehate?

2010-02-01T21:51:00.003+08:00
hello people. i finally have time to update properly. so this might be a little wordy. and i love this month. alot of things is going to happen. weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. like, .. not going to tell you. haha. kay, im mean! its practically some people's birthday and some other stuffs that you dont need to know of. haha. yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay to february. especially for some people. but then again, people might forget things. but ohh well. at least i can remind them! haha.
and i love-hate today. the hate part i wont really mention why. but it really but worst. only god and the people who were around would know what i mean. minus newbies. and god, give me the strength to endure this.
well, on a brighter note, today i was so hyper. and almost everyone was such a failure today. so epic. from class to end to the day in school. some were really damn funny. especially since jason is so slow. idk why but he is today. me and kayan were laughing almost all day thanks to his slow-ness. haha. but well, today is great though something spoiled my mood. well, make it somethings. but at least one thing was made up for but the other .. no words. i shall keep it to myself. or tell some about it. almost everyone knows about it already. as in those in that place at that point of time.
today seems like the best day. ive no idea why. maybe cause people were being epic failures or maybe cause some were slow or cause im just too hyper. ive really no idea why im hyper. though i was down/pissed at a particular point of time. and i decided not to let those things affect me so much. thanks to the lessons life has taught me.

and yesterday, something funny happened in madrasah. we were having our discussion. well, not totally discussion but it was also our study time. then i saw this black cockroach. i wanted to tell fer, i went 'ehh' then some of the girls turned and saw the cockroach. they quickly stood and scream. me and fer chill during that time, we sat and waited. the guys were so unmanly. but only a handful came to the rescue and killed the roach. that's not the funny part. those far away who didnt knew why they stood and scream did the exact same thing. all of them ran to one side. something even funny happened when the faci-s played a game. we had to pass the message. i had to start the first time. the end message was totally different. but the guys one even funnier. the initial one was, 'jalan kaki pergi sungai'. translation, walk to the river. the end message was, 'jalan kaki, cross the road to touch the road.' that was not the funny part. the funny part was, i heard the wrong thing and it changed the whole thing. what i changed it into? kekek gle. fer, if you're reading this then shut the hell up. i know you're laughing pasal t-ingat sunday. perangai bata betul. haha. sorry babe, but you still got the bata attitude. haha!

well, thats all. i want sleep. i very tired. i still have yet to ask about something. dayya knows what. but dayya, like i said kalaw its a no go for me then you should go. not for me uhh. but for the team. dont let the team down. also, we cant let the seniors down. so yeeah. wish me luck! nights people! takecare.

shut my mouth, kill the pain.

2010-01-29T16:38:00.003+08:00
its been about a week or so since i last update. but well, ive been quite busy. have to catch up on the lessons. get updates on the topic and also, try my best to do well in all the tests. had quite a number of tests this week. yesterday was the most wonderful day for a test. both humanities test fall on the same day. so very fun right? gahh! so il try as much as possible to update from last week alright?

saturday, stayed at home and started on coursework. did a bit then i forgot what else i did for the day.

sunday, went for madrasah. finally get to see fer darl. missed out on the games due to some reasons. then joined in again. and i lost a book. damn. ive no idea where to start looking for it. my brother claims he didnt use it. im stil wondering where to find it. came home, did coursework again, homework and i forgot what. haha.

monday, went school. had cca, home. forgot what else.

tuesday, had school, homed. forgot what else.

wednesday, had school, homed. tuition.

thursday,had school, cca then homed.

friday, scool, home tuiton.

today, nothing much, slept till late morning. was dead tired that after i wake up, i slept again till 2 plus. then read book. no life right? i know. ive been taking things quite slow now. but hey, i need a break. so this is what i think tomorrow is going to be like.

tomorrow, go madrasah, home then do homework then sleep early so i wnt be tired for school.

and ive still yet to do some things. and im off to sleep. have to wake up early tomorrow. plus i still feel tired. ive no freaking idea why. too much sleep i guess? will try to update properly next time. buhbye.

i ought to be doing this(apologising) earlier.

2010-01-22T16:25:00.003+08:00
heyy, its been quite a while since i last updated. well, that's cause ive been busy. i intend to do my coursework now. but well, as usual, i get distracted. and this? this is just a random update. hope some people are reading this. you should either check your mail, or will receive a pop-up when you sign in to msn. in case you dont then well, il write whatever i want here alright? there is alot that ive to write. so be warned that it might be a long post. dont say i didnt say earlier cause i already did.

FERRRRRY-ku! babe, what are we suppose to do for last sunday uhh? as in what should be done? what did i miss? what should be done for the previous lesson? i know must do cheers and make up some games for intervals. i want to know what korang dah buat. so keep me updated, this sunday i should be coming. just wait for my return alright? and you cheer up kayy? aku tawu kaw rindu aku tu pasal sad. haha. but serious uhh babe, cheer up. you dont want me sad either right? so please turn that frown upside down. and that sortof rhymes. kay, jakun -.- so apape mail me, DONT text. phone takde ngan aku so that will explain why i never reply to text or calls cannot get through. so yeeah. mail ohkay babe? asap.

a used-to-be-friend. yes, you used to be a friend. but that is in your eyes. you probably do not want to do anything with me due to my actions. but hey, im facing the consequences already. so give me a break please. thanks for helping out with everything. sorry to worry you, sorry to trouble you. i know what i did, 'menyusahkan orang'. when you meant orang, it specifically meant you and a few others right? i know, and im sorry. im sincerely sorry for troubling you. a week has past since that incident. but on the positive side of doing a negative thing, i learnt/noticed/understand/realise alot of things now. you will know what i meant if you care to read your mail. no, not your mail but the one mail i sent you. all im asking right now is to read the mail. if you deleted, you go to the deleted folder to read it. please? all i want from you is to spend a few minutes to read the mail. please and thankyou.

bestfriend(?). maybe you hate me already for what happened that time. maybe you're trying your best to stay away from me. before you go what-so-ever, im thankful for what you did. im really sorry for dragging you into this when you could avoid this all. sorry for getting you into trouble for this, im really sorry. from the bottom of my heart, i would like to apologise for what i got you into. sorry, really really very sorry.

to those people who has helped, mainly Aslam, Aidil, Kakatiqah, Dayya, Mira, Saiba, Yana and others who know who you are, thankyou very much for helping me and advising me. sorry if you're hurt if i seem to not listen to you/your advise. yes, im stubborn. but im going to change. trust me when i say that. cause i will change. im going to change. i will promise you that. especially Aslam and kakAtiqah, i wont do it again ohkay? i promise. i promise i wont do it. Aslam see you tomorrow? kakAtiqah see you on monday along with the notes? again, thankyou all that has helped and cared alot for me. i dont know how to repay your kindness. thankyou very very much. sorry for troubling you people. truly am. now, i wont disappoint you people. il try my best not to.

as of now, im facing everything by myself. want it or not, its all up to me. its all my efforts right now. there is no more time/space for fooling around. this is its my game now. ive to play well. play well for my studies. cause challenges were thrown to me. since they're challenges, im more than willing to go for the challenge. cause why? im always up for challenges. im willing to prove people wrong. to prove that i can be better than you think i am. its only a matter or my efforts. its a matter of how good i handle things. so yeeah. im suppose to go catch up on my studies right now. absent for two days and im missing alot. gosh, i cannot afford to lose any lessons. maybe il ask me tuition teacher to teach me my history. or maybe teach me what i should study for this year's 'O' level history. i really have no idea what i should do. and i should be doing more notes. maybe during the holidays. ive no time to waste. time is so precious now. the 'O's are getting faster now. like seriously laa. crap much. now must start studying. and start doing notes. and start asking questions about whatever things im unsure or dont know of. so i think i need kakAtiqah's help alot. so i guess that is all for now? buhbye people. takecare. and love your life. cause ive learnt to love mine(:

facing it.

2010-01-19T11:45:00.003+08:00
i looked for this, i asked for this. now ive to face it with every strength i have. i have no idea where i will get strength from. but now, im on my own. cause this is what i wanted. this is the consequence for my action. ive learn some things. things that i can never get to know by myself. people had made me realise. not just any people. but my family. ive finally understand the meaning of family, the meaning of life. what some said, life is difficult, life is like a game. while playing the game called life i was too engrossed with one thing and not understanding what was asked. not understanding what was required of me. but now, it has become crystal clear. things that is unknown is now known to me.
to those who knew what happened, i sincerely apologise for bringing you into this. im really sorry for making you worried. im sorry for not listening to you people about this. im really very sorry for being such an idiot for doing this, for dragging you into this mess. i myself have to face it now. sorry people. really truly sorry. im paying for the consequence of my actions. i appreciate your efforts for everything. im really sorry what ive done. i know it was not the right thing to do. i know. i realised. i will be a new person now. i will change. change for the better. change for my family. change for those who care alot for me. change to be that person i used to be. to the very obedient daughter, to the wonderful sister, to a marvelous student. im going to change cause i want to. not cause i have to or cause i was forced to. some factors made me realise, made me really want to change, to make myself put that trust in myself. to plant the neccessary steps. to be able to reach my goal.
that is all for now. i should get my rest. like i said in the previous post, im sick. still sick. it got worst. ohkay, bye.

a thousand apologies.

2010-01-18T14:14:00.004+08:00
to those who knew what happened then i ought to apologise to you all. i know that it wasnt the right thing to do. now, im facing the consequences for doing what i did. afterall, its my fault. i somehow asked for this right? so ive to face it. and to those who has helped, i appreciate your efforts. so thankyou very much. and i apologise for troubling any of you people. especially that one person who seem so very troubled by this. you yourself said so. you know who you are. i dont have to state your name here. and if you think i dont know then think again uhh ehh?
this is for you ohkay. the truth is exposed now. just so you know, if you did not start this, i wouldnt have gone to that extent. blame yourself for creating a game. unfortunately, the truth was known to me. i found out. but you have no idea what you put yourself in. you created this. this is your game. im just playing along. so its not my fault now. and yes, indeed the game was played nicely. but to me, the game was awesome. you asked for this yet you didnt see it coming. wow, guess there are things that you should expect. especially things like this, expect the unexpected. thats my advise for you uhh. kay, enough. i want my rest cause im down with flu, cough and fever. how great? wait, ive headaches also. and im close to losing my voice. the losing my voice part has been since last wednesday. haha. fun or what? not. well, take care people. love you people. chao!
to friday PERDAUS people, sorry tak datang semalam. things pop up. a million apologies for you people. i cannot do much. sayang korang sisters and brothers uhh! you guys never fail to brighten my day or make me smile. im very greatful to have you guys as my sisters and brothers though some of us are not close. thanks! will not forget korang.

updating while i can.

2010-01-09T20:41:00.004+08:00
hey, last i update properly was the end of last year. that was also when i was rushing. so well, its the end of the first week of school. starting of another week already. i should probably be sleeping right now. but im being a very naughty girl. i just finished doing my english blog. i swear im going to be very tired tomorrow. well anyways, all the teachers started talking about o's ready. so damn stressful and so very pressurising! why cant they stop talking about it? so very annoying plus stressful. i hate it alot. trust me. in mother tongue class, that's worst. they expect us to get an A. thats putting too much hope and expectations. the mother tongue class is so quiet. well, tomorrow will be the start of another hectic schedule. and im going to be a facilitator for the bunayya camp! im so happy. cause got ferr plus shirin! at least i know them both. which equals to being hyper plus kecoh. haha. first day je dah kene appoint a job in the job. its like a subjob. does this word even exist? haha. well, im in charge of the group names plus the group identity. our group name is cute. at least its easy for the kids to pronounce. the camp will be held from a saturday to sunday. the 13-14 in march, its at lim chu kang there. somewhere near the guides site, i think. this is to somewhat to fill ferr the info cause she didnt come. so if you're reading this then good. im filling you in with the things you need to know. and ohh, next week ear uniform taw. its a must. so yeeah. all the best for those taking their o level reults later on. and then i can meet kak atiqah, hug her then do something. il most probably run when i see her! gosh, that time meet for awhile je cause busy what. tsk. if i can spend time with you later i will kay? then can hug you so tight. then tell you what happen all. rindu you so much! more thank orang tu uhh. haha. then take pictures then talk nonsense also. haha.
ohh, and while walking home from madrasah, i step on a rusty nail. i walked home feeling the pain but it was not really that painful. or maybe its cause im not exaggerating. haha.
well, i guess that is all then? im going off to sleep now. and one more thing, this blog will be dead on weekdays unless i can find the time to blog. as of now, im trying to make myself comfortable with the new year, the new stress, the new obstacle and most importantly, the new schedule. crap much. instead of mondays for cca, we have tuesdays. we also have a new instructor plus new teacher in charge but one teacher remains the same though she is not that active. she is still caring and loved by the choir. haha. bye people. will update when i can. i might not be able to blog on the weekends cause im still quite busy with school stuffs. and ohh, i had fun with both fatin and asyiqin on saturday. wont elabprate what happened. too lazy plus sleepy. saw someone twice. hoho. all three(me, fatin&asyiqin) of us know who im talking about. and to that friend that i saw, happy ehh get to see me? haha. kay, im starting to bullshit now. and people, im so sorry for any hurt or whatsoever i did that made you unhappy. not in the right mood nowadays. not coping so well. once i manage, this wont happen. as in me being moody and an asshole to you guys. sorry for being mean to whoever i was texting. truly am sorry! once again, nights/morning people.
to that someone, later is the first day of school. study hard. dont get distracted. remember our promise? remember our goal? we're going to reach it one way or another. do take care of yourself if you're reading this. hope you still have time to check this blog. have fun in school later on!

sorry! sorry!

2010-01-07T20:49:00.001+08:00
been very very busy lately. will try my best to update this blog. but now, school is top priority. so yeeah. if you have anything to sayor want/need to contact me then text me by my phone. if you don't have my number then too bad. sorry though.

short update!

2010-01-03T15:54:00.003+08:00
well, hello people. sorry for the lack of updates. been quite busy. so everything will be briefly explained cause ive to be studying. not studying, reading the website.

friday was spend sleeping till the afternoon cause the day before i went to aunts's house. then something happened. i wont bother explaining. it spoilt the first day of 2010.

saturday went studying. something spoilt my day again. two days in a row, what a way to be greeted by 2010. tsk.

sunday was spend throwing those unused plus useless stuff away. i slept at around 2?

monday, woke up quite early. but was almost late for school. well, the first day of school was quite fun. played games in class. then had choir, home, eat, stone then sleep all the way till tuesday morning.

then today, woke up quite early.

if ive the time to update this blog then i will. but i would most probably be very busy this week. so yeeah. byeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! takecare people. il most probably update once every week.

new year resolutions?

2009-12-31T16:23:00.007+08:00
well, sorry for some lack of updates. been quite busy. im going to aunt's house later. maybe stay there till quite late? im not sure since tomorrow is a working day? hope i can reach home in time to watch tv till late night. haha. i feel so hyper plus high. im so hyped for next year which will be in approximately six hours? around there.

firstly, all the bad will be forgotten or not really remembered but the good will be kept cause those good memories are wonderful things. it ought to be remembered and cherish. 2009 hasnt been an excellent year for me. since life goes on, i had to make full use of it. make the best of things. lessons had been learnt, lost have been experience, mistakes had been made, regrets existed. on the flipside, awesome things happened, people appeared in my life and quite a number of other things that made me happy. so for those who has always been there for me during my tough times, thankyou all so very much. i appreciate the help, the advice and your kindness. but to those who made 2009 miserable for me, i think i shall just say that you are just another obstacle for me to make me stronger and better. you just made me realise that the world consist of people like you who make life hard for others. but then thanks for making me notice that. haha.

my resolutions?
studies,
- to get better results for tests and exams.
- work harder for the results i want for o's.
- try as much as possible not to get distracted.
- concentrate in class more.
- ask people/teachers if i do not know anything.
family,
- strengthen silaturrahim of cousins!
personal,
- gain mum's trust.
- gain freedom again.
become more pious(?).
my wants or needs!
- new handphone!
- own laptop(:

that is about it. ive got to get ready to go to aunts now. so if i dont get to use the comp or if i get knocked out once i reach home then im going to wish you people out there a very happy new year. all the best for your future people.

to my dear friend; this is your time, study hard for your A's! do what you say you want to do/achieve. and i hope we dont lose contact after everything that has happened. lets just say i forgot all of those already. its time to move on. get back to reality. all the best friend.

to you, all the best for your results and everything you do in life. do what you need to do. make sure you do your best. keep to your words. what lies ahead of you would be obstacles to life. make sure you face it without fear. all the best for your future. hope whatever lies in front of you would be easy for you. if you need help or need a breather, text me. il still be here despite whatever that has happened. you know, i know, he knows. so lets just keep it between us.

goodbye people. will update once ive time. buhbye.

retirement or continuation?

2009-12-30T00:03:00.003+08:00
time for a little update. dad has just talked to almost the whole family. well, i guess ive to be mentally prepared for the worst or well, for changes. but for choir, there will be new teacher in charge while the instructor will change. whats with the drastic change? like really. but ohh well, time i get prepared for next year's challenges. hope i can face it. in another 24 hours or so its a new year. a new beginning, a new chapter. a new book to be written. a whole new story. but now, the thing is that everybody in this house has to be prepared for the worst. yes, that includes me. no exception. i really do hope that things would be fine so i can concentrate on my studies. i need to. i cant make things any worst if its going to get worst.

and the picture with Ahmad Danial? he's my nephew. my nephew paling gerek. haha. we're close so that explains alot. especially about the engagement part. its my other cousins who's older than us laa. they keep disturbing us. but nonetheless, i'll still be there for him cause i know its kindof hard on him right now. dan, kaw tawu aku akan sentiase di samping kaw. apape text. and seriously, stop changing number. its damn irritating. then kalaw nak ajak kaw kluar how? sape yang susah? aku jugak. sape yang miss out the fun? kaw jugak. sape kaw salahkan? aku jugak. haha. well, boy, ure short aunt will be there for you no matter what. like i always do. i still remember the time when you lost danish, your brother. i remember how hard you cried. i remeber what you intend on doing. it sticks to my mind. be strong boy. i know you will and you can. cause ive seen you hide it the day he passed away. when you looked at him, tears gathered but you wipe it away before the tears could even get out. i saw my dear. i wanted to go there and hug you and say that maybe its best if he go. but i was a little too busy with things. and all the best for your studies. i take it as though you're in the best class. so study hard. if you need a break or need to chill, just text me alright? sayang kaw laa anak sedareku yang tinggi, annoying, suke bully aku bey lagi pandai dari aku. haha. if you're reading this, i know you'd be laughing your heads out then saying that its true. let me tell you this, I DONT really CARE! haha. bye tunangku. haha. this is getting quite fun. lets do it often. haha. DAAAAAN! kaw jadi matae aku, aku jadi matae kaw nak? haha. never will happen. cause what? you're too cute for me? haha. lekk sudah. aku yang lagi cute dari kaw. haha.

ohkay, done people. i should go sleep now. im sleep deprived plus might get a little sick? why? i wont tell you cause i myself dont know the really. sorry but im just trying to make this post seem long. and the spray smell is getting on my nerves. i think i shall go sleep now. byeeeeee.

have to move on.

2009-12-28T14:37:00.005+08:00
ive no idea what to blog about. except that ive a few more homework to be done. its taking me ages to finish. partly cause im just plain lazy or when i want to start, something came up. tsk. crap much right? been going my aunt's house lately. im not sure if im heading there tonight. probably no cause my dad's working tomorrow. its been four days since uncle is gone.

dari ape abah katekan, mamang seorang yang baik hati, suke buat lawak dan senang untuk berbual. insyaallah, doa kami semua tidak akan terputus untuk mamang. begitu juga dengan semua ahli keluarga HMI yang sudah pegi meninggalkan kami. dengan itu, al-fatihah.

gosh, i think things are going to get tough. maybe it wont. well, at least i have those who love me around. ive no idea what will happen if they dont exist. gahh. a million thanks to those who are there for me. especially kakFaheerah. ive no idea what would have happened without you. adik sayang kakak! cousins outing next year right? kay, you go plan. anything just text me. if ive prepaid then il reply. if not il call you or use my mum's phone. haha. didnt see you for the two days. abang omairah say you went out. grrr. then he bully me yknw. go kick his ass or punch him for me please. haha.

Ahmad Danial
you people might be wondering who the hell is this guy right? well, he's my fiance. haha! he never fail to bully me due to the height. thanks ehh. but then, i can still bully you back. walaupun you got your sister to back you up. annoying like hell sey this guy. but i still love him.
truth be told, he's my cousin. in case you see this my dear, its a dare. haha. or cause alot of people say we like tunang. haha! funny like hell.

and well, im trying my best to let go of whatever bad memories of 2009. slowly one by one, its going out of my head. i do not wish to remember all the bad incidents even though some of the good memories will hurt, its still a great thing to me. well then, will update again if ive the time to. hopefully i will. but i definitely know that with time, the broken shall be heal. the pain shall not exist. ive to make it work. even though it would hurt me in the process, i guess it would be worth the pain. but as of now, i shall concentrate on blocking all the hurt and pain that would come my way. ive to be strong. stronger than before. ohkay, bye.

ready to leave the past behind.

2009-12-26T13:14:00.002+08:00
its not even sunday, its not even the end of the year. but im very ready to leave 2009 behind. alot has happened. ive been through alot this year. i want to concentrate on my studies next year. people, remind me to concentrate on my studies please. cause there is no time to slack, no time to waste. cause i need every single second to be prepared till its over. no more distractions unless i think i need a break. but well, next year, i will come back stronger. next year i will be back with a new attitude. with a whole new strength. with a whole new hope. with a whole new vision. great memories of 2009 will be kept in my heart. the bad memories shall be left behind, im going to let it fade into the shadows cause the bad memories is not good for me. ive been hurt more than a couple of times. ive cried more than a dozen times. its enough. im going to bring the good leave the bad cause i see no point in bringing it with me to a new year. ts just going to let me fall into pieces again. i do not need that next year.

to that someone, i will prove to you that i need no help from you. let me tell you something my dear boy, whatever you said to me had not much effect. my heart has already blocked out any other hurt that would be inflicted. i saw this coming, after all this was what i wanted so badly according to you right? so if the purpose of your text was to try to hurt me then im very sorry to say nothing happened except for the fact that you got the truth mixed up. and you think i dont deserve the help from you? boy oh boy, let me get this straight in your brains, its you who do not deserve me. after all that ive done for you. after all those bloody sacrifices i made for you, you can say that? i absolutely admire that gut of yours. but i also hate it cause you couldnt bear to say it to my face. whatever ehh boy. and just so you know, ive never once cheated on you. i never kept anything from you, even if i did, i would eventually tell you. until that fateful day where i was not allowed to tell you anything. and everything ive done for you was true. it wasnt a lie. im speaking the truth. if you dont trust me on this then be it. you do not know me. i put in everything i can in a relationship unless i feel like its not going to work. but thanks for wishes, and the advices. thankyou for that. appreciate it loads. good luck for your future endeavors. good luck for your results. hope you get the results you wanted, hope you can get into the school you wanted to. and lastly, please please please do not disappoint your parents. i know they always compare you to your sister. about you being insecure, go do something about it. i hate that insecure feeling you have. cause you will never feel safe. not even by yourself. so go do something about it. and you my boy, break your promise. while i will keep to mine. and if you still insist on smoking, then go on. but remember that you have your grandmother who wants you to quit. do it for her sake. i know you do not want to lie to her cause you feel very bad, so i suggest you quit entirely. hope life wont be a bitch to you like how it was to me. all the best in everything you do.

to that friend of mine, you know everything that is happening. you have a way of finding out things right? i know you do but you just wont tell me right? haha. even though you're going i still have a smile on my face. im happy that you've changed your mind somehow. thankyou very much for that. it means a lot to me. but well, you have something figured out. so that's good for you. wait, we both have something we sortof figured out. and yes, next year will be a new me. by next year i wont be (something we know of and you will do the same as well) and you will also be (something we know of and you will do the same as well). but the hurt that we've been through is more than enough. that is why i choose what i chose. im greatful that you appeared in my life even though all those things happened. maybe its for the better? all the best for you my dear friend. especially since you want to do extremely well for your major exam. we both want to do the best right? well, who doesnt? im going to stop being this way. im going to stop being so weak and fragile. im going to be strong. im going to change myself for the better. you should too. the next time we meet, the both of us would have change. the change will insyaallah be for the better. that is what we agreed on. and yes, im wiling to let you go. but that is just for now. i will not disappoint you. i shall do what i can. i would do my best so i can prove people wrong. thanks for your advices and most of all, thankyou for being there for me. i miss you already. we have a few more days till both of us leave each others life for study purposes. i wonder what will happen next year. but i hope i have the strength to concentrate, i hope i can do well. i want to. i need to. thankyou dear friend. i love you.

innalilahiwainnalilahirajiun

2009-12-25T08:43:00.003+08:00
days, have passed. soory for privatising my blog suddenly. have not been in much mood. wouldnt explain why.

happy belated birthday liyana.
this is going to be both about your birthday and my condolences to your father, innalilahi wainnalilahi rajiun.
hope you had a great time on your day. and, i know its tough on you. bersabah alright? its going to be tough on your family, but stay strong. hope you can still be cheerful even though you dad has left you. be strong, ohkay? anything just text me. i know you will help your mum through this very hard time. but you knew it was coming sooner or later right? bersabahlah kamu dengan semua yang engkau hadapi. ini semua kehendaknya. berpasrahlah dengan segala yang berlaku. and please, dont let your mum worry about you so much okay? she has been alot. especially since your dad has gone. stay strong. love you babe.

happy belated birthday to aiyun.
hope you had fun on your day out girl. might be seeing you in class tomorrow. thats if the class is still on. be strong in facing any challenges that will come to you. face it with no fear or regrets. most importantly, study hard. dont let your parents down. show them that you can do it if you want to. put in more effort on your studies alright girl? love you darling.

to lina, if you happen to read this, i want to let you know that right now, since your dad has gone it doesnt mean you can do what you want. you went way off track. the lina i knew back then was not like this. if nobody tell you this then i will cause im a friend since kindergarten. babe, bapak kaw dah meninggal. skrang yang carik nafkah mak kaw. jadi tolong laa, tkmo susahkan mak kaw. aku nak kaw ringankan beban mak kaw. kaw dah keje kan? help your mum in whichever possible way you can. tkmo buat hal kay girl? kaw ade adik, jage dier. kaw ade mak, tolong dier. kaw yang sulung, so please, takecare of your family ohkay?

and to hazim, have a safe trip back and fro. i know you are sick and maybe you are definitely in malaysia somewhere heading to KL. have fun there. go look for inspiration and go shopping ohkay? haha. hope you recover fast. and takecare of yourself when you're there. especially since you dont want to tell your parents your sick so you dont spoil the plan. i remember that time you said you didnt want to go. now you're so hyped up by it. haha.

and, once again i apologise for privatising this blog. reason being that there are some stuff that might lead to more trouble. and well, i should get going now. im going to be out almost the whole day. or maybe i am going to be the whole day. my uncle just passed away. like a machine gun, the bullets kept coming my way, i tried to dodge it but it is just way too fast for me to even move and not let it get to me. i could not even move. i really am emotional right now. this week, is more than enough to make me want to leave 2009 behind. this year, there has been many bad incidents than the good ones. will update when i can. text me if you need anything or have important information for me. so well, that is all. bye people.

and to that friend, all i ask was for time. i wanted to prove you wrong. and cause of something you just left in a hurry. what a decision. but the good news is, il be somewhere near your area there. so maybe we can meet to talk about this. i really need to talk about you. like seriously. and thanks for everything. goodbye? for now ..

super short update!

2009-12-23T15:52:00.002+08:00
hello people. haha. im with someone you dont need to know of. haha. will update properly once i get home. weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees~ im high plus hyper. so people, dont destroy my mood alright? but the sad thing is, prepaid looooooooooooooow. haha. info tu tak perlu. haha. actually perlu. if you want to text me laa. haha. i will reply if its important only. haha. and bestie/hazim, kalaw tak dapat jumpe before you go off then im sorry. if i free or am outside i tell you kay. thats if i still have prepaid. haha. well, im suppose to be doing work now. buhbye people. i missmissmiss people. especially someone even though you're next to me. haha. bye.

back to square one.

2009-12-22T15:45:00.004+08:00
after all the things ive said, all that i did, i get this. do you have any idea how much i would blame myself for this? blame him for it? you do not have any idea what you just did. i was starting to get better then you had to just say those words. wow, thankyou. i guess tomorrow would be the last. but that is for you to think or say. i would however hope for the opposite. why? why is this happening to me? can you not leave? what about those things you said? are those just lies? what am i suppose to do now? now im blaming myself all over again. im back to square one. yet again. ive tried to get up and then you had to push me back down. i cant accept this. you said you could. if you could then why arent you able to digest it? if you, the person who made the decision cant really accept it or to you, digest it. what more me? what more the person who has to face this hurtful truth? ive to face it alone. face it without really telling people the true story. do you think i can survive? can i concentrate on my studies next year? will i have the strength to face all that? i doubt so. will i go to someplace that we went and not remember the fun times we had? its hard. its god damn hard for me. this is the hardest thing ever. first him. now you. how am i suppose to face this? how? how? how? you said you would wait. but now, you end up leaving. why are you doing this to me? you hurt me a million times more. i know you do not want to get hurt like this again. but what makes you think that im going to do that? i was doing so well, and you had to remove the base, now everything toppled and i have to think of another way to built it up cause apparently you took away everything ive planned. so ive to start from the basics again. im really damn afraid right now. well, thanks for appearing then disappearing. i so needed that.i will be missing you. im sorry for whatever pain or whatever hurt or whatever that you do not like. im sorry if i caused trouble to you somehow. im sorry. but why hurt yourself so that the other person would be happy? why hurt youself and hurt me? i know you do not intend to do this. it just had to happen. this is my mistake. i made the wrong move. if i kept it all to myself, none of this will happen. im sorry. thankyou yet again. im not going to let you go. even though you might have already to let me go or i am trying to.
i feel hopeless. but im trying to find hope, find the strength to face this again. i love you so much honey. but why do you have to leave? it hurts. it hurts a million. please honey, do not leave. ive given everything to save this. i gave my strength to be strong. ive given almost all to you. i love you honey. please plaese do not leave. i love you so very much. i tknk you pegi. t tkle biarkan you pegi. luke hati i. luke ini amat dalam. hanye you yang boleh tolong i mengubati luke di hati ini. i sayang you. tkmo tinggalkan i. tolong sayang, tkmo giniy. i sayangkan you. you tawu kan? i tak sanggup lepaskan you. hope you read this. i love you veryvery much.*hugs tightly and never wanting to ever let you go. i love you honey.
anws, happy 17th(?) birthday michael.
thanks for being there when i needed someone. thanks for wanting to help me when im down. thanks for being a friend. thanks for everything that you had done for me. so today is your day boy. go have fun alright? plan of the bbq your going to have. anything just tell me through facebook or msn or by mail. may you have the courage and strength to go through whatever life has in store for you. takecare boy!

day out with loved plus new people.

2009-12-20T21:56:00.005+08:00
hello! yes uhh. finally get to meet my lovely cousins. its actually because kak faheerah want to see my dad. so well, woke up quite early cause dad asked me to help him iron his clothes. then after i freshen up i ironed his clothes i went to rest. but i couldnt rest properly cause dad ask me to wake him up by 10.30, the latest. so i rest for awhile then wake up just to check the time. end up i didnt rest. woke dad at close to 10.30, but i was kindof late cause poeple was already waiting for him downstairs. so he somehow rushed. then mum prepared to go to the wedding downstairs cause they invited everyone from this block. before she went out, i told her i was meeting my cousins. got lectured for abit but i got to go out. so had to rush my brother plus prepare the things in bringing then went to bath. quickly went out head to inter, bought drinks then meet cousins. met hayati at sheng shiong though. then trained to pasir ris. waited for kak fah's friend. she made everyone blood boil i tell you. what a first good impression. waited for that bitch (according to sharifah) for slightly more than an hour. then when she came, she didnt even apologise. where's your manners girl? not only that. she had the face to say, 'i meet you ready so im going to go off now.' sharifah told me that cause i was not paying attention to what bitch was saying with kakfah. and she just walk off. bloody hell. where the freaking hell is your manners? do you not know it? didnt anyone teach you that? please laa, you're twenty for goodness sake. nak harapkan umor, adab takde buat ape kan? then when we were walking to the beach, she decided to tag along. but i said, just ignore her. so talked, take photo then eat. before i went to fetch my friend and send hayati off, that bitch came. so i quickly fetch my friend thensend hayati halfway to the stop. then walk back and we talked about things. rindu you like so very very much laa. talked to sharifah about what i missed, then laugh at bitch cause she couldnt light her stick. reason being it was too windy. that was crap. even sharifah could light it. haha. so then walked at ehub for aircon then head home. kakfah came to my house. then after she eat, use the comp for awhile, i sent her off to inter, to the mrt. if not she get lost. haha. but well, for a person who lives at bukit batok? thats something very reasonable. bought some stuffs then head home. now im blogging.

friend, thanks for everything. i miss you so very much. hope to have fun during our last meet-up. and i hope those memories with you for the last time will last very very long. hope it can last me till the time of your return. i want you to. maybe not a want. but more of a need. hope you will return to me someday and wont leave. hope you wait for me and then we can ride that boat for the better together. im putting quite alot of faith and hope in these. really, i am. miss you friend. i do. really.

there are times when life feels so unfair. there are also times when what you plan didnt come out right. there are times when you wish you could go back to the past. times when you regret. times you wish you wouldnt do stupid things. even times when you wish that memories will stay the way it is. but for all these times, there are also times when you wish you were dead or never alive. funny how you cope to face life during embarrassing moments, when anger get control of you, when you really miss someone, when you cant take things cause its too much. how you face things one day and then forget about it the next day. how things were so important at one point, and then, as times goes by, it just meant nothing. well, that's just part of life. you just have to go through all the hard times with a lot of patience and enjoy the ups and downs of life like a roller coaster ride. and then, everything will be alright.-kakfah.

enjoy the pictures[:
ft mariam&kak faheerah
ft kak faheerah

i love her alot.
cousins love.

have to do it.

2009-12-19T21:33:00.007+08:00
today(make it yesterday since its already midnight) was one hell of an emotional ride for me. initial plan was to go meet wanie after tuition. but then things happened and i got superduperuber pissed off. then canceled sorry babe. il make it up to you some day alright. but right now, i need to get things right. ive to get back on my feet. im doing this cause i dont want you to be guilty and regret what you did. i do not want you hurt. i do not want to disappoint you. i know what i said just now made you mad. sorry friend. but i was really to damn frustrated. you know why right? and your blog, you post. i was holding my tears reading it. thankyou for dedicating those three posts for me. i miss you so very much. but i know ive to be strong to face this all. i will try my best to be strong without you by my side. study session with you real soon right? plus quite alot of other things that we have to talk about.

i can and never will for once forget you.

2009-12-18T20:38:00.000+08:00
my days have been really hectic. my mind is flying everywhere. yes, there is alot of things on my mind right now. there has been alot of things happening in my life. apparently its my fault. this would not have happened if it wasnt for me. i could barely get through today. and its not even day one. what more if its going to be going to happen for a long period of time. maybe by then you would forget me. maybe you wont. i guess its really up to destiny and fate right not. im not trying to put you into a very guilty position right now. that was not my intention. i will try my best to start eating properly again. lately ive not much appetite or mood to be eating. how can i be happy when i know you are away for the moment?i will try my best to not think of you. like i said in the text, whatever you're feeling, it'll be worst for me. trust me on this. i shall try to let you go. but you will always always be in my mind. i can never get you out of my mind. yes, you left a you in my heart. apparently we have grown really close. i want you to come back. come back and never leave which means we do not have to go through this again. i miss you badly dearest friend. not even day one. not even day one. will try my best to be happy without you since thats what you want. i shall try. try to do that for you so you wont have to worry about me so much. or will you feel guilty or hurt. im trying my best for you to avoid that feelings. i cried every time i think of you cause i miss you so very much. i think when we meet, i would be crying when i see you and when its time to go home.
dearest, hope you get there safely even though you are (incident happened) and also (we know what). haha. well, try to have fun there. i know you would be worried about me but please please please enjoy your time there. there is quite alot of people to takecare of me here. yes, they will be asking me to do what im suppose to be doing. im going to miss you so very much. and i promise you that i will eat a meal a day. hope that would cancel one of the worries on your list. go there safely, come back safely. do tell you parents if the pain comes again. il be worried for you as well. but right now, i need to clear my mind. let it out of me. thanks for just now even though something happened. will miss you so much. i dont care if you dont get me anything. all i care is your safety. please please please have fun there kay? i love you so very much dear. takecare.

deciding if i should be taking time off. away from this stuff with the help of my dearest cousins plus wanie plus alot of other people who will be here for me. wanie, better make it this time cause i miss you laa. for those who have my phone number, text me if you are worried about me or something. i might reply. depends on my mood ohkay?

keep hiding it.

2009-12-18T00:17:00.003+08:00
i slept at four in the morning and i woke up at eight thirty. damn early right? i know. but i felt like ive been sleeping for such a long time. especially since you said, 'once you sleep, thats when it'll start.' i guess i was pretty terrified of losing you. i didnt text you cause i was lazy, still half asleep and thinking if i should get back to sleep. furthermore, i had to go to dad's room to get my phone. the batt went flat after texting you. haha. sorry i didnt text you earlier. well, i got my report book. results got worst. but hey, at least i passed and get promoted. thats what matters. at least i get to be with my very gerek plus kecoh class next year. woohoo. and next year is straight to planning planning planning. hope the all of the sec fours can work together to organinse an awesome camp! im going to love this. or maybe not. haha. well, either way, we have to make it happen. it has to happen. and i hope ustad hatta will be proud of us, especially with my class. thats if we get to be in the same job laa. haha. anyways, i went to madrasah with faeezah. and i learnt a new word from her. its CA-RAU-DED. haha. its meant to be crowded. haha,if you happen to read this then well, i warned you. haha! sorry laa girl. and thanks for the you know what. haha. then head home. cause i was feeling a little hungry and also cause my mum ask me to go home. might be going out with wanie later in the day. at least can meet after such a long time. miss you loads laa babe. ive got things to tell you. especially with this recent incident. keep me updated about (i forgot the name). haha. lets take alot of pictures. i think i shall bring the camera cause my phone would go dead if we use my phone cause my battery has gone haywire because i overcharged it. so its bloated right now thats why its spoil. and the phone i want is close to 500 bucks. well, im going to save for it like how i saved for my current going-to-slowly-die phone. haha. but well, at least it can still work right? thats what matters most. cause ive alot of things in this phone. thats pretty much my day. will update again when i can. bye people. ohh, and before i forget. dearest is leaving around this time later tonight. he's leaving me for australia. well, have fun there. hope can meet you before you go. wonder how il contact you now that your phone is in your mum's hand. gahh. i guess ive to text your sister then. enough talk. bye.
anyways, ma'al(?) hijrah to the muslims out there. selamat menyambut muharram.

for a dear friend/untuk temanku yang tersayang

2009-12-17T00:28:00.007+08:00
be warn. its going to be a veryvery long post for someone that means whole lot to me. i will miss you dear friend.

well, its has been two very difficult and very emotional days. this will continue cause im afraid that you might never come back. but i really hope you will. i want you to. pretty please? and i shall try to keep up to the promises i made. and you should keep to yours as well. cause like i told you, never make promises you know you can never keep. you broke one of yours. actually, you didnt. cause you said that you would still be there for me if i really really really need you. so nope, you didnt break yours. and just so you know, nothing will be the same now that you are going to try as much as you can to stay away from my life. especially my _____ life. and all this happened due to this _____ life. but i want you to know that you were there for me when i needed someone. you cared about me and scolded me just like how a brother cares for his little sister only that you dont have a younger sister but somehow you treat me like one. for that, i thank you very superduperuber much. if you had a younger sibling, i think they will love you so so much for being a really great brother. that is my point of view. now that you will be gone, temporarily i hope, i will miss you very very much. i will definitely miss laughing at those stupid things you say or do. i will miss forcing you to tell me things that i ought to know. i will miss disturbing you. i will miss you disturbing me. but most of all, i will miss you trying your very best to cheer me up with those very logical reasons of yours despite me disagree-ing to it. in simpler terms, i will miss everything about you my dearest friend. thanks for being a brother. thanks for being a teacher. thanks for being my bestfriend. thanks for being such an asshole just so you can cheer me up. thanks for having trust in me. thanks for being a friend. thanks for letting me vent my anger and frustrations at you. thank you for comforting me with those texts. and most importantly, thank you veryveryvery much for promising me that you will come back into my life once (you know, i know what). i hope this friendship will not end here. it will go on. it has to. yes, both of us would be hurt cause we know that we are letting go of the greatest dearest friend. things will be quite difficult right now cause you would not be there to advice me on even the simplest things. i miss you very very much. we will meet up for the last time till (you know, i know what). we both know that it will not end. cause its just the greatest friendship ever. i want you to take care of yourself. i want you to promise me that you will come back. if you read this, tag me. that might be the last tag you ever wrote. so that would be the greatest memories. we both agree that it will not end. its ending temporarily. i know you will come back to brighten up my life once again. and once (you know, i know what), we will be different people. we both shall change for the better. i promise that by the end of this year or (what you told me) by the time we meet be different. i will not ________ anymore. you would also not be ________ anymore. im letting you go with a very heavy heart. every second that you are gone, i will think of you. i will think of your safety. i will be thinking if you have eaten or not. and ohh! promise me you wont skip meals no matter how sick you are or how moody you are, when you fall sick, do tell me. i would be doing what i can so you can get well fast.
I KNOW YOU ARE READING THIS. i hope the next time we meet, which is after our last meet-up, we will never ever leave each others side ever again. that is what we agreed on. and if we bump into each other outside someday, would you acknowledge me or would you just walk by like you never met me before? cause either way, i would cry there and then. as im writing this, im trying my very best not to cry. cause you really really mean alot to me my dear freind. although this friendship its still at its first stage, the things we both went through cause us to be veryveryvery close. im be waiting for your return just like how you would be waiting for mine. and if your sad to leave, i would be a million time sad-er than you are. if you are hurt, i would be a million times hurt. i hope this is for the better. please do come back. i want you to. i need you too. i will always always think of you my friend.
fourty seven days when we first met. fourty five days since we first chat. fourty four days since we first started texting. and now, as i will count the days till you come back.
walaupun hati ini enggan melihat engkau pergi, aku tetap beranikan diri untuk melepaskanmu. jika ini yang terbaik, aku pasrah dengan segala-galanya. moga perpisahan ini tidak akan kekal, moga yang kekal itu persahabatan kita. aku ingin engkau tahu, diri ini tidak akan pernah boleh melupakanmu walau sesaat pun kerana persahabatan ini amat penting bagi diriku. aku harap engkau tidak akan pernah melupakan diriku juga. aku juga ingin engkau kembali dalam hidupku dan selepas itu tidak pergi lagi. aku aku merindukanmu. aku akan rindu kasih sayang yang engkau berikan kepadaku. aku tahu bahawa aku sudah seperti adikmu sendiri. aku pasrah dengan apa yang berlaku dan berjanji apabila engkau timbul kembali dalam hidupku, kita akan mula semula dan aku tidak ingin satu benda pun menghalang persahabatan kita. aku akur dengan pemergianmu. dan sebab engkau pergi adalah kerana kebahagiaan orang lain walaupun engkau terluka akhirnya. aku amat menghormati engkau kerana sifat engkau yang tabah dan berani untuk menghadapi semua ini. aku harap aku mempunyai kekuatan yang sama dengan kamu. aku pasti engkau akan merindukan kehadiranku dalam hidupmu seperti mana aku akan merindui kehadiranmu. walau apapun, kita tetap akan menghadapi ini bersama walaupun kita tidak ada disisi satu sama lain. aku akan melepaskanmu kerana aku tahu kita akan kembali kepada persahabatan yang kita terpaksa berhenti untuk sementara waktu. aku pasrah dengan semua ini. kerana aku tahu disebalik semua yang sedang dan akan berlaku, ada yang ingin disampaikan olehNya.

mixed emotions.

2009-12-16T21:10:00.003+08:00
somehow i feel angry. i feel sad. i feel disappointed. and alot more cause i have mixed feelings right now. i have no idea what i should do or say. or think for this matter. yesterday's(wednesday) text made me very speechless and yes, i did whatever i told you i did. dont trust me? next time we meet, you try saying that right to my face or do what you typed and we'll see what happens. cause if you really do what you said you'll do then er, hazim knows what will happen. kan hazim kan? and hazim, thankyou very much for replying me even though you're working, thanks for cheering me up as well. but as of now, all i can do is just wait for the outcome. cause its up to you, its your call. i really hope that is not what i fear the most. if it is, i can officially say that this year is the worst year ever despite some wonderful things that happen. cause there are more bad incidents than good incidents. and the way you replied seem so cold. have you already shut me out of your life? or are you going to hurt me before it gets worst so i dont really feel anything? cause i really really want you inmy life. i need you dear friend. please please please (times infinity) do not leave me. maybe im going to do what i did yesterday till i hear your answer. all i can really do now is really pray and wait for the outcome. cause its up to you. you said if you leave, we could still be friends. but not as close. then why bother continuing the friendship when you wont really be there for me when i need you? even though this friendship of ours is still new, still fresh, we have grown very close. maybe its the goals we both share? i have no exact answers to that. and as you know, i miss you so very very much. and if you happen to read this, and you already have the answer to whats on your mind. please do text me. and tell me if we're going to meet on friday. while typing this, my heart ached cause you are more than a friend. you are a teacher and like a brother. i wnated to cry, but im trying to hold it back. i hope you decide to stay.

my mistake, my fault, my bad, my blame. i take it all.

2009-12-14T22:08:00.006+08:00
ive no idea why im being this way. yes, things happen for a reason. but why do things happen when you dont want it to happen? i hate this type of situations. like seriously. now i finally learn that i should keep things to myself. yes, i will. ive learn to do so. you want to know why? cause this is the bloody third time you said that. but why? why must you think that you're the effing cause? please stop thinking this way. please? cause if you still do, i will never forgive myself. cause i know that i caused this to happen. im very very sorry my dear friend. and dearest, im sorry for making you mad just now. i didnt mean to. im very very sorry. i know you were still mad thats why i couldnt really eat much.
wandy, hope you reach there safely already. have fun there. and, i know you're worried that anything might happen to you. you dont have to cause i shall pray that nothing will happen to you. insyaallah. just remember HIM and HE will protect you. amin. and lastly, dont shop too much. take care and have loads of fun there.
a friend, you know who you are. its NOT your fault ohkay? its mine. mine. mine. please dont blame yourself. its my fault for saying it to him. my fault for telling you that till you felt bad and said that you should have left long ago. you promised that you wont leave no matter what happened. you promised. so are you going to back out on those words? ive prove to show that you said it. please friend. i need you even though you dont really need me. im just another person who came into your life for your help. because why? god wanted this to happen. he let you enter my life and let me enter yours for a reason. we guessed the reason. it might be true. might not be. but nonetheless, we shall try to do what we have to. remember what we wanted to do? you know what i mean. you understand. somehow we're at the same level. we both need each other to get to go closer to HIM. maybe it really is what HE wanted.
dearest, im really very very sorry for just now. im sorry i made you angry. im sorry for making you feel damn pissed off. im sorry for not being in the mood. im sorry for somehow spoiling your day. im sorry for not being a good girlf. sorry baby. im very sorry dear]:

busy me.

2009-12-10T12:05:00.002+08:00
i started doing my homework yesterday. so im done with chemistry. however im stuck on some questions so il ask my mr funny once he's back. or maybe when i can meet him. i plan to finish my work before meeting him so when we meet, i will just bombard(?) him with questions so he can teach me. and, days have been pretty normal for me. as in not much chaos or whatver crap. maybe it has. but its not that serious that i cant take it or what-so-ever. and the little kids have been home since tuesday night. but somehow i dont feel as happy as i used to when they come around. i feel really different. ive no idea why. maybe its cause they have been away for long and the freedom felt without them is fantastic. ive not been myself lately. ive no freaking idea why. as in kay, ive no idea how to explain. gahh. i hate this feeling.
mr funny, faster come back so you can cheer me up with your silly jokes and then help me out. i need to talk to you. i need your help with homework and other stuffs which you do know about right? well, faster come back. i miss you so much. you came back then you're off again. i wonder when will we meet. rindu alot ohkay. the last time we met was four days before your trip to (country name here)? that was such a long time ago. so faster come back. i miss ue loads. faster get back.
dearest, will meet you tomorrow, i think. thats if i can finish what i want to finish so then you can help me with my homework plus ive to talk to you about stuffs. i think i will tell you when we meet. i really dont want to be keeping anything from you. that is what we agreed on so i will do my part to keep up to that agreement of ours. i need you. you know whats wrong cause i told you yesterday. so tomorrow's meetup is cause i miss you, i need help with my homework and cause i need you. i really hope we can/will meet tomorrow. i miss you so much dear. i will text you the details either later or tomorrow. and ohh, bring the stuffs tomorrow kay? thankyou.
wanie, mane kaw hilang? ble mau meet? aku rindu kaw laa gle. plus i need you now. ive got loads to tell you. knape laa kaw giy pindah jaoh jaoh? rindu kaw laa gle. where are you when i need you? nehmind, i shall text you. miss you loads laa girl. hope we meet really soon.
and this is for an old friend. like really. its been a long while since we went out together. we've not contact each other for such a long time. there has been alot of changes in you. i do not know the new you. you twisted your words. so much of you hating her and faking it. but what do i see now? what have i heard about you. its like you hate/dislike me alot now. well, i guess ive to live with that now. cause you've tremendously changed. i will never understand the new you. i never will. so farewell friend.

i shall not be on the comp for long cause im going to be a very goodgirl and study. kay, not really study. just finish my homework plus re-do all my notes. not all actually. haha. kay, im just talking bullshit right now cause im not in the right state of emotion. ive been feeling very awkward towards life. maybe im already changing for the better without even knowing it. kay bye world. will be back when i feel like it tor when im done with what im suppose to do. bye all.

faking it all with a smile on the outside.

2009-12-06T16:47:00.000+08:00
i think someone would know what i mean by this. or at least know why i post this. haha. well, that person was the one who told me about something in the first place. so this is kindof for you. haha. tomorrow you'd be off again. gosh, rindu ohkay! ue come back for like two freaking days then you're off again. hope to meet you when you get back. you yourself should know whatever for right? well, i hope we meet up really soon. husni, i need you. you're part of my strength. i need to talk about it with you asap.
&bby if by any chance ue read this its not wht ue think it is ohkay? im just having some probs at the moment. sorry baby. i love you.
and, i miss dearest. idk when would be the next time we meet. plus, i want to watch movie with you. i owe you another date right dear. gosh, i miss you so much. and, im not trying to hide anything from you. its just i wont want you to feel useless. you're great as you are dear. its not that you cant help. you can. its just me. im the one who refuses to get/receive the help from you. not only from you, from others too. so please dont be feeling helpless kay? i swear its just the way i treat the advices. the way i treat the advices. it all comes down to me. not the way you are. cause people can only advice me. only i can make the decision for myself. i think you told me that. if im not wrong. well, im sorry for hiding this from you. i dont mean to. its just hard on me right now. you know that cause you said it yourself. just let me be this way for the moment. il tell you when i feel like it or when im ready to tell you. its not i want to hide it from you. i dont want to be hiding anything from you. believe me, i trust you. its just not the time. sorry.

trying my best to find the hidden meaning/message.

2009-12-05T21:36:00.002+08:00
gosh, ive been having really weird dreams. all of which are realted to me. the scariest dream this whole weak was i got hospitalised and damn when i talk, people had to put their ears in front of my mouth just so they can really hear what im trying to say. it scared the hell out of me. yeeah, that dream is the worst ever. i woke up and then stared into blank space while thinking of the dream. wondering why on earth was personA doing in my dream? in face personA has been every dream of mine this week. but why? why of all people him? what is god trying to tell me. i have absolutely no idea. but after continuosly dreaming of you, i somehow felt that maybe i really know you from somewhere. the first time i saw you, i felt like i saw you before the first time we met. somehow i felt i know you. somehow i felt that you were a friend of mine before we even talked. but then things just had to end. instantly. thanks to some people and their big fat idiotic mouth! but well, the damage is done. i shall have to ignore that. but the dreams. why are you in all of them. there was also two friend of yours. personB who is sortof close to me. and personC who is close to personB and knows both personA and me but i think knows more about me from personB. im still trying to find out the meaning. maybe, just maybe it has something to do with the way im suppose to change my life. the way im suppose to be, the way i used to be. these dreams do not happen without a purpose. i believe they happen for a reason. its a matter of how obvious the reason is or how easily you can spot the reason. these are the only two reasons i can think of.
anws as a reply to a friend's post, game addicts are people who apparently think they have no life other than sit in front of the comp and play all day long. maybe they feel secure by playing games? or it might be their routine as they have done all the stuffs they should be doing. they might also be cause they feel that they are not valued so they can do what they want cause they think nobody cares. so yeeah. i lazy type longer. but ive got more to say. and the more i say, the more i bore you. so that shall be all.