sneaky sly slenge.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
today marks the date whereby i first knew you guys existed. but if i were to follow by the day, last friday would be it. a year has past since we met and knew each other existed. but there, i put it in past tense. why the past tense? cause you guys went. you left me. left my life. but i still think of you guys. i dont think that you even remember me kan? who the hell am i in your life? just a little bugger god introduced then make you forget. nonetheless, i know your papers starts on the 9th. so study hard for it. i know you guys can make it through. you guys can make it through anything if you put your heart and soul into it. i know so.to the one who disappeared, i know that you are still into your music and stuffs. i know you can make it. you can do anything you want to do. just dont stress yourself out too much. if the activities you have going on are too much then i think you should just put it to rest. i barely know you but from what i know, you're kind and you never forget the one that creates us all. everytime i go to your blog or tumblr, im inspired by your words and such. maybe if i continue to do so, i will be able to change myself. god knows. but if your blog/tumblr have such an impact on me then i think you can help others change too. that will make you precious to our muslim community.
to the one who left me 9 months and 16 days ago. you've been such a great person to me. you were my friend, my brother, an adviser, a teacher. you were the best friend anyone could ask for. but i made a mistake and you left. just like that. i doubt you even remember me. remember you said, the pain will last for a day only, then its gone. and you said that you were already gone even though you stayed. thanks ehh? but that only taught me something. your presence and your bestfriend's. it made an impact on my life. reading your tumblr sometimes knock senses into me. you do indirectly help me. even though you might not plan on doing so since you've erased me from your memory. but whatever. i still remember you. thanks for everything brother/friend.
and this is what i feel like doing. i want to shoot you down. why? ive no damn idea why. i know i just want to do it. maybe i should find time to do this after o's. get the hatred out of me. the pain. the loss. the suffering. i want to do alot of things so i can rid this stupid feeling in me. i need to rid it cause its bad for me. for my health. and speaking of which, it has been three days since i got any sleep. when i sleep, i feel like im not asleep. its like my body rests but my mind dont. ive no idea why. i better get exams over and done with so i can finally finally get this stupid unhappiness out of me quickly. its eating me. its eating my brains, my cells, my heart and my sanity.
after i shoot, can i just climb from a tree than fall into a river or sea and drown? i want to drown in my own misery. i want to drown into a pool of my emotions. can i? can i just do that? its better if that happens. i dont know the people around me anymore. its either ive changed or you change or we just grew estranged. ive no idea which. maybe i just dont see or care about others even though i think i do. maybe i should just take a step back and look. just look at everything and everyone. now i shut people out just like that. a sudden snap of emotions and i go shutting them off. i stay cooped up inside my own shell. my own place of comfort. cause what's the use of telling others about what's hurting you anyways? they take notice for a short while and then they do it again. but they dont realise. because these things have become a habit. not one person does this. i bet everyone does. we are just too forgetful. we are the beings that are normal. the ordinary ones. so lets just get that we cannot really change and stay like that for long. no matter what, there's this tendency to be our bad/old selves. it really depends on ourselves actually. so for now, il just shut my mouth and keep the pain all to myself. let me suffer now. i dont give a shit anymore. you might say you're concern but i wont back down. im not putting my guard down. if i want to tell you, i will do so voluntarily.well, i guess that takes a little bit pain away from this little small being. im just really sick. all i want to do is be all alone and collect my thoughts. so pardon me for neglecting or pushing you away. i need to be sure what i must do. im doing this for my own good. it might affect others too hence why it affects you too. that is why i will just shut myself and not tell anyone anything yet. not now. maybe not ever. im sorry. goodbye. i need to be studying now.