grateful?
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
well well well. looks like i found something else behind this whole situation. but im really freaking glad that its all over. the thing with the person that i despise for a moment is done. luckily something knocked some sense into me and i started to calm down and think things through. now that reminds me of an phrase someone told me. it goes like this, 'never let emotions cloud your decision'. but being the me i am, i didnt think things through at that point of time. okay, case closed with the thingy ready. thanks to everyone who is involved and who tried to coax me and make me think rationally and properly. after the talk just now, it took a huge burden off me. but im still stressed out. dont ask why. i myself dont know. really.but i can absolutely say ive neglected the freaking comp cause of the fasting month. ive either been sleeping, reading the house of night novels or simply cause my brothers are playing games on the comp. to top it off, f&n lessons are not held in the lab anymore cause of the possibility that we use the comp for other uses than the necessary ones. but not all are guilty actually. not all the time that is.
and guess what? this month is another awful month even though its the most prosperous month in islam. i wonder why though. and i definitely have no idea how much more madness i can take in. its too annoying, too stressing and just too much for me to take in. and well, as per normal, after the fasting month its time for raya but im sure im not looking forward for it this year. it feels so unimportant now. what with prelims and my O's coming pretty soon. some problems i do not wish to elaborate on cause i would just break down if i do. a whole lot of bullshit has happened. not just to me but to the family itself. im lost for words. but just thinking of it makes me sick with pain, anger, hurt, annoyance and vengeance. when will all this crap end? im not even sure i can hold on to what ive been striving to keep hold of. but maybe, just maybe that with my trying best not to ever let go would be the best thing to do even though it pains me at times and i just want it exposed. i guess all i could ask for is a break. a break from all this so i can be all by myself, all alone so i can cry my hearts out so i dont keep hurting myself like a stupid fool which i know im already doing but whattheheck laa. ive got to be strong no matter what. ive got to right?
talking of which i think ive totally changed into a new person though there is some of the old me left. but its just not the same anymore. i dont want to be this person who doesnt think rationally. who acts based on emotions. the one who gives up easily. the one who is cheerful even though some things are bothering her. ive no idea where that girl went. now im all shattered, broken, hollow and i feel empty. ive zilch idea why im like this. i never wished to be this way. i am too emotional now. i cry when im all alone. when nobody is there and i just sit, staring right at nothing and then the tears will just drop.
to wandy/wawan/wan, i lazy type there uhh. its too long to put there. so this is for you okay? and which name shall i call you by now? anws, yes, my prelims are starting on sept. except for my practical exam which is coming soon and i havent even started revising. so what makes you think ive alot of time to study? must rush sey. oops? your oral was today? how was it? im sure you did fine. i kind of screwed mine up cause i wasnt thinking straight at the point of time. and i really dont know what ive turned into or where the old me is hiding. but i seriously dont like this new person. and you have changed to. can you like email me your number? you still have my email right?
and to you. i was actually lying when i said i needed some peace. i actually wanted to go far away from all these. i just wanted to be alone at that time. i trust you but ive lost so much people i trusted so much with so ive to know how to play with trust. how to trust people with. how to be fair with trust. and trust as you know, cannot be built as easily as it getting destroyed. yes, we can trust some people but your relationship to the person is the one that determines and builds the trust. either making the trust stronger and bigger or just simply having faith in the person that whatever you say will not be told to others and vice versa. ive no idea why im babbling about trust. i trust you fully. but thats not the thing that i actually wanted to say to you. ive no idea what i want to say now. its like theres a switch in my brain that auto deletes the important things. maybe the reason why i said about trust is cause i was kind of pissed at you for suddenly changing your mind when you advised me. after hearing all those crap i seriously thought you'd back me up, agreeing with what im doing but you did the total opposite. i was hurt i didnt know what to say. i wanted you to actually confort me but you made me even confused. and if you realised, i tried my best to avoid you seeing me cause i didnt want to fake my happiness around you. and now, i really dont know whats wrong with me. i want to be all alone but at the same time, i want to be surrounded with my loved ones. ugh. i hate this stupid feeling. even worst is i hate myself for lying to you and not being reasonable when what you said was right. im sorry. but sorry wont help with anything right? then i guess i should just shut up. hope you read this soon?